Quote: If y'all think you're bored with my sitch, try living it. Actually, it's kind of exciting to see things getting better between my H and I
I'm confused. So which is it boring or exciting? As for me, I don't think I'd call this little dance W and I are doing exciting...exhausting maybe.
But your situation sounds like it's getting better all the time...even if he is all f***ed up. Keep hanging in there and you'll wear him down. I'm sure of it!
I don't think I'll ever get used to some of the stuff y'all talk about on this bb. I have to admit it is somewhat of a learning experience. Sorry you got bad news at the doctor and I hope you get whatever problem that is taken care of in a satisfactory manner.
Quote: [ ML isn't painful for me anymore, but H says I'm still pretty dry. So now obgyn is switching me to some kind of estrogen cream. Blech! The really bad news is that I had another pap smear come back abnormal, which means I get to have another biopsy. My last biopsy came back clean, but the experience is not one I want to repeat. I'm actually weighing the risk of dying of cancer against having to endure that again.
Z - I guess others must have asked at some point, but can you use K-Y warming or something like that? That is great though that you aren't in pain too much. I went through a lengthy marriage with no sex and ex-b will say he made a monster out of me in that way. I am not that bad, but around him I'm pretty darn weak.
I hope everything goes okay with your biopsy.
Your H sounds so similar to my ex-b, in nearly every way.
Happy to hear that things are getting better and better. You certainly deserve it after all the effort you put into DB'ing!
I hope that everything turns out fine with the biopsy. If they don't find anything, you may want to consider seeing a good homeopath that may be able to see something that western medicine doesn't catch sometimes. I know my own homeopath in St. Louis has saved me mucho money because he caught things that were complete misdiagnosis by MDs.
JS: The warning was there primarily for your benefit. Of course I should have known that you'd tough it out. Thanks for stopping in.
Denise, H and I have done testing and there is not a lubricant on the market that really works. They all wear out with friction. I wish "no sex" could make me a monster, so far it only seems to make me a virgin... again. Yikes!
Hacker, Thanks for stopping in. I was just telling JS earlier today that I'm really sick of this lingering mystery-illness. Cancer would suck, but it's probably nothing that dramatic. You know I once had a very bad acid stomach caused by stress. After months of constant pain, I got downright sick of it. I willed myself out of stress. I lost the pain after about three days, and haven't ever had it sense. I keep hoping this is something like that.
Everyone, H sent me a joke tonight that I just loved:
Quote:
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked,"Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf/sailing/ballooning/rock climbing ?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around?"
"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a [censored] if you live to be 80?"
Hey all. Interesting R convo with H last night. Most he's opened up in a long time. I think I handled it pretty well.
I've had a lot of things on my mind lately. I know I've been putting a bit of pressure on him; and I haven't really been clear with him as to why. Heck I wasn't even very sure myself. I've been thinking about it; and it's getting to decision making time for me.
I need to make some repairs on the house, which is creating something of financial pinch. Meanwhile I've been holding off decisions that are impacted by whether or not my H is in my life. Questions like do I take a second job to pay for the repairs? Do I get a roommate? The house is too small for both H (or a roommate) and I, so should I be fixing it up to sell or to stay? If I commit to anyone of these endeavors and my situation changes dramatically, I could end up worse off then when I started. It's spring, time to move if I'm going to. After the convo we had, I'll probably end up making half of a decision. I just need to sit and think about it some more.
Anyway, I was pretty antsy last night, though not in a bad mood. H noticed that I kept getting this expectant look on my face, and asked me what was wrong. I didn't want to talk about it, because I could see the guilt forming if I said anything. Mr. Evasive himself kept pushing until I finally told him that I was getting impatient because I was getting worried about some financial issues. He still wanted to pretend like I should do what is best for me and not take him into account. I said, "So you want me to make decisions as though you aren't going to be around. As though you are going to divorce me." He didn't like that either. He didn't get it until I detailed the kind of decisions I need to make. His face just dropped, when I said the word "roommate."
He asked me if I was going to divorce him. I got ticked and said, "No! I will never divorce you. You divorce me. That's the way this works." Ew! That was ugly.
I said, less pointedly, "Now you know what's on my mind; and it doesn't make one bit of difference to whether or not you're ready to make a decision."
