LRT - Dealing with WAW Affair

[RealityTrip]

I've been snooping again. I don't know why. These nutty emotions lately? I'm not confronting her with what I discover like the last time but I'm not sure why I am revisiting this bad habit. I know what it does to me. It's one of the main reasons I initiated LRT and NC, because the OW and my W's A are not healthy for me to focus on. I don't have her email passwords anymore and I asked her a month ago to change the password to our family cell plan because I didn't want to spy on her contact and monitor what she was doing. So why am I finding ways to snoop now? Like checking her debit card transactions to see what city she is in. (AP lives over an hour from where she is staying)

I remember MWD wrote in DR that I have to be patient and everything will take longer than I expect it to or want but these past couple of rough days I've just wanted to pick up the phone and say "Enough already! I want an answer! What's it going to be? Me or her?"

I hope my patience returns soon. I'm feeling stubborn. I haven't wanted to do any soul searching or personal work the past couple of days. I'm tired and hurt and angry... and I miss her terribly. This morning on the way to the office I told myself I needed to email her about the taxes today. I realized I was just making an excuse to contact her. I'm not going to do it.

So in the spirit of keeping my mouth shut and protecting her space and mine with NC... here I am, ranting at all of you. (thanks for listening)