We exchanged friendly texts during vacation but nothing serious. I came back in time for Good Friday and Easter. W made comments that she wanted to use the house for Easter which made me think I was not invited. When I came back from vacation, I tried detaching. I dropped S12 without saying a word. I left house when she came in. W texted later and said she wanted to know what was going on (why I would just leave). She said things were going well because we were texting. She also said that she was sick of the yo-yo.
I texted back and said "I know it frustrates you when I am around. I was just trying to give you space and time to heal. I wasn't trying to hurt you by avoiding you. I understand why you get frustrated with me. I screw up all the time. It hurts me to know how much pain I've caused you..." I then apologized for all the things I did wrong like minimalizing her feelings, porn, doubting her faithfulness, and getting angry. I also said "I'm not angry anymore. I'm not yelling or fighting. I get it. The problem is me. I'll spend the rest of my life knowing how much I hurt you. It makes me cry. I don't want to be that man that hurts you. I want God to fix me. He is the only one who can."
My "more of the same" was to apologize. She was sick of the apologies and said that H (me) wasn't the only one who did or does things wrong. I texted back and said that "You are not perfect." I also said that I was upset that we weren't spending Easter together. I told her that I couldn't change her (only God could), and it only made things worse every time I tried. I used her words from months earlier and said "I'll fix me, and you fix you." I said "I fell in love with you because you were a good person. I know now it's because I saw God in you. He's still there. I still see how wonderful you are. I am grateful for the last 13 years." I ended asking her what God wanted her to do (divorce, stay separated, try again?).
The next day she came to church and said she wasn't trying to keep me from Easter. I came over and was the most helpful gopher ever. There was about 20 people there. I followed up with a text the next that Easter was fun and she did a great job. She replied that she appreciated all my help. The next day was spring break and she went to the other state with S4 and D2.
Not much texting or talking on spring break. She didn't answer calls when I tried to talk to children. She sent a few pictures of kids but always later at night. I knew she had a job interview in other state and wondered to myself what she would do with kids. I was nervous all week thinking the worst with her and OM. I thought having kids there would make things difficult for them. She pushed off return date 2 times. She drove 12 hours straight to get home Sunday morning. I took the kids to church while she slept. She was gone when we got back.
