Quote: I really prefer to cook for him -- except for grilling because it takes a Y chromosome to fully understand the subtleties of raw meat on an open flame
At last, a woman admits she's inferior at something....
At last, a woman admits she's inferior at something....
Funny that. In the country in which I live, outdoor barbeques are the thing all summer, and I constantly have to put up with the smell of what seems like a charnel house wafting in through the window, and have eaten the most apalling burned spare ribs -flakes of charcoal adhering to bone - YUM!
Maybe the Y chromosome in American males is different???
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I too know of a few men who shouldn't bother grilling. I was once very enthusiastic about learning, but found that men find the idea of me grilling even more threatening than the fact that I change my own oil. How to grill is a more closely guarded secret too.
Just talked to H. He said some women probably do grill out. Wow! I'm not so sure though, because that would be at least as well publicized as the first female Supreme Court Justice or first woman in space. --z
Hey all. Another argument with H last night. That man really knows how to set me free. We were getting ready for bed when he asked me about whether or not I did something in the way that he asks things as though he doubts I've done it and it's clearly a bad thing that I haven't. I said I couldn't remember specifically, and asked if he wanted me to do it. He deflected. I asked again. He deflected. Now I knew that he was probably feeling like he was on the edge of being insulting, so I reassured him that if he did want me to and he answered my question then I would probably hop right up and do it. He said he didn't want to tell me what to do. Of course I didn't tell him to boss me around, I asked him what he wanted. I clarified this (more times than I should have needed to). He kept deflecting. The more he deflected the more he hinted that he did want me to do this thing, but was NOT going to say so directly.
I was about to give up, like I always do, but then he said something about "Remember what the counselor said." I must have said something that deserved that kind of a response, but I turned it on it's head. I said, "Yes, she told me not to let you get away with not answering my questions." She did say that in a nicer way; and I'll be that H heard it completely differently than me. I asked him if he would just answer my question. His response was to raise his eyebrows and smiled expectantly at me. I insisted that he answer my question. He said, "If it were me, I would do it." I pointed out that he had still not answered a direct question directly. His answer started with "You know, it's just that..." I was out of bed right then. I'd had it.
I told him that I did not want to have these kinds of conversations. This was a dead end road that we'd been down a hundred times. It always ended with the two of us not talking to each other; and I don't want my life to be that way. No response. So I went on to told him that I don't want to go back to the way things were. I don't want to do this for another year or a minute, or two days or weeks or months. I'm over it. He smirked his superior little smirk that he always gives me when I lose my temper. Nothing screams "I don't care" like silent stonewalling. That was helpful... NOT.
I walked out of the room, BUT it was eleven o'clock at night; and I needed to go to sleep. H says that I escalate every argument to divorce status, which is interesting, because I've never filed for D and regardless of what he says he had a choice about leaving me in the first place. During arguments I often get sick of beating my head against the wall, and don't want to see him. Since he left and filed, I certainly have every justification to call into question our ability to work things out. I'm at the point where we fish or cut bait. He seems to think this is cruel of me... no more cruel than him leaving, because he couldn't stand it anymore.
A few minutes later, I walked past the bedroom and said, "You're still here?" He asked me if I was throwing him out again. I told him that I never threw him out, and I never would. The choice was still the same. He can go or stay and do the work. He said I was trying to control him. I said, "Yeah, that's right. I'm in control of everything." I went into the kitchen to sit in the dark with the dogs.
It didn't take long before he came to get me. He guided me toward the bedroom door and said, "Look." He pointed at the empty bed. "You got your way." I still don't understand the point of this exercise, and asked him then what he meant. He said, "I'm not there anymore. I'm out here." I wanted to hit him, because I could just see it coming back on me later. BUT I decided that in some twisted way he must have been trying to call a truce. I just said, "I don't get it." Then he said something that was almost (not quite) a direct request for me to do the thing he wanted me to do, so I went and did it. He said, "Thank you."
We got back into bed and had a long talk about it... and about using our "I feel" statements. He finally said that he felt like he was being set up when I asked him directly... as though there wasn't going to be a right answer. Now, admittedly, I am just the kind of person who would do that. What my H still doesn't see is that he imagines some of that too. (His B is just the same way about not giving direct answers, which drives H up the wall.) Anyway, I told him that I wasn't setting him up and that I am making an effort not to set him up or to take it personally when I don't like his answer. I said, "It's hard. It's hard to change old habits. It's hard to let go of old hurts, but I'm trying." He said, "I know." I gave him some credit for trying too, but told him that he's so closed up it's hard to tell if that's the case or not. He doesn't let much out. His response was to nod. (LOL!)
After that I talked to him about the potato disagreement of the day before. I told him that I hadn't been happy about how that went and I was pretty sure I hadn't been clear on what I was thinking. I did feel like I was having to explain myself, which made me defensive and that made him defensive, which made me more defensive. It wasn't cool. Really, I was distracted by something else, I didn't have the time to be helping him, and I didn't have the time to fix his problem; though it probably came across that I was mad at him when I was just frustrated by the situation. He said that he would have just taken care of the potatoes himself if I'd asked. I acknowledged that he was right that I should have asked, and told him that I had really WANTED to help him. In the end, I explained that I hadn't really been annoyed at him, because he hadn't done anything wrong. He was glad.
