KAW,
There is a chance that H is defensive about the C. To a certain extent I know I am. That's what makes it so difficult to put a finger on what it is that's bugging me about her. I sense that I lose a little more respect for her in every session. That's not good, and that is why she probably won't see us through to the end (of marriage counseling).

I too have friends who would think I'm a doormat... apparently some DBers even think that. You know, I suspected that about some people who were in piecing when I started. I believe now that unconditional love is truly what it takes. As we get further into piecing it seems like the giving turns less philosophical and really gets into the day-to-day stuff.

I feel like I am getting to the point where H is in this with me and we are struggling with how to express ourselves so that we can hash out where we're going to go from here.
This morning I had a convo with H that I've traditionally not had much luck with. Good news is that there was no yelling this time. Bad news is that it probably made him feel like dirt.

I'll give a little background. My H is very big on "keeping his options open." I'm afraid that sometimes that translates too easily into an excuse for procrastinating. It always means that he's changing his plans -- the big ones, not just what we're doing over the weekend. Imagine trying to determine a budget with someone who keeps changing the priorities. I've never been consulted on these changes. Since he gets his back up whenever I challenge him on why he's changing plans, I gave up a long time ago. I think this is a big reason why we haven't been true partners. I know it's one of those things that will never go away, but I know letting him do whatever he wants, whenever he wants is a cheeseless tunnel.

Another piece of background is that he's been telling me about how he needs to get a certification before he will get a job for the past four years. Things keep coming up, like "I can't right now, because of..." or "I took that test, but now they have a new certification that I could get if I just took one more test." He never gets closer to finishing. He graduated in August with his degree; and since then he's been "going to work on the certirfication starting next month."

Final piece of background is that I don't care. Okay, I do have a preference, but I really want him to do whatever makes him happy. If he planned carefully, he could manage to live just on his retirement income and not work. If he wants to get the certification, he's perfectly capable of it.

The problem is that he's doing neither. First this makes him feel guilty, because he's not following through, which makes the whole thing an uncomfortable topic. Second, the longer he waits the more financial pressure will limit his options.

So last night I saw an inexpensive airfare and mentioned it, thinking wistfully of taking a weekend trip somewhere. He jumped right in about how he has a free airline ticket that he has to use very soon. Next he was talking about how I don't have vacation time; then he was talking about going to Europe. Huh? So the new plan is that he will fly to the east coast then jump on a military flight to Europe.

I'm not in this new plan, which is a bit irksome, but it has benefits. The fact that he would be perfectly content to live in Europe for the rest of his life and has nothing (okay, probably me) to tie him to the States is a bit worrisome. But, those are my concerns about me in the worst case scenarios. Heck, I don't even really think he's going to Europe anyway. If he did go and decided to move, there is no basis to think that he wouldn't ask me to join him ... though there is that ex-girlfriend in Austria.
There is really only one thing that I needed to address and that is he needs to follow through one way or the other. He readily admitted that he doesn't want to work, but he needs to. He seems to feel stuck. He admitted that his choice is to get the certification, because he doesn't need it. He told me that he only had six months to finish the certification or he was never getting it. (Is the fact that I only have to wait six months to know what the plan is supposed to make me feel better? I know from experience he'll have some other way of prolonging it in six months.) He tried to defend this trip to Europe, because he has to use the ticket now. (As though he couldn't go anywhere else for just a few days.)

I pretty much told him that I know we'll be fine no matter what he decides, but that he needs to decide one way or the other. I told him that this issue is going to control him as long as he doesn't get consistent one way or the other. He even handed me an example of how he's going to keep returning to this question until he decides to follow through on a decision.

I kept it in the context of being concerned about him and believing he won't make a wrong decision. I admitted I had some selfish motives in bringing this up, but feel that there were plenty of altruistic motives that support my point.

I don't know if he'll decide anything, but I could tell he was thinking about it. As nice as I was about it, I'm pretty sure I hit at the heart of an ego issue. He likes to think of himself as a man of action and a breadwinner. I didn't have to attack him for him to underscore the fact that he is fiddling while Rome burns. He pretty much said that himself. I guess this is just one the hard convos one has in an R, but I feel like a meanie.

"A man's character is his fate." -- Heraclitus