Hey all. Another argument with H last night. That man really knows how to set me free. We were getting ready for bed when he asked me about whether or not I did something in the way that he asks things as though he doubts I've done it and it's clearly a bad thing that I haven't. I said I couldn't remember specifically, and asked if he wanted me to do it. He deflected. I asked again. He deflected. Now I knew that he was probably feeling like he was on the edge of being insulting, so I reassured him that if he did want me to and he answered my question then I would probably hop right up and do it. He said he didn't want to tell me what to do. Of course I didn't tell him to boss me around, I asked him what he wanted. I clarified this (more times than I should have needed to). He kept deflecting. The more he deflected the more he hinted that he did want me to do this thing, but was NOT going to say so directly.
I was about to give up, like I always do, but then he said something about "Remember what the counselor said." I must have said something that deserved that kind of a response, but I turned it on it's head. I said, "Yes, she told me not to let you get away with not answering my questions." She did say that in a nicer way; and I'll be that H heard it completely differently than me. I asked him if he would just answer my question. His response was to raise his eyebrows and smiled expectantly at me. I insisted that he answer my question. He said, "If it were me, I would do it." I pointed out that he had still not answered a direct question directly. His answer started with "You know, it's just that..." I was out of bed right then. I'd had it.
I told him that I did not want to have these kinds of conversations. This was a dead end road that we'd been down a hundred times. It always ended with the two of us not talking to each other; and I don't want my life to be that way. No response. So I went on to told him that I don't want to go back to the way things were. I don't want to do this for another year or a minute, or two days or weeks or months. I'm over it. He smirked his superior little smirk that he always gives me when I lose my temper. Nothing screams "I don't care" like silent stonewalling. That was helpful... NOT.
I walked out of the room, BUT it was eleven o'clock at night; and I needed to go to sleep. H says that I escalate every argument to divorce status, which is interesting, because I've never filed for D and regardless of what he says he had a choice about leaving me in the first place. During arguments I often get sick of beating my head against the wall, and don't want to see him. Since he left and filed, I certainly have every justification to call into question our ability to work things out. I'm at the point where we fish or cut bait. He seems to think this is cruel of me... no more cruel than him leaving, because he couldn't stand it anymore.
A few minutes later, I walked past the bedroom and said, "You're still here?" He asked me if I was throwing him out again. I told him that I never threw him out, and I never would. The choice was still the same. He can go or stay and do the work. He said I was trying to control him. I said, "Yeah, that's right. I'm in control of everything." I went into the kitchen to sit in the dark with the dogs.
It didn't take long before he came to get me. He guided me toward the bedroom door and said, "Look." He pointed at the empty bed. "You got your way." I still don't understand the point of this exercise, and asked him then what he meant. He said, "I'm not there anymore. I'm out here." I wanted to hit him, because I could just see it coming back on me later. BUT I decided that in some twisted way he must have been trying to call a truce. I just said, "I don't get it." Then he said something that was almost (not quite) a direct request for me to do the thing he wanted me to do, so I went and did it. He said, "Thank you."
We got back into bed and had a long talk about it... and about using our "I feel" statements. He finally said that he felt like he was being set up when I asked him directly... as though there wasn't going to be a right answer. Now, admittedly, I am just the kind of person who would do that. What my H still doesn't see is that he imagines some of that too. (His B is just the same way about not giving direct answers, which drives H up the wall.) Anyway, I told him that I wasn't setting him up and that I am making an effort not to set him up or to take it personally when I don't like his answer. I said, "It's hard. It's hard to change old habits. It's hard to let go of old hurts, but I'm trying." He said, "I know." I gave him some credit for trying too, but told him that he's so closed up it's hard to tell if that's the case or not. He doesn't let much out. His response was to nod. (LOL!)
After that I talked to him about the potato disagreement of the day before. I told him that I hadn't been happy about how that went and I was pretty sure I hadn't been clear on what I was thinking. I did feel like I was having to explain myself, which made me defensive and that made him defensive, which made me more defensive. It wasn't cool. Really, I was distracted by something else, I didn't have the time to be helping him, and I didn't have the time to fix his problem; though it probably came across that I was mad at him when I was just frustrated by the situation. He said that he would have just taken care of the potatoes himself if I'd asked. I acknowledged that he was right that I should have asked, and told him that I had really WANTED to help him. In the end, I explained that I hadn't really been annoyed at him, because he hadn't done anything wrong. He was glad.
