Carry On

[labug]

Thanks everyone for the kind, loving thoughts.

When I titled this thread Carry On, I didn't know it would have so much meaning to me.

It's been a difficult couple of weeks but that's to be expected. What wasn't really expected was how much I would miss H and it's stirred up some feelings. As my friend said "it stirred the sh!t pot."

This is the first loss since the BD and H has been with me through a lot of loss. He was always the rock and I always needed that. But he did provide some of that in a way. He sent an email and started by saying he hoped I was OK. He then went on to give me some suggestions about handling some of the loose ends of my brother's life. He prefaced it by saying, "I wanted to share them at the risk of seeming insensitive, I'm not."

I thanked him and said I know he's not insensitive, but rather pragmatic and I appreciated his suggestions. This was a loss for him too. My brother and he always got along well and they had been in each other's lives for a long time.

I was able to get through the time back home without trying to fix anyone or anything. I was triggered on several occasions but just took some breaths and did a little self-check "Whose problem is this?"

I did some amends with my younger brother and apologized for some hurtful things I had said and done around the time of our mother's final illness. We both were hurting and lashed out angrily at each other. I have forgiven him and I apologized for me without expectation. That was a load I've been carrying and it felt freeing to let it go.

So I've been slowly getting to a more normal place. Our block party was last night and I was one of the organizers. We had a good time. It was interesting to see S20 taking over his Dad's role a bit by cooking the burgers and hot dogs and helping with the cleanup after. I was proud of him and let him know it.

Today my work has an event for the families we serve which is held at the zoo. These events are always fun and we get lots of positive strokes for the work we do. I used to reject those offerings because it made me uncomfortable but now I allow myself to absorb them all. I leave with that love tank filled.

One day at a time, right?