Married: 21 years, D21 / S20 Divorced: 2 years, wish I had known about divorce busting :-( Condensed Scenario: True love marriage we eloped secretly married in small church and went camping for honeymoon. Struggled with his business left my secure job to raise kids 11 months apart. Eventually worked for his business for 8 years. Struggled with economy and he decided to hire his sister in my place. I took it very hard. I eventually found part time work. Meanwhile he has PA with my best friend. I forgive, tell no one. I'm thinking things are ok. I'm not feeling very secure with my life. Decide to make my own changes within myself and be my own source of happiness with or without him. I feel he is very stressed out all time from business and money. Don't spend a lot of alone time. Daughter plays softball year round and he helps her practice. We are always gone on weekends with travel ball. During my daughter's senior year in school my XH gets crazy great corporate job offer, except in another city 1-1/2 hours away. He takes it and commutes. Home on weekends then stays at my sisters house and goes back forth. Tries to get me to come up, but I'm focused on my little bit of freedom now. I have EA since I've gotten very little attention from XH. (Not an excuse) XH mother dies from Alzheimer's we bury her on Saturday then on Monday my daughter is in horrific car accident. Life or death scenario but eventually is left paralyzed from chest down. During her rehab 6 months in hospital we have a marriage melt down. Makes adjustments to a house he rents for daughter and us to move to. I tell him we need to wait to make final move until son graduates in 4 months and allow daughter time to adjust. He wants out to start new life. Loose the house we built and car. Everything in storage and my kids and I move in with my parents. He picks daughter up in weekends. Doesn't talk to me is very mean and abrupt. Totally detaches. He wants nothing to do with me. I do all the wrong things. Beg, plead say nasty things to each other, it was hell. He files divorce and I suspect someone else. Lawyer claims there is. I'm horrified. He told me he just can't take living with me anymore. Get the I don't love you bomb dropped after daughter comes home from hospital. Upon moving stuff out of house I find inappropriate card hidden in his sock drawer from woman he works with at new job. Turns my world upside down. He denies. Finally 3 months after divorce is final, he exposes he has a girlfriend. I accuse and blame and fall victim. He acts so mature and full of himself saying how immature I am and this is why he left. Argh! I tell him midlife crisis. He says I'm crazy and defends himself rewriting history of how awful our marriage really was. I can not convince him otherwise. 3 days after divorce I take our then 19 year old daughter on trip to Florida to spinal cord recovery center that he doesn't agree with. We go 2 weeks and return to stay at parents. This goes on for 4 months and we eventually move to Florida. I have an amazing life here now. Except - I'm still in love with him. I realize it is MLC. He's been with OW since filing for divorce. She lives in Minnesota and they see each other long distance relationship. Very convenient. He travels back n forth there for work and stays with her. He's destroyed our families. He has only seen daughter twice a year. They talk and more than likely text. Son in college in same city as XH, but doesn't see much because XH travels a lot for work. Kids were very bothered at first, but now they tolerate. They were going through their own issues at the time. They want nothing to do with OW and don't ask and he doesn't tell. I've done everything wrong as far as DB/DR. We rarely communicate and when we have I've blamed and been victim. I tell him I love and care for him etc. I'm proud of his career. He makes 6 figure income now and enjoys the success with OW. So unfair. We struggled for so long and now he's rewarded with OW. She is only 3 years younger. Don't know much about her except that she has no kids. Freedom! I remain caretaker of daughter 24/7. I'm doing great with her! Wouldn't be anywhere else. Recently had to endure 4 days in Santa Domingo for daughters stem cell treatment with XH and FIL. He knows how I feel about what and how he ended things and how devestated I was through all this. I played off as wonderful XW while there! Academy award for me! He returns home and tells everyone how our relationship has healed. Yeah right! We had no conversation between us. I'm still very bitter and hurt. Read book realize changes I have to make. Doing 180 and setting goals. I don't know if he'll ever come around. He says marriage has been over and It's been two years I need to move on. Thinks I'm being pathetic. Never talks about or asks about me to our children. Told me I should date. I told him "I do" that's it. He said good. He's happy for me. I think his knowing this makes what he did ok or relieves him of some guilt.
