He'll get the smug satisfaction award, hmmm? If you don't mind , dearheart, can I borrow this one? I've got an H who competes for best actor for this catagory sometimes.
Good morning everyone. H took his night off the other night, which means I got a night off. I got some housekeeping done and my bills paid. Of course he stayed up all night working on his project, so I got zombie-H on Thursday night.
Lots of flooding in the area last night, so I need to add vacuming water out of my basement to the list of things to do this weekend. Traffic was all messed up this morning, but the roads are dry, which should make H happy. Our new sofa set is arriving today, so he has to drive his new loveseat up to his apartment. Rain would have nixed that plan.
We have counseling again this weekend and goodness knows what he's going to say. He's been pretty quiet this last week. I reminded him about the appointment this morning. We talked briefly about where her new office is, then he asked, "How are you?" It wasn't really the time to talk about things, but I guess he's wondering just as much as I am. Maybe we'll talk again tonight.
This morning he was carrying on about my logoed golf shirt from work. I wasn't exactly sure if he thought it was stupid, and gave him a suspicious look. Smart man, came right back with. "I think it's great that you work there and can wear that shirt." Okay, he's proud of me. That's cool.
I hope not to have an eventful weekend. Maybe I'll fill y'all in on the boring details next week. --z
Hey Z, Good morning. Im sorry to hear about the flooding. Sounds like a real pain in the a**! Anyways, I thought it was nice for him to show he was proud about your job. You know, Its also nice to see he asked how you were, but at the same time, that questions cares the hell out of me.
I never know how to answer sometimes. I usually just say im doing great and joke about it and ask how she is. I try not to get too involved even though I just want to tell her Im doing good but I could be so much better with her. You want them to think you are strong, but you also dont want them to think you are better off without them. Well, I hope you dont have any real problems this weekend and best of luck with your session!
Anything worth having is worth working HARD for!
Making a New Move
How's this for boring? I almost forgot that my divorce was set for dismissal hearing at 9:30 this morning. I wasn't there. H wasn't there. As far as I know our attorney wasn't planning on being there. I should get an order of dismissal in the mail next week. Woo hoo!
Thanks for stopping in guys. I think it's good news, oh, how I wish it were more. This reconciliation stuff is a real bear.
Big melt down today. It's been brewing for a several days. H has been quiet again. Counseling session on Saturday went rough. We're starting on the BIG don't ask, don't tell kind of issues. H spewed for over three minutes about our sex life, some of it was brand new accusations I hadn't heard before, some of it was same old misperceptions I've been telling him for months are just misperceptions. I listened quietly while he went on and on, then the C started talking as if everything that came out of his mouth were fact. I had to stop her at one point, to remind them both that "HE said I thought that, but that's NOT how I feel." Hello, I'm in the room too. That's not to say that H was out of line, just that it was another session in which I sat there listening to some very harsh things and nobody even asked what I thought about it.
C wants us to make up lists of each of our BIG issues to bring next time, so that we can start tackling them. I'm not so sure this is a good idea. On the one hand I think we do need to deal with some of these issues, but on the other hand I think it's too easy to get into entirely unconstructive, self-indulgent bitch sessions. (I didn't mention that I sometimes feel that H is doing just that at the C sessions.) Last night I was in a really bad mood about the sitch and it showed. H and I had this convoluted R talk, in which he kept talking about how things used to be. I asked, "Are you unhappy like that now?" No answer. I want to talk about what's going on right now. I don't particularly care to beat the past to death, especially if it all ends in the moral "and so that goes to show you boys and girls that z and H should never have been together in the first place."
Then of course one of those issues raised it's ugly head today. No one here will remember that when H first left there was some fishy looking financial info on his computer. The night he left, I looked on the computer and found thousands of dollars had been transfered from credit cards into thin air just a couple of weeks before. I found a bank account number at a bank we didn't do business with and no statements or paperwork. H told me that the bank account didn't exist, that a long time ago he had opened it and closed it when they didn't have the deal they had promised. H told me that the credit transfer was his credit card, his problem and I shouldn't worry about it in the D. I figured he was lying, because the simplest solution (based on his behavior in the weeks prior to the bomb) was that he had been preparing to leave. Today, H went to get cash. He drove us right up to the bank where he had supposedly never had an account. It was like being slapped in the face. It wasn't like I couldn't have understood or that the truth was so horrible; it was that he lied to me. He planned to leave and he lied about it. When he got caught lying about it, he lied some more.
