First Post--2d troubled marriage

[Cadet]

You need to lower your expectations.

If you do get back together again with her it will be after you have let go.

Not while you are still holding on.

[2X Divorcee?]

true that...

[2X Divorcee?]

Cadet,

Looking back at your post in my thread about not taking stock in IC's for marriage counseling and MCs not getting it either. Can you explain what you see as the diff in IC's, MCs and DB coaches? Are you saying the difference is in meeting IC alone vs meeting MC with your S? Or are you talking about their training? MWD clearly supports meeting with IC and pro-marriage MC's. So that would be another spot of contradicting advice I need to work out on my own. More info please.

2x

[2X Divorcee?]

Along the lines of adjusting my expectations, I am going to conclude that this is some sort of MLC. Despite some of my downfalls and the seperation which is a source of frustration, I surmise the WAS scenario would usually take place after more time together. While I know this thought is focused on my stbxw, it helps me to frame what I'm up against and to know that the odds are against us. I agree. Expectations need to be adjusted.

[Cadet]

I was talking about meeting with my spouse for MC.

My W was never willing to really work on the marriage but needed the MC to validate that she could divorce.
She was told by the MC and in IC that she was depressed and she chose to ignore that advice and instead blame me for her depression.

In my case I do not believe anyone could have changed her mind.

A DB coaching session is probably the best use of your time and money. MC when both parties want to work on the marriage might be fine.

However most of the MC I have heard of, (not DB coaches) have no clue how to really save a marriage.

So much of what needs to be done is so counterintuitive that most logical people dont understand it.

I dont really understand why MC do not recieve training in this.

As far as whether it is MLC or not, that is for you to decide.
Maybe she was in MLC when you two met, second marriage for both of you. So the question is, how do you move forward from here?

[Cadet]

Oh just for my own curiosity what brach of service are you in?

Thank you for your service too!

[2X Divorcee?]

Ok, understand...and I've basically decided to us the DB coach and not the IC any more.

the thought of an unresolved MLC before we met has crossed my mind. Certainly a concern. My way ahead is no different. Detach, GAL, lower expectations but keep the roads back open. If/when we do talk, validate, don't judge, keep it matter of fact, no emotions and no convincing arguments....nobody should be trying to "win" any points here.

I'm in the AF...so is W.

[Cadet]

I'm in the AF...so is W.

Oh cool, guess where I was a cadet!

[2X Divorcee?]

The Zoo?! I paid for my harrassment in S. Carolina. A true sadist.

[Cadet]

Yup that is where I went

There was a guy here who saved his marriage.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...497#Post1604497

He went to the same school as you.

I think he is a little older than you by 2 or 3 years.