Am I in the right Forum?

[Notlikingthis]

I've been reading posts here and learning a great deal over the past few months since I posted last but things are beginning to change so I am again. I thought I was doing okay with all of h's crazy behavior. I've been keeping myself busy with things that keep me out of the house and out of his way as much as possible. He didn't seem to be progressing one way or the other (in a positive or negative way) until the past week. I've been processing what he's told me (which of course, I believe none of) but now he's talking about moving out. He says "it will be good for both of us". He's been talking to the OW daily, many times here at the house (most of the time he steps outside). I usually leave for an hour or so when I can tell that he talking to her. When I come back he's shocked that I would go somewhere without asking him to come along. CRAZY!!! I'm sure that you'll all tell me that I should tell him how disrespectful he's being so go ahead and blast me for being a doormat but give me some ideas on how to handle that without confrontation. During one of those conversations I overheard him trying to talk her into moving here so I know that is why he's planning on moving out. He is going back to work which I thought would be good for him but now I see that he's doing it to "fund" their new life. He wants to keep one foot in the door for now and is wooing her here with money, lies and the promise of taking care of her. Because I know her and her style of living, it will take a LOT of money to take care of her. I've made sure that I have copies of all of our financial paperwork and unless he changes the online passwords, I will have access to see what and where all of the money goes. I can't take half of it and put it in a safe place because of where it's invested right now.

I won't even repeat some of the nonsense that I've heard over the past 6 months but I think he wants to test the waters with her first before he makes any moves to end our relationship and marriage. He continues to sleep in the same bed, tells me that he loves me (less often than before, of course) and still makes reference to the near and distant future! What have I been doing? Listening to him, distancing myself as much as possible, going dim, leaving the house when he's here and when he makes his phone calls to the OW and doing what I want to do rather than sitting around waiting for him to get his act together. I'm upbeat and happy and he hates it. After all, he told me to go do what makes me happy but not to tell him about it or what I'm doing. Then he gives me the third degree when I've been gone for awhile. ????? I took a mini vacation and went on a shopping spree for a few days last month. He didn't like the fact that I was gone and told me that he missed me in texts and phone messages several times a day. I only responded once a day to them and actually had a great time relaxing, catching up on my reading and just being away from all of the drama that he and the OW have created for themselves.

Snodderly....he is "telling on himself" more often than now when he talks, is still depressed most of the time yet has some moments of elation after talking to the OW. He's following the "script" more closely than I would have ever imagined yet tells me that he's not going through a MLC and he knows what he's doing.

I'm obviously not happy about this latest announcement and need some prayers and help. He actually asked me to help him find a place to live! I haven't and I won't get involved in any way in that and told him so. So do I pack his bags and boxes for him and tell him to have a nice day or what?

Again, prayers and advice, PLEASE!

[job]

Please do not tell your h that he is in mlc. He will deny it until the cows come home. He doesn't think that there is anything wrong w/him, but we all know the signs of mlc.

So, he wants to find a place to live...don't help him. He's a grown man and he needs to face the consequences of his actions. I wouldn't pack or help him w/the move. Now, if he leaves stuff behind and it's a constant reminder, I would then pack the stuff up and put it either in the garage, shed or basement for a while.

What he's saying and doing is all part of the mlc script. I do think that once he's out of the house, you'll find that the stress of walking on egg shells will be alleviated and you'll be able to relax a bit more. No one knows just how much stress the mlcer puts on the spouse and family when they are living under the same roof until they have moved out. Just remember, you can still use db even when he's moved out.
Even though he may move out, he may very well use excuses to visit the home. At some point, you will need to set boundaries, but let's wait and see if he truly does move out.

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Notlikingthis]

Snodderly, thank you for the prayers. I'm feeling a little stronger today and know that I will survive this no matter what he does. More than that, I think you're right when you say that we don't realize the stress we're under while they are living with us. I pray every night that he will wake up and be the same or a better man than before all of this started. I know that this is just beginning but I want so badly to do something to hurry it along.

I've not mentioned MLC or that he seems confused yet he keeps bringing it up himself and defending himself....to himself, I guess! I suggested that he go to the Dr. a few times but definitely haven't since shortly after finding this site. He keeps repeating that it's his time and that no one is going to tell him what he can or can't do any longer, that he's not confused and knows exactly what he is doing and is willing to accept the consequences!!! Then he says that he's turned the page. I don't ask him what he means by that but I'm sure it has something to do with us. He tells me that he knows he's hurting me because he can see it in my eyes. He is a thinker and his brain is always working overtime. I know that the unresolved issues from his childhood revolved around his parents being very, very controlling with him, at least in his eyes. As I mentioned earlier in this thread he is a sort of rebel but in order to be successful in his career he's had to put that little rebel boy in a box. It appears that the rebellious kid is coming back out with a vengence.