Dilemma: XH is planning a weekend visit to see daughter and bring our son too! Yeah I'm so looking forward. But how do I handle this. Last time he visited I refused to see him or allow him into my home. I would love nothing more than the 4 of us to be together as a family again. I want him to miss that! Yet part of me says to refuse his friendship after all he's with OW and wants nothing to do with me and our relationship. Doesn't want to lead me on. I've tried dating a few guys and I'm just not ready. Seen therapist and on anti-depressants. Kids just want me to move on and be happy again. They see my hurt and pain. I'm so much better now with new life in Florida, but can't see myself loving anyone else and am still very much attracted to him. Or even that he can love someone else. I really feel that we should be together. My family is very hurt and disappointed in him to decide all this while daughter is recovering from such life changing event. He has not been there for her emotionally and physically for that matter. It takes a lot of work to get her to therapies and recovery. They think I'm crazy that I still have feelings for him. I don't trash talk him but give more understanding towards him.
What do you think? Any thoughts or advise on how to stay in his life so he can notice changes in me? How do I handle this? I used to send him pictures and videos of daughter at recovery efforts but he never acknowledged them so I just quit. His family, dad and 4 sisters, don't communicate with me and cut me off. They just want us to both be "happy" everyone deserves happiness. His dad was married over 50 years. No divorce in my family. His one sister is divorced and her and her XH are now best of friends. I think my XH thinks we should be that way too.
Please help me out here. Is there even a chance? I'm so torn between hope and moving on. I've decided to move forward and live my life. I have a new life in Florida and friends and functions. I've even dated. Not slept with anyone since him. Then a part of my ego says he's been f-ing another woman and spends 9 days of christmas with her when he hasn't even seen his kids. Says he dreads coming to visit in Florida because of me. I don't know what signs I should be looking for. I've 180 my approach and any communications with him. I'm very nice and not expecting anything from him. Just appear informative regarding our daughter. What else does anyone suggest? I do see us together again. This has been so unlike his character. He's been a standup guy; community and church. He's become someone else. Changed his style of clothing and wears cologne. Where did he go? And why does she get to have this new version of him. I know we didn't have things perfect but it was a bomb when he said he didn't love me anymore and hasn't for a long time. That he's been very unhappy. I just always thought it was stress from work. Help!
I just found out that he mentioned he was happy I am doing weight watchers along side my daughter. He has tried to get me to do weight watchers and I know the extra 60 lbs always bothered him. He once told me he was tired of fantasizing of what I used to look like (!) I never really lost all the baby weight I gained. Pretty shallow on his part but was concerned about my health too. Not that I'm huge I'm a size 14 but i am trying to get down to my "date weight" to at least a size 12. It's a start in my 180 and although he hasn't seen me since January, he may be curious now. The other thing I'm working on is running again. Bought new shoes and if I want to do 180 I have to get up early 6am to do it. Only problem is since I care for my daughter I usually don't get to bed until 1am. I've always been a nite person and he's a morning person. He actually put me down in the end about this. Calling me lazy and unproductive. I actually got a lot of laundry done while waiting up for my kids curfew to get home while he was sleeping. Yeah as my sister says "why do you still want to be with him?" my goal is Monday 6am! I think my daughter will be more amazed than my X.
M: 49 H: 49 S23 D24 (disabled from car accident 6 yrs ago) M: 21yrs BD: 1 month after D home from hospital (after 6 months) D: 3/11/11 Moved: 10/11/11 to FL for SCI recovery X: engaged w/OW
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links with a new one.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thank you. I've been slowly taking the time to read the post and I have read both DB and DR. It's hard because we have no contact whatsoever except via my S or D. I have questioned my self since reading the books if my behavior or response will bring me closer or further from my goal. It's helped. I just sent email to family members and I included him in an upcoming event my D will be participating in. In the past I never I would have never included him. I have yet to get a response, but I really don't expect one. We'll see if he notices.
You tell me to DETACH? How do I do that? What are the steps or pointers to do? I have a started a new life 1,000 mile from him. Not because of him but none the less I'm stronger and doing well on my own. He detached from me so easily. I noticed when he started to call me by my first name and not the shortened version of it when my daughter came home. Should I do that to him. He is actually the reverse. I always used his long name but everyone knows him by the short version. IDK? I'm thinking of sending him a card that had a saying on it that reminded me of something he used to say to me. It's not too gushy it's just an encouraging card. I want to send it to his work though. It would come across as something different and unexpected. I know patience patience patience and my daughter throws in tolerance. What do you think?
