Wife is having an emotional affair

[sandi2]

So sorry for your heartache, Alan. Unfortunately, we who have been here a while have seen this experience played out until we can come close to predicting the next scene. However, the newcomer isn't prepared to hear it from us and has to get the news in portions.

Your W had doubts about the M before the wedding, and that is not a good sign. Now, she's already in a PA. You caught this one by accident. You don't know how many EA's (or even PA's) she may have had. My first thoughts are of her being a serial cheater. If that's so, then she won't settle down and be faithful with one man, IMO. It would take her wanting to do it, first of all, and then therapy. Not MC, but therapy for her.

You may not have done anything wrong in the MR. You told me a lot about her when you said how she didn't need to "impress" anyone after she got M. But here's the problem......she needs to feel that drive to dress up and turn some on some man. She doesn't feel that for you, once she got you, so she looks for somebody else. If the A breaks up, it will be somebody later, IMO. That's why she needs therapy. It's a need she has. Part of the thrill is getting the guy. Then, she doesn't have the drive to impress him with her looks.

Don't agree to go to MC, b/c she will simply use it as the place and time to announce she wants a D. It does no good. She doesn't want counseling for a MR she doesn't want.

When a man says he wants to fight for his M, it usually means he fights with her. How else do you see fighting? I bet you see it as trying to talk some sense into her. Doesn't work.

The only thing that might work, if you decide to give it a try....is to stay away from her. Make her think you are dropping her. Then don't contact her at all. Zero contact. Let her and OM do their thing. She will either file for a D right away, or when reality hits them, the A will end and she'll turn back to good ole Alan.

Not putting you down, Alan. It's just how it plays out. If you read the other threads, you'll see what I mean. Sounds as if all the WAW's who are in an A are the same woman! I was one of those women who had an EA and was preparing to leave my H. So, I kinda know that mindset of a WAW. It's crazy! She's not who you thought you married! Right now, her mind is in a fog and you can't reach her. She'll have to go through a "process" before the fog clears. Sadly, many women get a D before the fog lifts.

You don't have to be the one to file. Even if you think you are finished, you need to wait on filing. But, do stay away from her. The sooner you disappear from her life, the sooner she will come looking for you. If you can stay anywhere else, don't continue under the same roof while she's having this A.

[lovethehub]

Alan, I am also fairly new so I don't have all of the answers but I am the W and I had an ea/pa. Unless someone is a serial cheater, there is a reason they have an affair, something that is missing in the R. I am not sure why Sandi suspects your wife is a SC (something she sees from experience that I can't see yet)but if she is, it very well could be true that you didn't do anything. However, if she isn't a SC, there were things you needed to do that you didn't, or did that you shouldn't be doing that make her feel the marriage won't work. Regardless of what you did, it does not make her decision okay but I encourage you not to make any permanent decisions yet. Do what the other members are suggesting and GAL, do not try to talk to her about your R and be sure to keep your self-respect. Trying to talk about your R, beg her, plead with her, etc will make her lose respect for you & it will make her feel guilty. She won't like that so she will pull away more. I can tell you from experience that even though I never wanted a divorce deep down, I definitely contemplated it and came close to leaving because my H placed all of the blame on me, was angry, bitter, condescending, etc. It is hard to feel loving and want to make up for the hurt you have caused if you are being treated poorly. So even though your wife is wrong, if you show her that, you will not get what you need and you will push her away. The fact that she isn't upset about you knowing about the A, and is saying she wants a divorce, indicates she definitely needs time to see the error of her ways. Do what the pros on here are recommending and go dark!

[Alan A.]

Now, she's already in a PA. You caught this one by accident. You don't know how many EA's (or even PA's) she may have had. My first thoughts are of her being a serial cheater.

I'm pretty sure this is the first A when she has been with me. I know she has cheated in some of her past relationships. I'm not sure why I though it would be different with me but I did.

But, do stay away from her. The sooner you disappear from her life, the sooner she will come looking for you. If you can stay anywhere else, don't continue under the same roof while she's having this A.

I will be looking for a new place when the semester is over (the first week of May). I would look sooner but I just don't have the time to pack/move while the semester is ending and I'm preparing for final exams.

Unless someone is a serial cheater, there is a reason they have an affair, something that is missing in the R. I am not sure why Sandi suspects your wife is a SC (something she sees from experience that I can't see yet)but if she is, it very well could be true that you didn't do anything. However, if she isn't a SC, there were things you needed to do that you didn't, or did that you shouldn't be doing that make her feel the marriage won't work.