Up until a few weeks ago he would apologize for his erratic and crazy behavior. He is aware of his confusion and can't seem to keep his thoughts and actions under control. He keeps reassuring me that he is okay and is being selfish about what he wants because he deserves it after all of the years of doing what others expect of him. When he has a rare semi-lucid moment he gets extremely frustrated with himself mumbling something about losing his mind. His most recent line is that he doesn't want to take advantage of me. Not sure what that means but I suspect he's got a plan going on in that confused mind of his that he'll spring on me sometime soon. If he were to move out and live by himself, I think he'd work through this but if the OW moves here and he lives with her I'm certain that it will take much, much longer. I know I can't rush it but I want shorter not longer. To have him living with someone that he believes is his soul mate scares me. I have to keep telling myself that she is just another symptom that will go away in time, right?

I need to stop thinking about all of this and do what he is doing. Selfishness is under rated! Maybe it's MY time and I need to go back to work. NOT!

Thanks again for stopping by to comment and for the prayers.

[Notlikingthis]

Now I'm starting to panic. H is out right now looking for a house to rent. I just don't know what to think anymore. He's so determined to get away and I know there is absolutely nothing that I can do to stop him. None of the kids know anything about this and he hasn't even talked about them and the impact that it will have on them. They're all grown but what does he think? That they will just accept the fact that he needs "his space". Wait till they find out there's an OW. Speaking of the OW, she is making plans to come up here in the next few days or week (per H). Maybe I should find out what time she is coming in and make an apprearance at the airport. Making a scene is not my thing but at this point I'm thinking about it.

I woke up in the middle of the night with an overwhelming urge to either slap some sense into him while he slept or cry . I opted for getting up and cried until no more tears would come. Hormones??? Maybe. Frustration because I can't do anything to stop this. Definitely.

If this is just the beginning, I can only imagine what it will be like in a month, six months or a year. Thank God I'm busy and don't have a lot of time to think otherwise I'd be ready for the loony bin.

I feel pretty alone right now. I can't talk to friends, relatives and refuse to talk to him about anything other than the necessary things. I just keep smiling and doing my best to act as if his behavior is normal and all is well. The hardest part is when he asks how I'm doing "with all of this" (meaning his decision to move out). He seems so sincere when he asks or talks to me about anything right now. I know he isn't and that makes me even angrier at him.

I need someone to tell me something positive about this right now.....anyone?

[Mtnman]

NLT, snodderly gave you the best advice. Get out of his way. Don't help him, but don't say or do anything that can be used to justify his actions.

I'm in month four. I never thought I could be apart from my W this much for this long. It doesn't get easier, as much as you learn to live in a new normal. It can be done.

[job]

It's okay to think about meeting the ow, but I strong advise against it. Why? The ow will tattle on you to your h and it may make things worse between the two of your right now. The best thing to do is sit quietly and keep the focus on you and your children. There's absolutely nothing you can do to help him.

One more thing, keep an eye on your finances, checking and savings account and the credit cards. Make sure that your bills are paid because mlcers do tend to forget to pay them. Do not rely on him for anything at this time because he's unpredictable.

Keep the focus on you and your children!

[Notlikingthis]

Mtnman, Thanks for the encouraging words. I will look for your thread. I like the comment on not doing or saying anything that can be used to justify his actions. That's my mantra! I know that he is looking for things to justify his actions. Since he can't figure out why he's doing this in the first place he's blaming it on himself. I'm sure that he'd rather blame me. It would make it much easier for him to leave. So far, so good with that but I know it's just a matter of time before I look at him the wrong way and he will use that as the excuse. Maybe that's why he is being so "nice" right now.

While I can't imagine being in his frame of mind right now, I have to keep remembering that I don't have to understand the why's or how's. I have to stay focused on ME and be without emotion when I do have to deal with him.

You sound like you're doing pretty well for being here for such a short time. Keep your positive attitude.

[Notlikingthis]

Snodderly, thanks for the reminder about the OW. Since I know her (and her H), it's hard for me not to want to call her or seek her out and give her a piece of my mind. I promise I won't do that because you are right, she will repeat every word and it will be the two of them against me and the world. It reminds me of my kids when they were in their teen years.

Thanks for the reminder on the finances. So far I'm still the one taking care of the bills. I do worry though about when he returns to work. I suspect that he'll open up a new checking account and funnel most of the money into it especially if he moves out and the OW is involved. She is high maintanance and wouldn't be working if she moves here. He was in a high paying job prior to leaving his last job and this new job will be an even higher paying job. What could be more dangerous as he progresses throught this. Lots of $$ with the behavior of a teenager?

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Your advice is welcome any time.