He went back to telling me that the reason he is with me is because he wants to be with me, but he knows that's not enough for me.
I clarified that him settling for me is what isn't enough for me.
Him: "What's the difference? Don't we all settle for each other in some way?" Interesting point.
I said, "I CHOSE you and I married you... and that means something to me."
He looked guilty, "I don't think it means the same thing to me." I just nodded. He looked guiltier, and seemed at a loss for words.
I did want some clarification and he wasn't giving anything up, so I asked point blank, "Is this about the old thing of you not loving me and not being attracted to me?" Then he got that frustrated, trapped look. I could tell he thought I was setting him up again. So I said, "I only asked that because I'm afraid that's what you're thinking and you don't want to say it because you're afraid of hurting my feelings. I'm saying it, so we can clear the air."
Oddly, that worked. He said, "That's not it exactly. It's that I don't feel anything."
It got a little muddled after that, but here's what I think he was saying. He thinks I'm great and he has a trust in me that he's never had in any other romantic relationship, but he doesn't feel the things that he thinks he should or with the intensity he thinks he should. It's very important to him to have those feelings in order to show those feelings. He isn't sure if he'd know if the feelings he does have are appropriate or intense enough or too intense. He doesn't think he can guage. In short he thinks he's a big mess and he's trying to work things out.
I explained to him a little of how I think love becomes a decision, and that to lose intensity is perfectly normal. I'm not sure how much of that he accepted. His face kept switching between confused, dubious and understanding. Oh well.
We had a few moments of silence when he got up to do something on the computer. I waited and then asked if I could ask a pointed question. I could tell he wanted to say, "no." He said, "okay." I asked him, and he had a pretty decent explanation. He actually answered me. And I actually accepted his answer. I think he could tell I was genuinely concerned for him in asking. That's a good thing.
So there's the latest and greatest. Now time to sit down and figure out what I'm going to do next about the house. Hmmm...
Had an interesting, if hair raising, e-mail exchange with H. I hate disagreeing with someone via e-mail. We're having friends over for Chinese food tomorrow night. My girlfriend was going to pick up dinner and bring it over. When we added another couple, I called her about it. She was clearly a little anxious about the change, but rolled with it. She asked if I could call in my order and that of the other couple, seperately so she wouldn't have to worry about getting it wrong. A little more complicated, but a small price to pay for having her pick up the food.
So, I e-mailed H explaining the change, and mentioning that she wasn't comfortable being responsible for getting the order straight. He e-mailed me back in a rather sharp tone (not sure if he meant it that way) that if she couldn't take responsibility, we'd just do the whole thing ourselves and he'd pick up the food. He launched a short volley of faults against our plan.
First I was a little put off that he felt like he had to step in and take charge. (This would be a typical occurrence in the old-R.) Second, I didn't feel like renegotiating the plan and getting her order. Third, I was afraid that she would get really frustrated at yet another change. Fourth, calling her back to change it would be like him showing me up in front of my friends. "Look, z, can't even make simple decisions without her H around to tell her what to do." I wasn't mad, but I was bummed out by his response.
I decided to set asid points 2, 3, and 4 as minor issues. I felt I really needed to deal with the first point, in a good way. It occurred to me that H already had a job, which involved being at home to let people in if they arrived early. I also remembered that H really likes to feel like he's being useful. Maybe he was just trying to help?
So I wrote him back, saying I'd rather leave things the way that we had it, explaining why I trusted my friend to get it done in a timely manner, and reinforcing that I could really use his help in being home to greet our guests before I get there. I thought it was pretty good, but you never know.
The response I got back was. "Okay. Want to go to lunch?" Whew!
I have absolutely no idea why you even had to bring up a Chinese food order change with your H, because regardless of who orders the food, his understanding is that he greets people if they show early..
Now I know why someone is making trillions off a book called.."Don't Sweat the Small Stuff"..LOL
Glad it all worked out in the end, hope its an enjoyable evening..hope they don't short you on the fortune cookies..LOL..
The string of successive nights is broken. I'm all alone tonight.
I had a professional meeting tonight. H initially said he'd come over anyway and see me afterwards, which surprised me. He called today to say he ought to get some things done at his apartment instead, which made more sense anyway. I said it was okay, but I'll admit to y'all that I was a little disappointed at the time. As I expected I got over it.