When I finally stopped fuming enough to even talk about it. H denied it again. He said that "it didn't happen that way." That he intended to close the account, but I threw him out (rolls eyes). That he had moved the money around and opened the account thinking that maybe something might happen, but he'd never planned on it. Oh, I see, what a huge difference... not!
This all degraded into the discussion about whether he was thrown out or left. I can see how the thought he was thrown out, but he clearly made the choice. All I did was force the choice. That was probably a pre-DB mistake, but it's what I did. He was carrying on about not dealing with ultimatums, and how he'd told me never to push him. He had no idea what kind of hell I was living through that pushed me to push him toward a decision. I told him as much and he didn't get it. He honestly does not know how wretchedly he treated me in that last week. He thinks there's no difference between him now and him then. Let's see back then he didn't say anything appreciative to me when I did things for him, in fact he found something to criticize in everything I did. When he looked at me he didn't smile. He looked dead. He thinks that was just my oversensitivity combined with my boringness, and none of that has changed apparently. LOL. No, he is remarkably altered in his behavior toward me. Even in the C session he listed the fact that I could cook among my good traits. The week before he left, he told me not to cook, because it annoyed him.
I know now that H was just confused up and on his way out. He lived it, but he doesn't believe that's the case. He has this belief that he was true to the end. I told H today, that I don't want to dig up things he has said and done in the past year, just so that I can feel bad about it all over again. I don't want to harbor this stuff against him, especially when I realize now that much of it was just his feelings of the moment. I'm trying to bury it, and it's hard to do when little things keep happening to make me feel the pain all over again. There is a huge element of trust missing for me, because he left. He may have had good reason to leave, but it doesn't change the fact that he was actually capable of doing it. I wonder when he's going to do it again.
He says he wonders when I'm going to throw him out again. Now that was an interesting discussion, because he's said something along those lines a few times; and I believe now that this is part of the reason he won't move home. In my version of this I told him to work on the marriage or leave. In his version, he had no choice; he was just thrown out. I said today, "If I made a mistake forcing you to make a decision when you weren't ready, do you really think I'm going to do it again?" He said, "Depends on whether or not you learned anything?" Again he's back to accusatory tones. So I told him that I could see now that he wasn't ready to make the decision, and that he was very confused, and that I was very hurt, and I forced him to make a choice, which was a mistake. I also said that he made the choice and he chose wrong. His response was careful not to acknowledge my assertion, but he did concede that I am special and he wants me in his life.
It got kind of mushy heart-to-heart from there. Before it ended I addressed something that he had said during the C session the other day about me not wanting him. Lately, it seems like we've been having a competition over who can feel the most unattractive and rejected. I told him that I didn't know what I'd done to hurt him, but that I wanted him to know that I think he's attractive and want to have a physical relationship with him.
So I should mention one of the nice things that happened at the C. She made us list five things we love about each other that keep us together. H's list for me was: 1) He can trust me above all others. 2) I'm pretty. 3) I can cook. 4) I have good judgment. (Not sure when he started thinking that.) 5) I am bigger than life, always surprising him. (This is my personal favorite. Ultima Femina!)
My list for H was: 1) He is practical. 2) He is handsome and smells good. 3) He is creative and visionary. 4) He is careful about bestowing affection, but when he does he loves with all his heart. 5) He can do anything.
Well, I've got to get dinner going. We've got some more work to get done before it's time to catch the season premier of Soprano's.
Quote: just that it was another session in which I sat there listening to some very harsh things and nobody even asked what I thought about it.
What is it with these therapists? That pretty much sums up my experiences as well. I think it has something to do with the fact that we sit there and actually accept some responsiblity for the way things are while our spouses keeping hammering on how they are perfect and this mess is all our fault.
Whatever the reason, I find it kind of painful to sit through.
JS, Yup, it's a real kicker. I was just thinking this morning about how H just keeps carrying on about me like I'm some kind of a monster in C. He runs down the list of my faults, my past inconsiderations and the yet-to-be-named hurtful remarks I've made -- we get to go into more detail on that next session. This same man who sits there in C and tells the C about how horrible I am is the same man who says that I am kind, considerate, loving, trustworthy and special above all others. Now, I know I'm not perfect all of the time, but I feel like he flips a switch in his brain every time he walks into the C's office. I guess the best defense is a good offense. --z
I should get an order of dismissal in the mail next week. Woo hoo! 
