I then hit another low point. I asked S4 about trip. I never mentioned OM name but asked about mom and mom's friends. I got more than I asked for. S4 mentioned that mommy kissed OM. He then said that the hotel room was upgraded to 4 beds instead of 2. He said that he and D2 each got separate beds but that mommy had to share a bed with OM. I understand that S4 might have made it up.
I never talked to W about S4's comments. I felt that talking about OM would only upset her and make here hate me more. I prayed and asked God to give me guidance. Somehow, he reminded me that I had to come to the end of myself to change toward Him. W will need to do also. If I say something to W, she will be angry at me. If someone else says something, she won't be mad at me but still feel the shame. I am a little worried about what she is doing to the kids. She would probably do worse if we were divorced. I need to support the kids and be the pillar of strength for them. I need to be the role model they need in this situation to show them how to handle it. It reminds me that God's love shines brightest in the worst of situations. I might be in the worst place ever in my life, but I can find happiness in knowing that God is more powerful than any of my problems. He created stars and galaxies. Surely he can fix a marriage (if it is his will).
W came over to visit kids (we alternate weeks at the house). She was angry because S12 is having issues in school (probably somewhat related to M problems). She was also angry that I didn't tell her about other problems during the week. I thought I did, but alas...not worth a fight. One time I called to talk to her about a problem. I heard another voice. I was confused because it sounded like her. She said the radio was on. I said that it sounded like her but drunk and slurry (trying to be funny). NOT FUNNY! Everything else I had to say was met with bitterness. I learned that I need to watch carefully what I say or just don't say anything. Turn to God first. WWJD? At any rate, she got angry and talked about seeking D lawyer at the end of May. She said that I was rude. She said that, in general, I was saying the right things but doing the wrong ones. She must not have been too angry because she sent several texts that night about money and the kids. Impersonal stuff but it did seem like she was reaching out.
At the end of the day, I sent her another text. I told her she was going to think I was nuts. I was excited because she said "I was saying the right things but doing the wrong ones." I pointed out that this was way different than in October when I was thinking, saying, and doing all the wrong things (in her eyes). God's work was showing. It might not be much but I'll take what I can get. I also have a long way to go. God can do anything. She did not respond to the text, but I feel she read it.
I read a few inspirational posts on the DB forums that I went so far as to print out and carry around. One said to start being a friend and stop being a H. I've tried to make things easier for my wife. When I am at the house, I clean up all the toys, dishes, laundry. I was always pretty lazy before and never did laundry. I am also trying to get as many projects as I can done around the house that I've been putting off for the last 6 months. I am working to be the man I want to be. I am reading books to help understand my children better. I talk to them more to help them find happiness in life.
The other was a story that pointed out the power of compliments and thankfulness. I started thanking my wife for all sorts of things (1 every other day or so). I thanked her for cooking food for the last 13 years. I thanked her for advice on children.
When I dropped of the kids at the sitter the other day, she was there. She didn't acknowledge me, but I acted happy. She smiled really big at D2 and had a fun conversation with her. I was there about 1 minute and then I had to go to work. On the train ride to work I texted her to say "You looked very nice today. I think it is your smile that makes you glow. My day is certainly brighter because of it." She texted back and thanked me for the compliment. It is small, but I'll take it. I'm starting to figure out W's happy buttons.
