Hi zero, Thank God (& Michelle) for this board!! ... at least to be able to converse with people you do understand where you are coming from about working on your M ... but I, too, can relate to what you are saying. I had only leaned on my Sis for support during the rough times. Since she went thru a D from a abusive H, I did have to run thru much of what she said with a filter ... and now that we are piecing, I rarely talk about it with Sis, because I think she would she me as being a doormat.
You are keeping the lines of communication open with H and I think its great that you talked to him when wanting to hear a friendly voice. I hope you actually used those words on him? It wouldn't hurt to even thank him for being there as a friendly voice and how that was a comfort to you. Its that kind of conversing that helps build a high level of emotional connection.
It made me smirk to read about the banter you & your H has about your C. It creates a commonality the two of you share that allows you to raise a level of levity that can overshadow the anxious thoughts for both of you about working thru these tough issues with C.
Quote: There is something that I wish my H would do when we're in therapy. I wish he'd sit closer to me and/or touch my hand (arm, shoulder) while we're there. His body language tends to be very guarded as though he's prepared to do battle with me ... <SNIP> Yup, I definately don't like that woman. I think she is doing a good job at helping us work through tough conversations, but I'm not too certain that she's the one who will see us through.
Could be his guard is up because he is not comfortable with C either? I know when we went to C, she deliberately sat us distantly apart and I know I was guarded against C as I didn't trust her to take sides and turn on me. It wouldn't suprise me if your H tried to guard against this too.
KAW, There is a chance that H is defensive about the C. To a certain extent I know I am. That's what makes it so difficult to put a finger on what it is that's bugging me about her. I sense that I lose a little more respect for her in every session. That's not good, and that is why she probably won't see us through to the end (of marriage counseling).
I too have friends who would think I'm a doormat... apparently some DBers even think that. You know, I suspected that about some people who were in piecing when I started. I believe now that unconditional love is truly what it takes. As we get further into piecing it seems like the giving turns less philosophical and really gets into the day-to-day stuff.
I feel like I am getting to the point where H is in this with me and we are struggling with how to express ourselves so that we can hash out where we're going to go from here. This morning I had a convo with H that I've traditionally not had much luck with. Good news is that there was no yelling this time. Bad news is that it probably made him feel like dirt.
I'll give a little background. My H is very big on "keeping his options open." I'm afraid that sometimes that translates too easily into an excuse for procrastinating. It always means that he's changing his plans -- the big ones, not just what we're doing over the weekend. Imagine trying to determine a budget with someone who keeps changing the priorities. I've never been consulted on these changes. Since he gets his back up whenever I challenge him on why he's changing plans, I gave up a long time ago. I think this is a big reason why we haven't been true partners. I know it's one of those things that will never go away, but I know letting him do whatever he wants, whenever he wants is a cheeseless tunnel.
Another piece of background is that he's been telling me about how he needs to get a certification before he will get a job for the past four years. Things keep coming up, like "I can't right now, because of..." or "I took that test, but now they have a new certification that I could get if I just took one more test." He never gets closer to finishing. He graduated in August with his degree; and since then he's been "going to work on the certirfication starting next month."
Final piece of background is that I don't care. Okay, I do have a preference, but I really want him to do whatever makes him happy. If he planned carefully, he could manage to live just on his retirement income and not work. If he wants to get the certification, he's perfectly capable of it.
The problem is that he's doing neither. First this makes him feel guilty, because he's not following through, which makes the whole thing an uncomfortable topic. Second, the longer he waits the more financial pressure will limit his options.
So last night I saw an inexpensive airfare and mentioned it, thinking wistfully of taking a weekend trip somewhere. He jumped right in about how he has a free airline ticket that he has to use very soon. Next he was talking about how I don't have vacation time; then he was talking about going to Europe. Huh? So the new plan is that he will fly to the east coast then jump on a military flight to Europe.
I'm not in this new plan, which is a bit irksome, but it has benefits. The fact that he would be perfectly content to live in Europe for the rest of his life and has nothing (okay, probably me) to tie him to the States is a bit worrisome. But, those are my concerns about me in the worst case scenarios. Heck, I don't even really think he's going to Europe anyway. If he did go and decided to move, there is no basis to think that he wouldn't ask me to join him ... though there is that ex-girlfriend in Austria. There is really only one thing that I needed to address and that is he needs to follow through one way or the other. He readily admitted that he doesn't want to work, but he needs to. He seems to feel stuck. He admitted that his choice is to get the certification, because he doesn't need it. He told me that he only had six months to finish the certification or he was never getting it. (Is the fact that I only have to wait six months to know what the plan is supposed to make me feel better? I know from experience he'll have some other way of prolonging it in six months.) He tried to defend this trip to Europe, because he has to use the ticket now. (As though he couldn't go anywhere else for just a few days.)
I pretty much told him that I know we'll be fine no matter what he decides, but that he needs to decide one way or the other. I told him that this issue is going to control him as long as he doesn't get consistent one way or the other. He even handed me an example of how he's going to keep returning to this question until he decides to follow through on a decision.