M: 49 H: 49 S23 D24 (disabled from car accident 6 yrs ago) M: 21yrs BD: 1 month after D home from hospital (after 6 months) D: 3/11/11 Moved: 10/11/11 to FL for SCI recovery X: engaged w/OW
Ok after doing a lot more reading I think my XH was a WAH and triggered by MLC. He was so sure of his decision. Never was in limbo. Just up and knew it was over he had enough of me and of course changed marriage history. Some truths be told but not reason to leave. He became night and day. Do I handle this DB/DR to my situation any differently knowing this? I wish I had known about this site so much sooner! He says he tried everything and put more into the marriage than I did. But gave me all the IDLYAM and we need to move on the M is over, etc. confused of course??? And the OW who met his emotional needs as he decided to end the marriage which turned into full relationship while we were apart for 6 months. I was trying to work on saving marriage instead he was done and starting a new R but never told anyone about her until 3 months after divorce was final. All this while so much happening in our family with daughters accident and recovery and son graduating high school moving on to college. It never occurred to him thar his family would suffer so much loss. We could never get through to him. He was adamit about his decision.
M: 49 H: 49 S23 D24 (disabled from car accident 6 yrs ago) M: 21yrs BD: 1 month after D home from hospital (after 6 months) D: 3/11/11 Moved: 10/11/11 to FL for SCI recovery X: engaged w/OW
Oh geese...just feeling so hopeless right now. I read the post on "what NOT to do to WAS"....I've done everyone of them and have since he wanted out. I just don't know where to start to change his opinion of me.i feel like he hates me and wants nothing more than to be totally detached yet because of our daughter I'm an intrusion for him. Everything about me is a disease to him and he's moved on and in another R which he expressly mentions. I'm just really confused and still very much in love with him.
M: 49 H: 49 S23 D24 (disabled from car accident 6 yrs ago) M: 21yrs BD: 1 month after D home from hospital (after 6 months) D: 3/11/11 Moved: 10/11/11 to FL for SCI recovery X: engaged w/OW
Currently, your h hates everyone and everything. He's miserable and very unhappy w/his life. There is nothing you can do but give him plenty of space and time to work things out for himself. You didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him.
While he's stewing in his unhappiness pot, you are to keep the focus on you as much as possible. Do things for yourself, finish up hobbies and projects that you've started and haven't completed, etc. Be sure to read all of the threads that Cadet has posted to help you along.
Also, please watch your finances and assets. Your h may very well begin spending money like it's water and leave you holding the bag on bills.
Any changes that you make for yourself, should be for yourself and not your husband. It's not your job to pretzel into someone that he thinks you should be. Also, any changes you make, must become permanent and not to be used only to get his attention and get him back. You have to be happy w/your own changes...okay?
Why not set up some goals for the next couple of weeks and work on them. That should keep your focused on something other than your husband.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am divorced now going into my 3rd year. That's the problem. He has no reason to ever see me or be a part of "my" life ever again, except for our kids D21 & S20. There will still be those life family events such as graduation and marriages etc., but I cannot be best friends. I love him still and while he is with OW I can't act as if we're friends and that our 25 year history was rewritten by him. It hurts too much. That's my boundary. I will be cordial and nice and show him that I GAL without him. I will do my DB/DR as much as I can and have focused on GAL and PMA and doing my 180. I will be the X everyone says how could he have left! My 3 main goals at this point are: 1. When he comes to visit daughter at end of May, I will have been doing my weight watchers and lost at least 10-15 lbs. 2. I will be running at least 3x a week at "6am". A 180 for me since I am a night owl. 3. I will have started to paint again and be working on a new painting bringing my creative talent to the forefront of my PMA. I put painting aside for many years while raising family. It makes me feel good to let my creative out!
M: 49 H: 49 S23 D24 (disabled from car accident 6 yrs ago) M: 21yrs BD: 1 month after D home from hospital (after 6 months) D: 3/11/11 Moved: 10/11/11 to FL for SCI recovery X: engaged w/OW
I understand your boundary and you have to be civil to him because of the children you share. It's unfortunate he's still an angry man, but it could very well be because life didn't turn out the way he thought it would. You've gone on w/your life and have found a way to be happy again. He's still stuck in a rut and miserable and he wants you to be that way too. It's very sad.
Your goals sound like good ones. But please make sure you are doing them for you and not him. Keep your expectations at zero at all times, especially when he's around you. Whatever you do, do not take the bait or drink the kool aid that he may serve up when he's around you. Do not give him any justification for why he walked out the door and you know what, just by being your beautiful self is enough to make him stew in his mlc pot because you are successful. Leave him out there to swing in the wind. I hate to say this, but he might be one of those mlcers that never grows up and stays an angry, bitter man for the rest of his life. Just think, the ow now has the used old man and you, on the other hand, had the best years of his life.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
