Letting Go & Moving Forward

[littleGTO]

Thanks, ruby, subguy and breakdown.((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))) right back at 'ya, ruby!
ANd, I'll take that snoopy dance and raise you one "Tooty-ta!" (OKay, I'm around little ones all day!)

Don't really know if EA is a PA, but I wouldn't be shocked. I'm not about to go looking for answers to this right now. H did say if his R with her changed he would "let me know." One of the things that has been good & bad in my sitch is that previously (after BD) H was brutually honest. Things that still resonate in my ears & I'm not sure I will EVER forgot or could ever even if I wanted to.

But, he has also not told me things and in his mind this is not lying, just not disclosing information. I told him a while ago there's really not much difference-deceit is deceit.

I am now officially on vacation for a week! My GALs start tonight w my kids--hosting a campout part (in the rain) for S11. Tomorrow night am going out w a friend (who I've never actually been out w before but she has been a good listener & was divorced just last year.

Monday going to see another friend on a day road-trip (haven't seen her since before Christmas), then Tuesday meeting w 2 different lawyers for consults.

Wednesday going to see SIL who is going thru chemo. Thursday meeting up w a new friend!!! And, Friday just getting some car/dentist apptments out of the way.

Then next Saturday night am going camping w S11 (w boy scouts). So, I have a packed schedule which I am feeling good about.

Plus I hope to fit it some bike rides and a few trips to the gym!

Am a little anxious about the meeting w the lawyers, though.

[JuneReN]

Sounds good! Only reason you are anxious is because it makes it feel more real. Yes, I live in your head lol!

But let me tell you that having concrete answers to questions will give you a little peace and confidence because you will know where things could go if they went this way.

You are just fearing the unknown, that's all:)

[littleGTO]

Okay, thanks, ruby. You are right. My organized/logical side will feel better about knowing where I could potentially be.

My biggest anxiety is that H will change his mind about letting boys live only with me during the week (one home). I know I'll either have to split every weekend or do the every other weekend thing (which sux but I know before even meeting w a lawyer that this is the reality of the kids).

My second biggest anxiety is will I be able to keep the house? It has been said that if H is agreeable that I could potentially keep the house & not pay him a dime until youngest son is 18. Our house will be paid off (except for an equitity loan) as of next January, so we are/were in a good financial sitch regarding that.

I want the boys to be able to live in the house that they've grown up in (at least for now). I realize and expect that when/if I enter into a new R that I probably will want to have a "fresh start" in a new home later down the line, but who knows, maybe the boys will be grown by then. Who knows.

[tori2012]

GTO, it's good you're weighing all your options, but don't obsess too much about them.

It looks like you have a fun week planned ahead! New friends are great :-)

Let us know how the meetings w the L's go. Does your H know about this?

((((((((((GTO)))))))))

[littleGTO]

H dropped "D" bomb for first time ever yesterday.

My theory has been that when/if he dropped it, that would be the end for him. For us. PERIOD.

It has been 10 months since BD#1 & well over a year since his EA w OW started.

I am devastated. Not shocked, really, but feel there is just no hope left at all.

Meeting w L's tomorrow. Guess I may need one sooner than later.

Since will wait it out until H files, as I told him I do not want this for us or our family.

He says he sees no other choice for him (as he is not willing to give up OW and he said he wants to move forward and not be "stuck" anymore.

He says having seen me "go out" to meet w new friends--play tennis & VB & go out w a divorced new friend that he thought I seemed happier and he has been miserable. So, he needs to "move on" too. I told him it was my way of coping with the cards I had been dealt.

He confirmed EA has not been a PA yet, but clearly wants more from there R. I guess he sees the EA as "moral high ground" having not yet engaged in a PA.

To me one can easily lead to the other.

I thought I would be ready when he finally said this, but I definitely wasn't. Don't really know what to do now. Feels like a new, awful place.

[labug]

So sorry, GTO, that must be so painful. Grieve today, it's OK.

Then figure out where you go from here.