I kept it in the context of being concerned about him and believing he won't make a wrong decision. I admitted I had some selfish motives in bringing this up, but feel that there were plenty of altruistic motives that support my point.
I don't know if he'll decide anything, but I could tell he was thinking about it. As nice as I was about it, I'm pretty sure I hit at the heart of an ego issue. He likes to think of himself as a man of action and a breadwinner. I didn't have to attack him for him to underscore the fact that he is fiddling while Rome burns. He pretty much said that himself. I guess this is just one the hard convos one has in an R, but I feel like a meanie.
Okay, prepare to be nauseous everyone... VDay weekend was just a bit too perfect. H and I slept in Saturday morning. I was typing at the computer when H came in with roses and my valentine's day card. We exchanged cards and gifts then went to breakfast at one of our favorite diners down at the river quay.
After that we got our hiking boots and headed off for a hike at Monkey Mountain. We were late, so we had to double-time to catch up with the rest of the group. The terrain was horrible: ice, slush, mud. H ran around taking pictures of the group, which was pretty beat by the time we reached the "summit." It's funny that the trail leading to the summit winds all around what barely qualifies as a mountain, but when we got to the top, we walked less than a mile straight back to our cars. The day was mild and sunny, so it was nice to get out and exert ourselves.
After that we went home and got dressed for dinner. H and I had a gift certificate for a restaurant from Christmas. Dinner was excellent. We talked about the hike and about our honeymoon in Jamaica. At the time we had thought it was pretty awful, but we were remembering all of the cool things about it.
Afterwards we went to see the Butterfly Effect, which we really enjoyed. This really caught H's imagination; and we talked about the implications of string theory (which I still don't understand, but he does) and chaos theory.
It was a great day and my pessimist H even said so.
We watched SNL until bedtime. As I was crawling into bed, H came in with a folder. He gave it to me and said, "Look at this." It was a pretty folder, so I actually looked at it for a moment before opening it to find a certificate for a star. He bought me a star for us to look at through the telescope. That is about the sweetest thing on earth. I was really touched. I almost cried that night, because I was so happy and then he topped it all off with that. He said he wanted me to know that I am special.
That's good, because I haven't been feeling too special lately. I think I'm having MLC type thoughts lately. Oh well. Hope y'all had a good weekend, and do have a good week.
Oh, almost forgot... H and I found chairs we both like yesterday... made my whole day. Ciao!
Wow Z, I am happy your H is being so sweet to you. Your V-Day makes up for mine so that is super! The "star thing" is just awesome...and I'm glad he knows how special you truely are. Great going! Take care. Debi
Debi, sorry your Vday didn't go so well. (((Debi)))
No real news here I guess. H and I are basking in the afterglow of a nice weekend. We spent Sunday out shopping, and had intended to do the same on Monday. Unfortunately, H woke up sick (he thought food poisoning) and wanted to get home right away to get his meds. He called me around noon and said he'd gotten a migraine bad enough he wanted to go to the hospital. He called around 2 and told me to pick him up at his place. I kept telling him he didn't need to go shopping, but he was sure he'd feel better soon. His stomach problem had gone away and they gave him some pretty hefty pain killers for his migraine. By the time we got to the furniture store he was pretty happy.
Yet again our search was fruitless. I'm getting a little discouraged, because H and I know exactly what we want. Then it started to snow. Grrrr... I was driving. H noticed I was a little tense. He corrected my driving once, but I just said "thank you." Well when he's right, he's right.
I know it was making him uncomfortable that I was stressed out. I just felt like the whole day got wasted. I made myself feel a little better by insisting on a bit of retail therapy in the middle of a snow storm. Hee, hee. I got the new Dido CD, which lifted my spirits a lot... and surprised the heck out of my H who isn't used to me listening to pop music.
Come to think of it, I surprised him a little yesterday by showing up without a coat. He's used to me being bundled up more than Nanuck's wife's sister, but I just didn't think it was that cold out. He said he liked it when I was "adventurous."
After we got home, we threw together a quick dinner (that included some homemade foccacia) and watched the special features DVD of the miniseries we've been watching. This past week we've been watching "Band of Brothers" about a group of paratroopers in WWII. I'm a history buff and H was a paratrooper, so it's been fascinating for both of us. H thanked me for picking it out, because he hadn't heard of it before. I may have him watch it with me again, so he can stop and give me the fun details. He got excited last night and started telling me about jump training, which was cool.
H and I took a little time afterwards to dance in the living room to my new CD. We haven't done that in a while. We locked eyes and smiled the whole time. H is an excellent dancer, even if he doesn't think so.
Oh, I forgot that H and I had a long, long talk about the trip to Europe. I may have given him the impression that I am all out opposed to it, but I've really decided that I'm not. He'll go if he wants to go. Once I really thought about it, I'm not threatened by it.
