I suppose if my H can't put up with me being a bit of a downer for a few hours, then there's not much point in bothering with all of this. I know to pick myself up and keep plugging away. PMA has been pretty good the last few days. As usual, frustration got the better of me this weekend. I'm very concerned about money right now; and combined that with some other doubts about my life. I was feeling pretty down on myself. Of course, my H wanted to cheer me up and it led into a serious R talk.
Most of it was nothing new, other than the reasonably open attitude. H seemed a bit surprised that I didn't think we could be pals if he divorced me. I just don't think I could go on with my life if he was hanging around being my best friend all of the time. He said that he would want to know that I was okay and had found somebody new. He got po'd because the thought of that made me ill. The nerve of me to get emotional. Whatever? We pulled the convo back on track.
We talked about some of our sexual issues. There was a bit of heated discussion there, but it didn't break down into an all out argument. H told me about an incident in which I had said something very cruel to him and killed his desire for sex. I don't remember this incident at all and it doesn't even sound like me. That's a tough one, because I can't even tell him he read the situation wrong if I can't even remember it.
I did ask him if I said things like that before or since. He said that I hadn't. Hmmmmm... He swears up and down that this incident happened exactly the way he remembered it and I had exactly the intent he thinks I did. So, methinks he's being very unreasonable in re: the facts, but I trust him that "something" happened and his feelings did get hurt. I asked him a lot of questions about it. I made it very clear that I don't remember saying something like that nor can I think of an occassion to say something like that, nor would I ever want to see him hurt like that. Instead of letting it degenerate into a "yes-it-did-no-it-didn't" kind of discussion, I decided to own whatever part I had in what happened. Obviously there was some sort of misunderstanding and he didn't feel safe in clarifying it with me... so I apologized for whatever I might have done to hurt him. Best I can do for now, but I'm sure I'm going to hear about it again in C.
I am still not too sure about our C's idea of digging up our issues. I think it will too easily turn into "what you did two years ago" kind of garbage, instead of what is going on between us now. The bile my H spewed at me (which he denies) as he was leaving is a good case in point. It hurt me deeply, but it has very little to do with what's going on now. The thing I said to H that I don't remember saying is a good example too. There comes a time, when one has to look around and ask if "this" is a problem right now. If it's not, then it's time to let go of the grudge.
In our discussion, Saturday H also gave me the detailed reasons of why he found me unattractive... this was the nice version, where he was understanding about my physical condition. I can't really argue with my symptoms being a turn off, but I can only do so much about it. I'm not sure if there's a half way point on this. Obviously, I want to be attractive to my H, but I'm not going to obsess about this. I don't even gripe about it; and I treat the symptoms all day every day. He asked me to keep on top of it. I resisted the temptation to get defensive. It would have been very easy to read the implication that I wasn't staying on top of it, but I know that I am dealing with it as best I can and I guess I'll trust that he knows that too. If he doesn't know that then he expects too much.
The next morning he sent me this very romantic e-mail, detailing all of the ways in which I was beautiful and attractive that morning. He ended it with a "things don't change overnight, though" ??? Real smooth, H. I have very mixed feelings about this. On the one hand I believe he must be grossly inept at doling out compliments and needs all the encouragement he can get (cheerleading). On the other hand, I don't really like being sized up every time I turn around. He seems to be unable to hand over a compliment without qualifying it somehow. He gets off on the tangents making comparisons. I half expect him to pull out charts or start a rating system for me. Okay, that made me laugh a little about it. I think time will sort this one out, but it is pretty ridiculous.
I read something today about ending conflict in marriage. It was a DB type strategy of being loving and giving and thoughtful, etc. It said that the person who will probably be most willing to return to intimacy after a conflict is the one who has been on the recieving end of all of this, and not the person who has been working the hardest to get things on track. It makes logical sense. I'm not sure which of us has worked harder though. Since he left and filed, while I DB'd, I'd like to think I worked my butt off... doubt H would agree with that. Still, it might explain my ambivalence.
