Hey all. Interesting R convo with H last night. Most he's opened up in a long time. I think I handled it pretty well.
I've had a lot of things on my mind lately. I know I've been putting a bit of pressure on him; and I haven't really been clear with him as to why. Heck I wasn't even very sure myself. I've been thinking about it; and it's getting to decision making time for me.
I need to make some repairs on the house, which is creating something of financial pinch. Meanwhile I've been holding off decisions that are impacted by whether or not my H is in my life. Questions like do I take a second job to pay for the repairs? Do I get a roommate? The house is too small for both H (or a roommate) and I, so should I be fixing it up to sell or to stay? If I commit to anyone of these endeavors and my situation changes dramatically, I could end up worse off then when I started. It's spring, time to move if I'm going to. After the convo we had, I'll probably end up making half of a decision. I just need to sit and think about it some more.
Anyway, I was pretty antsy last night, though not in a bad mood. H noticed that I kept getting this expectant look on my face, and asked me what was wrong. I didn't want to talk about it, because I could see the guilt forming if I said anything. Mr. Evasive himself kept pushing until I finally told him that I was getting impatient because I was getting worried about some financial issues. He still wanted to pretend like I should do what is best for me and not take him into account. I said, "So you want me to make decisions as though you aren't going to be around. As though you are going to divorce me." He didn't like that either. He didn't get it until I detailed the kind of decisions I need to make. His face just dropped, when I said the word "roommate."
He asked me if I was going to divorce him. I got ticked and said, "No! I will never divorce you. You divorce me. That's the way this works." Ew! That was ugly.
I said, less pointedly, "Now you know what's on my mind; and it doesn't make one bit of difference to whether or not you're ready to make a decision."
He went back to telling me that the reason he is with me is because he wants to be with me, but he knows that's not enough for me.
I clarified that him settling for me is what isn't enough for me.
Him: "What's the difference? Don't we all settle for each other in some way?" Interesting point.
I said, "I CHOSE you and I married you... and that means something to me."
He looked guilty, "I don't think it means the same thing to me." I just nodded. He looked guiltier, and seemed at a loss for words.
I did want some clarification and he wasn't giving anything up, so I asked point blank, "Is this about the old thing of you not loving me and not being attracted to me?" Then he got that frustrated, trapped look. I could tell he thought I was setting him up again. So I said, "I only asked that because I'm afraid that's what you're thinking and you don't want to say it because you're afraid of hurting my feelings. I'm saying it, so we can clear the air."
Oddly, that worked. He said, "That's not it exactly. It's that I don't feel anything."
It got a little muddled after that, but here's what I think he was saying. He thinks I'm great and he has a trust in me that he's never had in any other romantic relationship, but he doesn't feel the things that he thinks he should or with the intensity he thinks he should. It's very important to him to have those feelings in order to show those feelings. He isn't sure if he'd know if the feelings he does have are appropriate or intense enough or too intense. He doesn't think he can guage. In short he thinks he's a big mess and he's trying to work things out.
I explained to him a little of how I think love becomes a decision, and that to lose intensity is perfectly normal. I'm not sure how much of that he accepted. His face kept switching between confused, dubious and understanding. Oh well.
We had a few moments of silence when he got up to do something on the computer. I waited and then asked if I could ask a pointed question. I could tell he wanted to say, "no." He said, "okay." I asked him, and he had a pretty decent explanation. He actually answered me. And I actually accepted his answer. I think he could tell I was genuinely concerned for him in asking. That's a good thing.
So there's the latest and greatest. Now time to sit down and figure out what I'm going to do next about the house. Hmmm...