What I am concerned about is the family dynamic he'd be walking into. He has this altruistic idea that he's going to make his brother's visit with their parents better.
See, his brother doesn't like to travel, never visits his parents and has some very unrealistic ideas about everything that is going to happen while he's over there. BIL thinks it's going to be like puttering around his house in America, but he'll have no bed to sleep on, no sofa to sit on, no television, no car and a completely different diet. BIL thinks he's going to fix things up around their house. BIL doesn't know that there are no standard hardware fittings, no hardware superstores and no yellow pages in Italy. BIL thinks he's going to get their finances squared away with his father, but his father doesn't know that he doesn't handle the finances, his mother doesn't know what's going on with the finances and his aunt (who does handle the finances) isn't going to talk to him about it. BIL thinks he's going to hang out with his parents, but his parents drive him crazy and he gets nasty with them, which will probably mean his aunt is going to get involved.
H's fear that his father will get so upset he'll have a heart attack is unfounded, but H is absolutely right that he could improve the quality of his B's visit and probably keep everyone from getting into a huge fight. The problem is that when H is around, everyone gripes to him about each other and takes out their frustration on him. He gets the blame for everything. His father gets made at BIL and tells H that he was a worthless kid. Yup, it's that screwed up.
On top of that, H's brother doesn't appreciate anything that H has had to deal with everytime he's gone over to help his parents. BIL always has something more important to do than H and thinks the fact that H lived there for eight years means it's easier for him. Personally, I think that BIL needs a little dose of reality (that he probably still won't comprehend); and H could use a vacation where he isn't the lightening rod for everyone's problems.
H agrees that they'll probably all be down on him, but his presence will still make everything that much better for them. Far be it for me to keep him from showing unconditional love towards his family, but they don't have to deal with the depressed, angry H that's going to come back. Oh well. --z
Funny you should ask JS. I was just coming on to post an update that things are going pretty good.
I guess it's been a while since I posted on the sex issue, so here's an update. My new C ordered me to go see an internist and follow up with my ob/gyn about my vaginal dryness. (I was a little annoyed at her insistence, since it wasn't like I was blowing it off.) I just changed insurance, so I had to change all of my doctors too.
Last Monday I went to the new obgyn. He could tell I had some kind of a problem, but was a little baffled by why. So he started with treating it as a yeast infection for one week. Week was up yesterday and it didn't work, so I'll call him today and try something new.
Yesterday, I went to see the new internist. She was pretty cool, but I could tell she was a little overwhelmed by all of my wierd little problems that seem to come and go. I gave her the complete run down of all of my problems over the last few years, including the ones that don't seem to be a problem anymore. She ordered a blood test to check my thyroid and sodium. Presumably they'll check my ANA, but I'll be surprised if they find anything. Most of my symptoms (if they actually add up to anything) are pretty mild right now. So I wait for blood results next.
Most mornings H and I cuddle for a long time before I get out of bed. It's really the best part of the day. This morning things got a little heated and we ended up ML. This morning my H was actually "present." It made a huge difference. I even had an O. We didn't even need lubrication, although we could both tell that I was a little dry. Well that has lifted my spirits a great deal. There may be hope for our M, yet. Woo hoo!
Bit of a backslide last night. I usually straighten the house and get dinner started before he comes over. Yesterday H got to the house early. No problem, because I just keep on about my business. Except, he jumped right in and started putting the coals on for the steaks he brought. This threw my schedule off a bit, so I went ahead and put the potatoes I had planned in the microwave for half-time just to get them started. H didn't like this and said so. I explained that I was just putting them in for half-time. He waited a minute and told me that I shouldn't have put them in a bowl that the best way is to individually wrap them. This annoyed me, because he kept putting me back in the position where I had to explain myself to him, meanwhile I was in a hurry to get back to paying my bills.
So I backslid and just gave in about as resentfully as I could. I said, "Well, then you'll need to change it." Then he got defensive and started explaining to me why it's best to do it that way. I said, "Whatever. We can do it your way. I don't care" in my obviously exasperated voice as I walked out of the kitchen.
Still defensive, he continues to explain how he's done experiments on this. WTF?!? Who does experiments on the best way to cook potatoes in the microwave?!? No reason to wonder ... of course my H is exactly the person who would waste his time on something like that. I managed to keep my mouth shut, and went back to my bills.
I really prefer to cook for him -- except for grilling because it takes a Y chromosome to fully understand the subtleties of raw meat on an open flame -- so I was very disappointed that my H had dinner finished before I was done with my bills. In fact, I felt a little guilty that he was calling me to dinner when I still had a couple of minutes left on balancing my checkbook. He had to wait on me. Kind of a bummer.
None of this ruined the whole night, but I didn't like the way it went.
It creates a commonality the two of you share that allows you to raise a level of levity that can overshadow the anxious thoughts for both of you about working thru these tough issues with C.
I guess this is just one the hard convos one has in an R, but I feel like a meanie. 
The "star thing" is just awesome...and I'm glad he knows how special you truely are.