[ThisDayForward]

Little this is all very scripted you know this. Have you read DB in awhile? H tells you he sees you happy to alleviate his own guilt of wanting to break up the family. You said the right thing by stating "I don't want this for our family" and by letting him do the work.
I've followed your thread but you have to continue to detach and let him go.

It isn't over til its over L. My W dropped D word 2x a month for a year straight

Just get yourself in a place emotionally where you don't react. You keep melting down emotionally in front of him and you need to be strong.

Let him do the work but you do your homework in the background

[littleGTO]

Thanks, labug & PoN, for following my thread and for your advice.

Monday, day after "D" bomb I went to see an old GF & had a very good day, DESPITE the "D" bomb! Of course we talked about what had happened, but I have to say I didn't obsess about it all day AND I didn't cry once! That was HUGE for me!

Today was INTERESTING...

Went to meet w two different lawyers. Loved the first. She was efficient and answered all my questions and didn't rush me out the door. I felt EMPOWERED when I left her.

Didn't realize D was so frickin expensive though! (Beyond the emotional cost, I mean.)

So, I rushed around between the two apptments-went to the gym (my destressor) then to get groceries. Was in a mad rush to put away groceries & had to dash out the door to get to my second appointment.

When I got to the L's office I realized I had left my folder of information, questions, facts and figures ON THE COUNTER AT HOME.

I thought, oh well, I can wing this having just gone through it all this morning. Meeting went fine. L was a nice older man, but he was more about generalities.

Anyway, H called 3 times during meeting & last call was at the end of the meeting I took it...

Hold on to your britches here...

He said, "What's this folder on the counter with all these lawyer questions and dated today?!!!"

He was NOT happy. Oops. BIG mistake by me.

I took a deep breath & told him I was just seeking information JUST IN CASE and that I wanted to know where I might stand should he file for D.

He answered that I had lied to him (yes, I told him I had a doctor apptmt) & why didn't we go together? (WTF!!)

I apologized for lying & told him I really didn't want to share w him that I was going b/c I didn't think he'd understand my reasons for going (which he didn't).

I told him I wanted information for ME.

He proceeded to ask if I would share the information I found out, which I MOSTLY did.

He said he would never be financially irresponsible to me or the kids & if I thought he was going to be "out to get me" I was wrong.

Then, I was bold enough to tell him some of the major things I would want if he did file. #1 physical custody of the kids #2 the house & no payment from me to him for his share until the youngest is 18 #3 my own retirement/pension funds (as mine are significantly more than his).

He did say he would want me to stay in the house w the boys. He also said yes, to the retirement/pensions. He said nothing about the "no payment until the youngest is 18."

We talked about how expensive D is & he said, "I always thought that we would use a mediator, b/c I figured we could work things out ourselves." I said a mediator doesn't represent either of us, so if we had disagreements we couldn't resolve a mediator wouldn't work, but that I hadn't thought about what we would do at all.

I managed to remind him 2 or 3 times that I DON'T WANT THIS.

Still, the conversation started to sound as if this was going to happen.

Don't know what to do now. Is my DBIng time done? I know it's not over 'til it's over, but it feels like he is done.

I guess I wait to see if he files, reread DB/DR, keep GALing, keep doing my 180s, and try to have a PMA whenever I'm around him.

He says he does really "care about me as a person," (that sounded so demeaning to be "a person" rather than "a wife"). He wants to be able to show me he cares but has been afraid to give me mixed messages.

I told him, "Thank you for caring. Don't worry I won't interpret your caring the wrong way. I get it."

He called and left me a voicemail that he really does care about me even if I don't think he does.

I feels like he is reaching out just b/c the "D" bomb is now out there and he may have some relief that maybe this will move forward.

Any advice now????????????

[tori2012]

GTO, we'll talk about this on Thu, but your H sounds just like mine. They "care" about us and want us to "be happy." They don't want to give "mix messages" so they don't "show they care." All WAS's follow the same script.
You decide what to do next. Only you know if you are ready to give up or not. I'm here for you.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))

[ThisDayForward]

I say you handled today very well! And btw you don't owe him answers about L talk. I say you continue your gal efforts and let him do the work if he wants it.