first time & need help still

[nero]

hi dwn - tnx for reply- spinning in anger at moment - yay me

Ask him point blank, why do you come up here to NJ, why? If he says it's for you, say WHY? I would make him (after all this time) admit to something, make him say what he want's from you!

I have and do say just that stuff - he says "I enjoy your company and I want to see you". i always just can't think of anything to say other than "f you" - so i just say do what you want - you own half and i can't stop you.

beyond that- i swear - what does one say other than (just stop & it's over - allllll over and go kll yourslef you make me sick and you should make yourself sick too)

Your guy having had a side-kick all this time, well, I think it suxs and it shows he needed a parachute throughout your R, why? Why did he not commit to you, maybe it was mutual, or did you go with his flow, did you ask to M, these are things for you to think about.

you know- he had big issues with commi5ment - but i do too (not quite as badly- but felt quite trapped and not-so-happy in my first marriage. something about the finality of it all- "is this all there is ever going to be in my life- if so, why bother". so i brought some baggage too.

when we chatted about marriage - i said i would give it a whirl- i wouldn't mind being married. he's always ben too afraid - i never thought it mattered (love & commitment wise) at the end of the day. it was merely a legal arrangement. (too many years in law office for both of us.

that being said tho- i was as committed as marriage - totaly loyalty til death do us part. he knew that. he lied to me plain and simple . maybe he really does have issues about committing because of his parents- maybe he's such a giant jerk and liar he just used me and i was making it very easy because of the person i am. too late now to second guess my liberal and trusting personality now.

i pretty much accept people for what and who they tell me they are- i never ever ever suspected he was lying ever. too trusting (aka stupid) on my part. i never DEMANDED it because i agreed that it was no guarantee- it's undoable always if you want it to be. it's inconvenient tho!. i was too niave i guess - like, what? forever....

I do go along with it, but inside when he speaks to me I am screaming, GET THE F**** OUT OF MY LIFE YOU F*** CRAZY MAN, I'M SO SICK OF YOUR FACE! That is for NOT-H! If my H is somewhere in there still hoping I will L him or keep up the good fight, then so be it

me too - i go along - but wonder if i can any more. i feel the same- screaming inside - remaining calm and as if on outside- not so good for the inner us is it?

i can't act like "it's not there. him & ow. i can't talk to him- hear his voice - he knows it- i just hung up last time he said he was "going out of town" . he acts like i am okay with it- like he reports to me what he's doing- like it's going to EVER be a part of my life. like - i wonder if he really does have a brain tumor preventing him from being normal. what normal man can do this to another human being?

honestly- i don't know what i want to happen here. i like nj- have friends, fam. a life of sorts - possibly job . i have same in fla and could live there- but i'd prefer to do both and go to both places & us be together all the time. apparently we can't be apart or he's a cheating jacka$$ - where does that leave me and what would i even "demand" were i going to demand something.

i want to demand he stop being a liar- is it even possible?

i want to demand that he be in love like mad like olden days and treat me like it- is that even possible? no, it's got to happen on it's own - can't make it

i would stake my life on him believeing rite now he'll never marry anyone. maybe it's true- he's soooo damn afraid of sharing his life, self, money, whatever the heck it is he's thinking he's got that is soooo special . i can't fathom it- i can share everything i have, am and am likely to get.

SO it's easier to say "Im sick of being stuck w/this family" because we remind him of his failures, rather than face life and move forward (weak a$$ SOB can't do that).

Weak men don't take control and grow up,

i agree - i remind him of his age & limitations and throw in his inability to get it up (guilt i am certain) it seems hopeless today and maybe forever. maybe he never was man i thought at all - he's a weak a$$ also- crawl back into his glory days of tennis & young attorney on way up- with cow of a secretary) i could vomit (alot when i think about this) no other response to have to such lame behavior and pathetic-ness. it is pathetic - he is pathetic -

Don't you regret asking my opinion now, lol? Can you talk to him like a friend on the couch one on one, no anger, just showing him your strength and intelligence?

nope - i don't regret it at all. it's interesting - i'm not sure we can talk. i'd like to- get some stinking bottom line- then i think of mwd saying don't talk about r, don't talk about l, DONT DONT DONT -

AND I hesitate to go there. so far- it's always turned into him being MAD AND GETTING really icky - talking and to behold. I DO NOT THINK he can do it- just talk to me. he is too "in his head" about it- and when it comes out it's soooo stupid and unreal- no kidding. his brain freezes and out comes childish junk. AS IN- NOTHING ACCOMPLISHED at all by it that is productive or good or even neutral.

so- i'm not sure. it still seems to me that the only 'TALK" WE CAN HAVE is me issuing ultimatum and saying what i think and am ready to do. he cannot seem to express a plan of action oranything . see- even your ranting h has something to "say" - this guy here- nothing - helloooo - anybody in there??? maybe not anymore...

i'll give it a whirl tho0 you're rite in what you say. i always said i was not a girl to share. period. i surprise myself that i'm here- but i'd never say to him it's all the junk i own and hate to even think of moving or selling or throwing out- and it's no good job at moment so can afford self (and of course - his $hitty attitude about making me pay for half of house (top dollar being the threat) to scare me about finances. it's no laughing matter for me- i've done really really poor- it's no fun at all.

anyway- lots of food for thought from you and thanks. i need to hear it- i can listen from you becasue you are there too- when you say you're screaming at not-h - i feel same. i am a person very very very bad at confrontation. i also have fear at moment in my life about too many important people disappearing. my problem i know- linda dying did anumber on me. sometimes it's more than i thought- like a twin dying- don't know how to explain it.

all my usual stuff- i'm going to reread this and re-comment later. neice from va showed up last nite by surprise- so i need to go visit before they leave town again-

what a crew- never know what the heck anyone is doing or may do but very nice to see her and baby-

thanks for thoughtful reply

bck later.

xxo (yeah- i know- last minute whim wams this @$$ returning wed- me feeling like f this