H & I went to our first MC session the following day. It was the first appointment and neither of us had met the MC. Couldn't have worked out more perfect, H said he wanted to avoid traffic and ended up being there an hour early. So he did all the paperwork, which meant (to MC) that he was the main "patient" and was grilled with the main questions at first. These questions were very revealing, especially in regards to H's drinking. H was very very open and honest. I had felt he was drinking too much when he left, especially for the past year he was home. MC asked if his drinking was different or better now, H says now he drinks because he wants to, not because he needs to. MC was very good and really dug with the questions. H continued to reply surprisingly openly. I was actually a little uncomfortable (internally) at the openness at one point. H hasn't been that open for a long time and I was glad we had someone there to guide the questions because I didn't know what to do.
MC asked about our communication, asked how, in the past, we resolved conflicts. We both kind of looked at each other and H said, 'we didn't. We didn't really have conflicts. ' Then the obvious question is, how did we end up here? This is where I said 'I usually got upset and griped about it & he retreated and then we moved on'. So obvious, but why didn't we notice this was a problem before? We thought we were good communicators because we did communicate regularly about the kids. But that's about it.
I have faith that this MC will help us at least restore some communication and hopefully lead us to some conclusions. MC asked me what I wanted to get out of sessions, I stated that I loved my H, wanted a R with him, want my family healed, want him to be happy, I want to be happy, etc. When H was asked that question he replied that he wanted to heal R with our daughters. Then MC asked him if he had made a decision about M and he replied 'I made a decision when I left'. MC asked me, after hearing H's goals for sessions, if I was still willing to participate since his goals were different than my own. I had to think about it for a second or two & check my reactions, but said that yes I wanted to continue. I love my daughters and H and a better R for them both would bring peace to our family. MC pointed out that a better R with us would help w/ H's goals too. MC asked if H's affair was over & I was very appreciative that MC also asked if H had started any other R's. H stated yes affair was over & no other Rs.
MC offered homework and said to read 5 LL book. I've already read it recently and it was profound. MC suggested H read book & think about dd's love languages. H texted me the next morning and said he'd ordered the book & it'll arrive in a couple days. I'm glad he's eager to start reading and of course I hope there's something he'll get out of there about our M. I don't see how one can read it without seeing how it affects their love relationship.
H initiated a really good, long hug after the session. He was also kind of funny and started randomly telling me about plans for this fall & then said 'I don't know why I just told you that'. I just laughed and said 'it's part of our new communication'. We have another appointment in two weeks.
All in all I am relieved, happy that we're going somewhere, even if it is towards the end. I'm really feeling that after devoting time to this process we'll be able to come to a mutual decision about the future. I acknowledge there will be many ups and downs before it's over.
I think the biggest surprise is that I feel super cautious after this initial appointment. Very weary. I think I thought I was fighting our R problems, fighting the OW, then DB my ass off, then really owning my part & that has added a new layer of humility to my journey. Then I finally get to another door in the maze and pry it open and there's H w/ his drinking. Truthfully, not what I expected. I knew it was an issue, but I think I saw the drinking as another symptom. Maybe not as THE issue. And I wish that MC or I had thought to ask (I may ask next time) H admitted to self-medicating and OW and the really general BAD place he was last summer & since - and THAT'S the mental state that he makes life changing decisions for our entire family in? And after all this time, he's sticking with those decisions?
I can totally say that I wouldn't have been able to control my reactions and be my best self through this process if I hadn't started DB. And I can see a future hopefully with but maybe without H and I know I'll be okay, and that's also because of DB. I still panic, almost daily, but I can see it when I'm doing it and control myself a lot better.
On the other hand, I sat with a friend yesterday all day while she was going through mediation for her divorce. And it was terrifying. I cried all the way home. I don't want that in my future.
I haven't heard from H today. He initiates nearly all texts. I know he's mentioned looking for an apartment in the same town as us (he lives 45 min away) and that seems final or good, either way it's a step towards him seeing kids more.
I don't really know what my next step is. Continue with DB and PMA, but some days it feels forced and unreal. Then I ask myself, do I want a R with someone I can't be real with? After the revelations in MC, it's been a lot easier to have no expectations. At his best, I want R with H no doubt. As he is, I don't know how it would work. My only reason for continuing is that I knew the true man H was for a lot of years and this isn't him. And he admits that he's not happy.
Only difference between now and before he left is that I understand I can't make him happy. Now we'll have to wait and see if he wants to do the work himself. I'll do what I can on my end, though, to 'keep the road home paved and smooth'.
