As for what you should be doing - stuff that might have him wondering what he's missing. (The opposite of what you seem to be doing from your last message) Instead of wondering about him and his motives/emotions - you can only control and understand your own! Get out to see friends, maybe even book a trip - a girl getaway!
At the 4/5 month mark, my work-life seemed to be in a tailspin. H was very supportive, he sent me a message after learning I hadn't got a promotion I'd been "promised", was not pursuing at all - it was like he would be OK if I moved away. (And he admits now that part of him was hoping I would, to make the separation easier to deal with). That support had me starting to think...
MandyRwaw, I'm new here, not yet sure of the culture, so I hope my posting on your situation isn't inappropriate. I just wanted to thank you so very much for telling your story. I'm still reading...but I wanted to know that it has been very uplifting...to hear from a real waw that things can change for you with time and clarity. It gives me hope, and I thank you!
Hi Mandy... I guess what I am trying to understand is why say *maybe*, but not follow through with it. My h says it too, he even says *maybe* we can have pizza/movie night... but never asks, even tho he is desperately lonely. Why would he even bother to say this? and all the stuff about "IF" we get back together, blah blah blah. And, the fact that he says he fears we would go back to our old ways. Why say all this stuff and not even give it a try?... can you understand this? (you said it too).
I do go out with friends as often as I can...
At 4/5 months was h "hopeful" for reconcilliation? you mentioned he was a mess, and I wonder how long he was like that? At 4/5 months were you still thinking of moving on without your h, or were you ever re-considering things with him... remember, you did say *maybe*
Tx Mandy... it means alot that you are willing to share. I feel for you that your ready for your M and h is now questioning things. You must be feeling awful, and here I am picking your head for my benefit. sorry
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Waiting, this thread is about Mandy's sitch, she reads your thread so please focus on your sitch in your thread instead of hers and let her reply to you there.
And be very careful about seeking answers on what your H is thinking from others. Every sitch is unique and every WAS is unique. There are some common script moves, but no matter how many people you ask you will never, ever be able to rationally explain what any one WAS is thinking or doing. Often they don't even know themselves.
I agree AS, but trying to understand what the *maybe* was for Mandy. Why they think this.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Totally agree with AS - my sitch isn't going to necessarily mirror yours. And my "maybe" explanation is mine, it may have no connection at all to how your H is feeling.
I couldn't have told you what was going on in my head a year ago - and now, well, my explanation is just my perspective.
I asked a very close friend soon after my H and I first reconnected if she'd be surprised if I told her I was having second thoughts...she said "what took you so long?" - for a long time, I was mad at her for not saying what she was thinking - but now I realize I wouldn't have heard her and even if I had, I may have ignored her - completely.
It took my H about 3 months to pull himself together, from that point we didn't communicate at all. At one point, about 4-5 months in, I was sure he had no interest in me or us anymore - hence my consideration for moving halfway across the country.
At 2, 4 even 6 months in (and sometimes even today) I believed it was too soon to try again. In my head, I was thinking we'd run into each other a year or two down the road - not months! That in time we would be able to move past our issues and we would possibly reconnect.
Wow Mandy... that's a long time, a year or two...really! Still curious as to why you said *maybe*. Lemme ask... did you ever miss and long for him? I am sooo lonely for my h, and I see him pretty much every day! I just don't understand how he is able to do this.
You mentioned even sometimes today, you have doubts if too soon... How are things going in your sitch now? Does h's reading co-d seem to be helping him? I am reading it too.
Tx Mandy... your words mean alot & inspire me.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Yeah, we're almost at a year and a half of living apart...it's been quite the experience. It was ~8 months ago, the day after a night of talking that ended with a kiss, that I told him that I wanted to work on our M.
Yes, I missed my H but I didn't see him every day. (I think I saw him once in 6 months.) That certainly did help me to keep things in perspective...And when I started to miss him, I was afraid it was for the wrong reasons (being lonely, sad and missing our friendship).
Yes, sometimes today I still wonder if he needs more time...He has doubt and fear, will he ever be able to trust me again. He's worried that my words now are fake and I'm not being genuine, because he still can hear the words I said as I was leaving, it's still so fresh in his mind, not sure if time would help him with that...that's why I wonder if it's too soon. Not for me, but for him
As for how things are going now - he goes from wanting to buy a place together to not being sure if he can trust me - in the same day! So I'm trying to give him space to figure it out. I am supportive of the moving in together, but want him to do it for the right reasons...
We went to visit a home last weekend and we drove around looking at others, it was a lot of fun. I think there is progress...I feel that he's starting to have feelings again - but if so, he doesn't share them with me.