Quote: We were getting ready for bed when he asked me about whether or not I did something in the way that he asks things as though he doubts I've done it and it's clearly a bad thing that I haven't.
I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but burst out laughing when I read that.
The good thing is that you and your H are talking and when these misunderstandings-assumptions-disagreements happen, you talk about them. Yes, it may be difficult right now because it sounds like this type of convo is new territory for you both.
Eventually, though, you will start to "connect" in ways where these will be easier to bear and you will have regained that trust in each other. It will come to a point when these instances are all "small potatoes" and you realize that you both have something much more important in the big picture: each other.
I think your H is trying to work on the M but it may not be at the same pace as you. If he's there, it's because he still believes that things can get better. Try to establish a pace with him that you both feel comfortable with. It does take hard work but it also takes time. Some of the wounds you have may still run deep and you obviously want those to heal quickly. But it is better to have them heal properly by establishing communication boundaries that you are both comfortable with.
You're doing good z. These things are bound to happen where the dynamics of the R are being adjusted. Just take your time. The right formula will eventually come along.
Hacker, Oh, I know you're absolutely right. It would all work out in the end IF I were a patient person. The sad part about this is that I'm about done with trying, just as he's getting started. Of course he's not tired of this... he spent almost a year on sabatical from the whole R, before he jumped back into the fray. [sigh] At least we make up with one another now. That's always fun.
I read your thread today, and all I can say is "Hmmmm... very interesting." Not much you can do about what she plans on saying or on her motivations. Probably best not to think about it for now. Let's hope that she only puts a wrench in things if she really means it. Take care. --z
Another weekend gone... no real change. We had dinner with friends on Friday night. Saturday we had breakfast and went to the C. I told H that I wasn't looking forward to it. I asked him if he'd hold my hand during the session, if he wanted to. He seemed to think that was a nice idea, but then he didn't until about half-way through. I always make a point of touching him on the shoulder, regardless of what he's saying. I think that's a nice reminder for both of us of why we're there. C seemed to think we were doing pretty good. I think she's ready to graduate us to some new concept. We'll see next month. After that we went home and did our taxes. H was all worried that his tax sitch was going to cost me money, so he wanted to do the return however I would get the most money back, and he wanted me to keep it all. I was more interested in havaing it be about "our" taxes and not his or mine, so I kept delaying the decision. He told me that he thought I was stalling on purpose; and I said, "So what if I am as long as I get my way." He wasn't amused, but he let us defer the decision. Turned out that although I had paid all of the taxes last year, he brought a deduction to the table that more than doubled our return. He asked me what I wanted to do, and I told him that I'd rather split it with him 50/50 than try to figure out who deserved what money. So we split it.
I never noticed before, but H and I seem to get the same thrill out of doing these financial things. We turned a three hour tax return into two days of number crunching just because we both wanted to understand every part of it. We kept switching places to play with the tax software. H did most of it anyway, while I cleaned out my file cabinets, washed the laundry, changed the sheets, and bathed the dogs. We were both pretty exhausted by the end of the weekend.
We went out Sunday evening to get cappucinos and read the newspaper. The weather was beautiful and it was nice to get out of the house.
This weekend I asked H if he was ever going to live with me again, then realized I'd asked him that a few weeks ago. So I quickly said, "Oh, I already asked you that and you said you didn't know." He sighed and shook his head, "I'm f##ed up." I gave him a quick hug and made a joke about it. In retrospect, I should have asked him what the heck that means. Oh well, I'll probably ask him in a few weeks anyway.
[sigh] If y'all think you're bored with my sitch, try living it. Actually, it's kind of exciting to see things getting better between my H and I. I'd say that we're already getting along better than at about any point in our entire marriage. We actually have inside jokes and make an effort to spend time together.
Last night H was installing some stuff on my computer and it felt a little like old times...yuck. I asked him what he meant about being "all f##ed up" the other day. I was kind of a pest about it for a few minutes, but the best answer I got was "I don't know." I told him that wasn't a very good answer. We kept the convo pretty light, but it would be fair to call it strained.
After that I announced that I wanted attention. He smiled and kept working on the computer. I sat on his lap and he said, "I can't finish this install with someone on my lap." I said, "I'd really like to help you with this problem. Have you tried bug spray?" He laughed. Eventually I left him alone and went to bed to read.
Last night I surprised him in the middle of the night. I woke him up about 3:00 a.m. to ML. A new record of ML three times in one week. Woo hoo! He was in a pretty good mood this morning.
WARNING: The following is not for the feint of heart. It's yucky female stuff.
Unfortunately today I had a talk with by obgyn's assistant. He was trying to treat the vaginal dryness as a yeast infection. I wasn't itchy before the treatment, but now I am. Ugh. ML isn't painful for me anymore, but H says I'm still pretty dry. So now obgyn is switching me to some kind of estrogen cream. Blech! The really bad news is that I had another pap smear come back abnormal, which means I get to have another biopsy. My last biopsy came back clean, but the experience is not one I want to repeat. I'm actually weighing the risk of dying of cancer against having to endure that again.
I called H about it. He was very sympathetic and gave me the "chin up" talk. At least that was nice.
--z