It is a delicate balance maintaining hope but having zero expectations. I am getting to, and staying in that place a lot now.
The Wednesday invite to stay at W house isn't going to work unfortunately. I stayed here last night and as of writing this she is M.I.A. When we discussed it I told her that I needed to think about it, but would do a trial evening. Trial is definitely a failure as I am not about to relive the pain of the months pre-separation for even one night a week. I had told her that if she didn't feel comfortable enough having me here to be here herself that I wasn't interested.
The sad thing is that her guilt is taking over where the anger toward me was. But the action is the same: avoidance. I hope that over time I can help her feel safe enough to want to be around me.
Going to adjust our Wednesdays to something else until she feels differently. In the meantime more DB and focus on me and S.
Me-36 W-31 M-7 S-5 BD Dec/12- things were wrong for awhile, head was in the sand
Seeking means: to have a goal Finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal
Moth, was just catching up on your situation. Sounds like it's been tough and that you are making some real progress. That's great!
Don't have any additional advice, just encouragement.
Stay strong!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Interesting little twist today. I spoke to W early in the day to cancel her invitation to stay at her home Wednesday night to be with S. I wasn't angry or accusing her in any way. I simply stated that I respect her desire to go out on her designated nights out. I accept that on those nights if she desires to stay out all night and stay somewhere else that is her decision.
But that I won't participate in a cycle of behavior between us that is hurtful. I told her that I know she isn't doing it to be hurtful, I just have to control myself and have a boundary to not allow myself to be involved in that. I am moving forward with my life.
She was very upset and has said repeatedly that she is very confused about things. She hasn't felt any pressure from me in all this ( wed night was her idea) and she wanted me to stay at her home on Wednesdays that she would come to her home when I was there. She said that is what she wanted.
Told W we had a week to think about it but I was willing to try again provided this is her desire. If it wasn't I was happy to explore a different option.
Also in telling her about the events I have coming up for my business she became very upset again. I invited her to one if she wanted to, she had again expressed her confusion but said to let her know when and she would think about it. But she was interested.
I feel very good mentally, continuing to stay in a nice detached place, but being open and friendly to W. Now she is showing interest but I still am moving forward with my own GAL. She can join me or not for these things. I will enjoy myself either way.
Me-36 W-31 M-7 S-5 BD Dec/12- things were wrong for awhile, head was in the sand
Seeking means: to have a goal Finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal
Wait a second. Wasn't the point of Wednesdays to be with your S? She didn't sign up to stay with you on Wednesday, did she? Just because you expected her to be there and she wasn't. Now she feels pressured to be there.
I think you have to decide what you want here. To see S on the Wednesdays, or see S because it means seeing (and being with )W
You may be right, I saw it differently. I thought she was pressured to not be in her home because of my presence there. I had asked to just take S to my house on Wed so she could still have her night out.
Quite possible I misinterpreted the chain of events. Because she isn't staying with us there, she goes out right when I arrive. The negativity come in that she was too intoxicated to come back to her house in a timely fashion so I was late leaving for work etc. A dance that we played for months pre-S.
I wanted to see S on Wed ( and will one way or another) but guess I thought that supplanting her from her own home was causing negativity.
Thanks for the perspective, going to explore it and see if I need to adjust.
Me-36 W-31 M-7 S-5 BD Dec/12- things were wrong for awhile, head was in the sand
Seeking means: to have a goal Finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal
Just thinking about things from this past week. Ever since the one decent conversation W and I had she has been very cold. It seems from reading on these boards that hot/cold is normal behavior. Family time today was worse than it has been as far as that is concerned.
W and S came to my house and had been stuck in traffic getting here. I started to say to W that I felt bad they had a rough trip over but she turned her back to me and went into the bathroom without saying a word. The cold shoulder basically went all afternoon. She escaped partway to do S's laundry. Last couple of family days same thing. W has a reason to leave as shortly after arrival.
My reason for looking into the whole thing: does this appear to be "normal" WAS behavior? Or perhaps I need to pull away and give more space? Maybe cancel family day for a few weeks? I have been calm about things when it happens, but it just makes for a very awkward day. S wants us together but the whole thing is a sham.
One more question if anyone has advice about this: W always hugs me when we part, usually it is a really sterile lean-in hug. Occasionally it is the real thing. I am starting to hate it though. Just making me irritated that she even feels the need to hug me in a fake way. I get nothing out of it. At the moment I feel like either saying something (which seems like it wouldn't go well) or just not hugging back. Not looking to cause waves, but I don't feel like it is good for me.
Feeling a little annoyed about our interactions. Just want consistency in my life so I am not distracting my energy from myself and son.
Me-36 W-31 M-7 S-5 BD Dec/12- things were wrong for awhile, head was in the sand
Seeking means: to have a goal Finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal
If she wants to hug, give her a hug. If you love your W, I think you should enjoy getting a hug from her. "Act as if" she really misses you. If you cut off a piece of your relationship, you never know when it will come back. You may even get to the point where you miss the fake hugs. I do. I can't even touch my W anymore.
My W just leaves when I come to spend time with the kids. Your WAW seems normal to me. You can always think of your family days to show W how happy and attractive the new you is. Work on detaching. Don't let her mood swings bring you down.
I wouldn't say anything about the hug. You need actions not words. If you say something it is more likely to be a negative.
Maybe try putting less into it, do a really quick hug and back off before she does. Or maybe position yourself so it doesn't happen. She either won't care and it doesn't matter or she will and it does matter.
If she wanted a good hug that is what she would do but she obviously doesn't for whatever reason.
It's easy for me to tell you this but tbh I would worry of the implications if you said this to me.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
