For them, it is not a crises, it is an awakening, and they feel like they are finally on the correct path. Everything in their past means nothing to them, including us. We only remind them of their life they see as a failure.
When we understand this it helps us to be compassionate towards them, and not take their rejection of us so personally. It really is about them, not us.
This is the greatest pain that you and I have likely faced in our life, but know that theirs is even worse!
Yes, how did I miss this! This is so insightful, so on-target, so calming!
It helps to build compassion to know that our spouses aren't purposefully trying to hurt us. That's just a by-product. They are trying to grow....be the best they can be.
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
The class has been going as well or even better than I had ever hoped! I have 10 students, and have held two sessions so far. Everyone is very excited about it... lots of positive comments. Even people not in the class are coming up to me and commenting about it. This has really helped to build my self esteem, which actually wasn't doing all that bad to begin with.
So ^^^^^ I would think understanding your W's crisis through her eyes has helped you have the compassion you need to be a loving LBS and also helped your self-esteem not be crushed.
You're doing a great job, FY, and I'm so glad there is good interest in the TKD!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Thanks T. You know what they say, give a thousand monkeys a thousand typewriters and a thousand years... lol
Yesterday W and I had more interaction than we've had in quite a while. We went out for lunch together, (not unusual) and talked quite a bit, which is unusual. She went to a work party the night before, and told me all about it, and showed me a couple of pics on her iPad. She joked about how one of the ladies recently had her belly button pierced, and how it was such a MLC thing! (her words!)
She was planning to go to a 50th birthday party for one of the ladies she works with later that night. The party was going to be at J's house, a gay male in his late forties. W has worked with him for 20 years and they get along well. He has a very nice home (I've been there) and sometimes rents out a room to help cover his bills. Anyway, W was telling me about the new roommate he has, a married man from the next state over who stays the week for work, and then goes home to his W and kids on the weekends. I asked how much J charges him for rent, and she told me and explained what all is included. She said it was a really good deal, and then joked that maybe J would take her in! We both laughed.
My buddy came over and I helped him with an assignment he's working on for school, and then we practiced our martial arts forms. When W came home from the party, we talked some more. Very open and lighthearted as she told me about her night out. Then she showered and went to "her" bed.
As I write she is in the kitchen making us breakfast. Later, we will visit her Dad and see how he's doing, probably stop out afterwards for a errand or two, and lunch. Gosh I love my girl.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Seriously, I do believe being content/happy with ourselves and our life is key to dealing with the rejection of our MLC'er. Do what you need to do to make this happen y'all!
I think it's the key to living a good life no matter the circumstances.
It just takes some of us (me) longer to figure that out.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
"For them, it is not a crises, it is an awakening, and they feel like they are finally on the correct path. Everything in their past means nothing to them, including us. We only remind them of their life they see as a failure.
When we understand this it helps us to be compassionate towards them, and not take their rejection of us so personally. It really is about them, not us.
This is the greatest pain that you and I have likely faced in our life, but know that theirs is even worse!"
^^^^^^^Wish i had read this before my last post. Thanks FY
Wife has a 4 night, all inclusive resort trip to Cancun booked with single GF. $260 each, EVERYTHING included. Nice job perk to have, they leave a week from Sunday. Years back she used to sometimes talk about quitting her job because of all the stress. Now she says it's one of the only things she feels that she has that keeps her going.
It's been over 2 years since we've done one of these trips together, but she's planning one for our 30th anniversary in June! Considering how badly she wanted to run away last year, I'm pretty sure this is progress. I wonder if I'll get lucky?
Last nights conversation, after W came home from running:
M: I'm really proud of you, keeping up with the running. Over a year now, and you've kept the weight off and everything.
W: I said this was my last chance to get this right. (get in shape, and avoid ending up in the bedridden situation her Mom was in) Either that or put a bullit in my head, and I'm not going to do that.
M: Well, I'm really proud of you and think you're doing great.
She has a problem accepting compliments, there's always an excuse as to why the complimented behavior just wasn't good enough. I don't go over board with WOA. I pretty much give her space and allow her to do her own thing, as this is what she wants/needs right now. When I do see something that really impresses me, only then do I say something. I really hope she eventually gets to a place where she can accept compliments, and herself.
I took the day off work today, and will be working on my new project bicycle, (which I am REALLY excited about) among other things around the home. Bust On, y'all!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
How exciting that W is planning a trip like that for your 30th! I'm sure it will help your feelings during the time she is away for the trip this next week.
It sounds like you've done such a great job of detaching, working on yourself, but leaving the door open for her to come home emotionally. I hope that is soon
Good job!
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
Gosh I love my girl.
Sweet ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ !!!!!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Base on the post that he made at 1AM my time I would say no he is still on moderation.
Sorry FY, I went through 50 of your posts and could not figure it out either.
Yep, off moderation. (again)
Cadet: Thanks for checking. It's nice to hear that someone with your experience on the board couldn't see an infraction either. Being put on double secret moderation is almost as bad as bomb drop... It hurts! Especially when you thought you were doing good and helping people DB.
I spent a good part of the day at an event called "Love (name of my town) Day", where "families who find it hard to make ends meet can get free groceries, clothing, medical and legal services and much more".
It is sponsored by several local churches, and run by volunteers. I was one of the technicians working the bike repair booth. It was intensive and nonstop action. I am an expert in this area, and the other techs were very appreciative of my contribution, which boosted my self esteem. It was tiring work, but I felt good afterwards.
My most touching repair was done for a young girl with disabilities, who asked if I could adjust the brakes on her walker. I dropped the bike I was working on and after several minutes watched her smile when setting her brakes, which previously did not work at all! All I can say is Wow!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