I thought so too and I even told her that there had to be something that I did/din't do, but I've been reflecting on my life a lot recently and I have always been good to her. We have had arguments in the past but nothing we couldn't figure out. I read the LL book, I'm not certain what her LL is but I know that I regularly have done things from all 5 languages. I have always done my best every day to be the best person I can be. I don't have any destructive habits as far as I can tell. I honestly feel like I am a good person and that I have been a good H. I can't think of anything on my end that would have caused this. When we talked in the past and she tried to give me a reason as to this happening the it always been one of the following "I don't know", "it's not you it's me", "I wasn't ready for marriage/I was too young" or some other excuse that didn't feel like a real it was real.

[sandi2]

I honestly feel like I am a good person and that I have been a good H. I can't think of anything on my end that would have caused this. When we talked in the past and she tried to give me a reason as to this happening the it always been one of the following "I don't know", "it's not you it's me", "I wasn't ready for marriage/I was too young" or some other excuse that didn't feel like a real it was real.

Then it probably is her and not you. My point about the cheating and that you don't know how many A's she's had that you didn't catch is based on the fact you're practically newly weds and she's already doing another guy! I don' t believe a new bride would start playing around unless she's use to that sort of behavior.

I am not trying to plant ideas or upset you more than you already are, and I don't usually start telling a newcomer some thing this strong right off the bat. But you are beating yourself up & trying to figure out what you have done wrong that drove her to have an A. If she can't tell you, then that's a pretty clear sign, IMHO, that it's all on her. Believe me, if it was due to your behavior, she would be telling you all about it.

She may have more emotional needs that you haven't filled, but again, I think she would express those things when you were asking her. She doubted getting M to you! You knew she was a cheater when you M her. You probably are a fine young man who thought your love for her would change her past ways. But sometimes, the greatest loves do not change people for the better.

Anyway, I won't continue on with that kind of talk. Take care of yourself and do what you need to get through to the finals. The less you have contact with her, the better. You won't be able to talk sense into her. Talking doesn't work right now. Try not to worry about what she's going to do about filing for a D. It won't happen before your finals. First things first.

[cbtdad]

"Believe me, if it was due to your behavior, she would be telling you all about it."

This is so true. She would be validating all the reasons she is doing it

[Alan A.]

It's 1AM and W isn't back from the ball yet it was supposed to be over at 10PM. I'm not really surprised, I half expect her to not come home at all.

[Alan A.]

W came home shortly after that post. this morning she tells me that she's going out with some friends to a show to hang out with some friends today, then go to a show, then go to a club to celebrate a friends birthday, then sleep over at another friends house. She didn't say OM would be there today but I know he will. I'm not sure if I should believe that she is sleeping over at one of her gf's house tonight, I think it's more likely that she will be with OM. At least I won't have to be around her today.

[Alan A.]

It was weird not seeing or talking to W all day. she didn't text or call. I wish she would come back to our R but at the same time I don't know if I would be able to trust her again.

[Alan A.]

last night was the first time that I slept alone since before my wedding, It was a little rough. W came home today for a couple hours and got something to eat then watched some TV. Then she asked if it was ok for her to go to a friends (a little weird because she never asks me if I care what she does anymore) I told her that she could go if she wanted and that I couldn't control her. She said that she was going to one of her gf's house but just observing her behavior and the way she was talking made it seem like she was hiding something. She's probably with OM. I've been trying to decide what to do, do you think I should definitely move out or should I wait for her to make a move? I've talked to her about it a little, our lease is up in may and asked her if we should find other places to live. She said that she would want to stay here even if I leave. I don't know if she would move out if I stayed. What do you think?

[Alan A.]

she just sent a text saying that she will be staying at her friends house again tonight. It's weird sometimes when she does things that would normally hurt me it I don't get hurt but other times I do. I was doing some computer maintenance today and cleaning up/organizing the files. I came across a handful of documents I didn't recognize. W likes to write stories and I though they might be some of those, I opened them to see what they were. They were some stories that W had written, but some of them were sex stories about her and other people ranging from the same OM to her english prof to celebrities (there were none about me). I didn't know what to do so I just closed them, started doing something else and tried not to think about them. But they keep coming back into my head and it hurts a lot. Maybe it's for the best that she will not be here tonight again, even though she is probably with OM.