My WAW story

[JRG]

Thanks KD. Getting out is so important. I need to push myself to do more things.

W stopped by today unannounced to pick up the rest of her things. She asked some questions about my family visiting this past weekend. She hadn't asked very many questions about anything lately so it was nice that she showed some interest. She gave me a hug before she left. It didn't feel all that heartfelt though. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her and missed her. I kept it inside.

She now has taken everything from the house that she intended to take. Other than stopping by occasionally to get her mail, I won't be seeing her anymore I assume....that is until she (if she) files for D. I hope she doesn't rush it.

This morning was tough. I couldn't help but to cry at work when I was alone. I thought that my crying phase was over. It just reminds me of the time that it's going to take to get through all this.

[~ kd ~]

A few things to consider.

The two of you actually have a significant history of 13 years together. Even without kids and as you feel that there is nothing else to connect the two of you, she can not just "erase" your memory.

That said, there will also be the divorce process, if it goes there.

Finally, there are likely other people in both your lives who will remain connected to the both of you.

That said, hold your chin up because hope is not lost. There is still an opportunity to save your M, if that is what you would like to do.

You are going to have to man up and get to work on yourself. You need to look at yourself and consider how you can become an even better person than you already are, one that only a fool would leave. If it does not save your M, it will go a long way to helping you in future relationships.

With the history and possible external connections, your W could very well hear about your positive changes. Even more so, if she is involved with someone, she is likely to find out the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side. Affair Partners (APs) are generally "broken" people, if they are involved with someone who is married. No matter how bad the M is, generally people with good morals and ethics wait to get involved with someone who is already divorced.

So, what are you planning on working on, in yourself?

[JRG]

KD I really appreciate the words and advice. Thanks.

I am working on a few things. Over the last several years I've been too pessimistic and kind of a downer. I think it has mostly been related to stressful and unsatisfying work. Apparently I've been bringing this attitude home from work with me a little too often. My wife has said several times that she thinks that I've forgot how to have fun. I was beginning to believe her and I look back and don't like the person that I became.

I'm working to be more positive, to look at the good in things, to be more upbeat, to be more grateful for what I have, and to "relearn" how to have fun. I've been reading a lot about increasing self confidence and breaking out of my lifelong shyness. She's often been uncomfortable with me in social situations only because I was uncomfortable. I don't like that I had that effect on her. I'm also working to become a better friend to her by listening and being interested in her daily life. I think we lost that in recent years.

I believe that these are the root things that I need to improve.

I bought a new cell phone the other night and as I was setting up my contacts I accidently called her. When she answered I told her about the new phone and that I didn't intend to call her but she told me that she was wondering what I was doing anyway. We had a 15min conversation about random stuff going on in our lives. We both stayed upbeat and friendly throughout.

It was nice to learn that she was thinking of me though.

[azguy]

Hi JRG, Sorry to read of your sitch. KD's advice is spot on, and I'm encouraged to see you starting to work on yourself. You should not go dark. As long as you can interact without pursuing, this will be different than your R, and your chance to show changes you are working on.

Do you have more specific, short term goals to help you? What are you going to do this weekend to have some more fun? Keep us updated!

[JRG]

Well this weekend I plan to keep busy with some house things...paint one of the bedrooms, clean up, wash my car. I enjoy this kind of work as it makes me feel productive.

I do need to think of short term goals. I'm just not sure what they should focus on.

I am however looking to join some sort of club to meet new people. Something like a mountain biking club or caving club.

I find myself desperate for female interaction. I don't have any female friends or acquaintances that I can hang out with or talk with...not even at my job.

[JRG]

I've had some troubling thoughts the last two nights. Thoughts that if my wife did want to work on our M that I'm not 100% sure that I would. I've been thinking about all the things that our M was missing and the negatives that I see her. How my trust in her went from 100% to less than 10% now. I don't know if I'm subconsciously trying to protect myself for the worst case or if these are true feelings. Is this normal?

I also wonder if all my sad feelings from our separation is the result of the loss of my W in particular or the loss of our M and life together.

[~ kd ~]

JRG, you are going through a normal, emotional change that we all go through. All will eventually get better, regardless of whether your M is saved. Definitely, part of it is protecting yourself.

The LBS perspective gets clouded sometimes and we think that we are deciding not to R with our WAS. Yet... the reality is... that's not really our choice, at this time. Until and unless the WAS decides they want to come back to the M... they are continuing to choose out.

The question is... even if we decide out... does that mean we don't have to work on our issues, anymore? That we don't take this opportunity to grow in as many, positive ways as we can?

And yes, questioning what you actually miss... the M... or your W... is normal, as well...

Take the time you need to reflect on that. I suspect that for most LBS... the reality is a little of both...

[JRG]

Thanks KD. Your words always seems to soothe. And I agree that this opportunity to grow needs to be continued no matter what happens.

The W stopped by today to pick up her mail. I was busy painting the bedroom and she complimented the job that I was doing.

She didn't look all that great. She said that she gained a little weight from eating like crap (mostly eating fast food) and she had noticeable bags under her eyes. She said that she had to take a half day off work Friday just cause she needed to get away. She's also stressed about organizing her new apartment which she is finding to be a challenge given its small size. A female co-worker keeps bugging her to go out and do something with her but my W is realizing that she doesn't really like this person even though they've hung out in the past a few times. Overall she doesn't seem to be doing to well right now.

I kept positive and acted "as if" I was doing just fine. This morning I was feeling down but after seeing her I gained a little comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one struggling. I really don't like to see her having hard time but it's admittedly tough to be the only one hurting.

[JRG]

Oh yeah, while I was painting she told me that she could have helped (I was just about done with it when she came over). She then said that she could help me paint the other bedroom. I'm a little hesitant to allow her to help only because I kind of feel that she'd be using me just to have something to do (I really don't know her true intentions of course). On the other hand it could be an opportunity to spend some good time together...confused!!!

[~ kd ~]

The LBS generally goes through the "LBS diet" of being unable to eat and loosing plenty of weight. I've not heard about a WAS gaining weight, although the disrupted lifestyle certainly could lead to poor food choices. And, it is often described that the WAS can look "in rough shape". Good that you noticed that it is possibly due to her own stresses.

Unless you are going dark and if your "as if" is in good shape (along with your detaching), then it should be OK for her to help you with painting.

If you know when you are going to paint (not based on her availability; strictly on what you planned, without the knowledge that she said she'd help_, then certainly you can let her know when you plan on painting.

Just make sure that you DON'T EXPECT her to join you when you paint. She may appear to be really excited to help, and still not show.

What ever her reasons, even if it simply is "something to do" for her, is really irrelevant. Every opportunity to have a pleasant or comfortable interaction is an opportunity for them to question if things really were that bad, or that things could potentially be different and better, if there is a R.