She texted me last night. We had eaten dinner "as a family" for the first time in a few months before I left town for a week.
"Can u text me? If not, when? Or if never about us, please say. I have questions. Do u hate me? U r good to me. Almost always. And feel like we r friends. How much of this is allusion? My life is hard. It [censored] and could might will get worse. I only want a clean break. I know u will excel without me. Yet I feel like the bad guy saying so. Why is this!?!?!? <an hour later> Also. I'm willing to stay with u. I am. But our marriage would be strictly friends. I can not open myself up to u sexually any more. I've moved on from think we work that way and I'm NOT EVER going back there. Way too much hurt. I love you Dan. I always will. We made three beautiful children together. And those little people mean the world to me. But I know I am not the right women for you. I do not feel beautiful, smart, respected or any other thing I NEED to feel with you. You need a women you feel these things for. Let me go. I'm not a project. I'm a grown women who needs more then fixing."
So, I didn't reply. Like I said, I'm going to be away for a week, and I don't know if that will be a nice buffer time to let the drama die down or another cauterized wound that makes reconciliation more unrealistic. I know that what she said about "willing to stay with u" is probably not to be taken at face value. I want to say to her, well let's do that. Let's get a new home and you can have your room and I'll have mine and we will try to at least build some stability for the kids and a relationship (not sexual/romantic, but with communication and respect) between us. But I don't think she was really opening the door to that, and I'm sure she would close it when I said my requirement to try that would be no contact w/OM. Instead, I'm trying to feel what she's feeling. I'm trying to listen, even if I don't know how to respond. I know she has felt ugly when she's caught me looking at porn, and I know that she has felt belittled and unloved, uncherished. I know that has torn her up. I'm trying to stomp down on the voice that says "but I tried to show her I loved her. She shouldn't feel that way." Anyways, I'm pretty lost. Help? Anybody?