I actually enjoy being alone, probably moreso than most people, but it still takes a little acclimating. As usual, fifteen minutes of housekeeping helped reenergize me. I'm sitting here right now enjoying the silence of the room, the peace of my own thoughts and the anticipation of having the bed to myself.
Don't get me wrong. I do miss him, and I enjoy talking with him, and I like sleeping next to him. I just like this too.
H and I talked a couple of times on the phone this evening. The last convo was nice. We're busily planning our dinner for tomorrow.
He has a tendency to be overly ambitious with his time, so I was worried when he offered to pick up a couple of grocery items. I was trying to tell him that I had a busy day tomorrow, but should be free between 2 and 3 if he needed me to go to the store instead. We didn't raise voices or get sharp with one another, but he did keep interupting me to say that he would take care of it. Finally, I managed to communicate that I agreed to him being the one go to the store, but I wanted him to know my availability "in case something came up" that he needed me to take care of. He let me finish. So now we're in agreement and contingency plans have been discussed -- without the use of raised voices or accusations. That is way better than old-R.
Good morning all. Wish I could report all is well between H and I. It's just okay. Big argument came out of a misunderstanding on Friday night. By the time we got it all sorted out I was frustrated that we even had to have these stupid arguments. Maybe it's the kind of thing all couples have misunderstandings about, but it's just one more straw on the camel's back as far as I'm concerned.
When things calmed down; and I offered a truce. He threw it right back in my face. I made myself vulnerable; and he gave me a cold response. H to self: "Let's just make absolutely sure that H feels guilty and z feels hurt." He was determined not to bury the hatchet before bedtime. He had a horrible night's sleep. Good. He did manage to say something smart in the morning to close the issue.
We had a few, bouts of bickering over stupid stuff during the weekend. Considering that we spent almost the 14 hours shopping and five hours on household projects, maybe it's not so surprising that we went a few rounds. On the whole H seemed to be in a poor mood. Not so much the brooding bad mood I'm used to. He just got himself worked up over little things and wasn't using his "I feel" statements. He was the king of the categorical accusation during every little argument. Once, he wanted to know what he would get when it turned out that he was right and I was wrong. I said that he could have smug self-satisfaction. Doesn't sound like much of a prize to win when you think about it.
He (like me) is feeling discouraged by all of the bickering, but I really think he needs some time off. He's got a lot of irons in the fire. I think he's sacrificing time on his projects to be with me. That's nice, but not if he's going to be stressed out all the time.
That's all the bad news on the upfront, but it wasn't too bad of a weekend. I sent him an e-card and called him today to check on him. He's still stressed. He did send me a sweet e-card saying he was thinking about me, SWL.
Which leads me to the Suburban Slam that happened this weekend between H and BIL. They had a huge argument. I only got involved when BIL was on the verge of losing control, but H read my conciliatory tone to be sympathy with BIL. Whatever.
Basically, BIL is a neurotic jerk, who is planning some very inconsiderate behavior during his upcoming visit to their parents. He has deluded himself; and H was delivering some unwanted reality in his most confrontational way. Soon it became very clear that my H had made his point; and it had been soundly rejected. Heck, BIL was yelling and storming around like the house was on fire.
When we got to the car, H started spewing at me. I told him that I thought he was right. He called me on not supporting him. I told him that he was right, I probably should have said something in support. I just thought he had the issue under control until the point his B got out of control.
H spent the next hour rehashing the whole argument and the concerns he had about BIL's trip from the beginning. He's sure that the worst is going to happen. He's determined that if something does happen, he will never forgive his B or himself. He says he doesn't care about his R with his B, but I know he'll steep in guilt for the rest of his life if he cuts off that R. Glory be!
I validated as much as I could, but I also kept trying to tell H that he is not responsible for his parents. He is not responsible for his B's actions. He can't control any of them. He needs to let go of things he can't control. He shouldn't let his B get to him when he acts like the jerk, we already know he is. Don't know that I made much of an impression, but H did calm down after a while. Sheesh, I hope no one dies.
I am not that bad, but around him I'm pretty darn weak.
