BD was the day after her 39th Birthday where she told me she "wondered what her life had come too" and what happened to our ambition etc.
She now exercises religiously - she was thin anyway but has lost so much weight.
A large amount of her money is now spent on clothes and designer shoes etc.
An affair who apparently is the love of her life.
I made her feel "trapped" and I apparently controlled her and stopped her having friends.
I'm posting here now in hope that people who have been through or experienced a MLC crisis can offer me some additional advice. I have read DR and all the threads on here. Have been working on myself too.
I never initiate contact but find my Wife runs very hot cold - 1 day she can ring and be chatty etc but then for the next week she can be as cold as ice.
Thank you for reading, I'd really appreciate any comments/advice etc.
W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs 8 year old Son ILYBINILWY - Dec 12 W moved out - Jan 2013 OM - Jan 2013 I file for D - May 2013
I am assuming you have read my welcome threads here and done all the homework.
If not I will be glad to re-post it for you.
We tend to try to take the focus off of our MLC partners and put them on our selves, instead, here on the MLC board.
Yes read and learn about MLC but then realize that you could be here quite a long time. No point in wasting any of that TIME because it is the most precious commodity.
You are now on your own journey while your wife is away on an alien spaceship. And the good news is that you get to decide what that journey will look like.
Keep asking questions and someone will try to help.
Thanks Cadet. I have read all of the welcome threads - they actually helped realise it was a MLC I was dealing with.
I've been working on myself and GAL since January and things have been going very well with regards to those. I already feel like a better person and realise my work isn't finished yet.
I suppose I'd like to know other than GAL and 180s is there anything at all I can do that may help to clear the fog or is it just a case of the waiting game?
Thank you for your response.
W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs 8 year old Son ILYBINILWY - Dec 12 W moved out - Jan 2013 OM - Jan 2013 I file for D - May 2013
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to assist her in clearing the fog. This is something that she will have to do during her crisis. You didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her. The best thing you can do is leave her alone, allow her to come to you and listen/validate her.
Leave the door ajar and go on w/your life as if she's not going to return. Your journey has begun as well and it is a time to do the things that you've put on the back burner or new hobbies/projects that you need to get started. Dig deeper for patience and know that if you sit quietly, the answers will come.
She is now on a separate time clock, which is very slow. You can't rush her crisis. The more you push her for answers the harder she will pull away. That's why it is best to leave her alone with lots of time and space.
It's time to turn the focus back on to you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
They live in a fantasy world and the "love" they are professing is not true love, but an infatuation/lust. Love to the mlcer is not the deep, wonderful love, it is having a f@ck buddy around for the convenience and excitement of the act...nothing more. The OM is nothing but a buddy and a band aid. Mlcers do not like to be alone, i.e., like teenagers always having someone hanging around w/them.
Sure, they can get over a 10 year marriage and breaking up a family very easily...why? Because the issues of childhood hit them very hard and come to forefront, whereby they stuff down the feelings that they have for their spouses and family. Depression plays a major role in mlc and if you read up on depression, you will see that depression comes in all shapes and sizes. Right now, your spouse is a teenager and has returned to that time to relive it because this is where she was emotionally stunted by someone in authority, it could be a parent, grandparent, teacher, etc., but it was someone of importance in her life that didn't validate and/or affirm her, i.e., didn't recognize her for her accomplshments. It could also be someone who may have abused her mentionally, emotionally or sexually.
Some day, she will begin to thaw her cold heart and soul and that's when she'll realize that she had it all and home is where the heart is. For now, she's out there cruising the world and you and the family are on the back burner. Sure, she'll peek out perodically, but it's to make sure that you are right where she left you pre-crisis. That's why it is important that you take the helm of your ship and start sailing your own course for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You will find that as she progresses through her crisis, she will try on different "masks" because she's trying to find her identity. Like teenagers, she will test you and try your patience.
Get your shovel out because you will need to continue digging for more and more patience as your travel the yellow brick road.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
BD was the day after her 39th Birthday where she told me she "wondered what her life had come too" and what happened to our ambition etc.
She now exercises religiously - she was thin anyway but has lost so much weight.
A large amount of her money is now spent on clothes and designer shoes etc.
An affair who apparently is the love of her life.
I made her feel "trapped" and I apparently controlled her and stopped her having friends.
I'm posting here now in hope that people who have been through or experienced a MLC crisis can offer me some additional advice. I have read DR and all the threads on here. Have been working on myself too.
I never initiate contact but find my Wife runs very hot cold - 1 day she can ring and be chatty etc but then for the next week she can be as cold as ice.
Thank you for reading, I'd really appreciate any comments/advice etc.
Wow Intact. Is my W related to yours in some way. This is pretty much as I could have written everything. Unbelievable. I will continue to read the rest of your posts now!!!!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
Can I ask, is confessing their love for the OM a common "symptom" of MLC.
It just strikes me as odd - surely nobody can get over a 10 year marriage and breaking up a family that easily?
Well my W said to me on BD day. I am not 'in love' with you anymore, I think I'm 'in love' with him. Amazing, not only had she been wondering how to tell me, with the 2 -3 minutes of finding out about OM, I went from having a wife, to then being told she was no longer in love with and wanting divorce, to telling me she was in love with another man. A man she claimed to have only met online!!! So yes very much fantasy.
Intact have a read through my posts. I think we are pretty much at the same stages with the same issues.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
