I've been married for 12 years with 3 children S12, S4, and D2. Problems started last October. W was upset that I would come home angry and mentioned that we were living like roommates or brother/sister. I thought marriage was fine, and she would snap out of it as she had in the past. NOT! She started getting angry and leaving the house. One night she didn't come back. (Months later she said she was at a male friend's house drinking tequila all night. She was upset I didn't call her.) I called her early in the morning to see if she was coming home to watch the kids.
Things degenerated quickly after that. Sex ended. We started sleeping in separate rooms (her action). I found it difficult to talk to her. We went out on a date once. Afterwards, she broke down in tears about her feelings and our problems. I had told her earlier that year that I didn't believe in God. Despite that, I asked her to pray with me. After that point, I don't think she could believe anything I said. She thought I was being fake to try to fix the problems.
What was causing you to "come home angry", which seems that you equate to the beginning of the problems?
When she told you about her feelings and the M problems, what were they?
Have you picked up and read the Divorce Remedy book? It, and previously the Divorce Busting book, are often referenced and part of how we support people through their situation.
We moved to a new house in May. S12 just started middle school and was having issues. I'd come home almost every night and W was angry with S12. I think I just let the emotions take me over rather than take control of the emotions. I have since read DB and DR. I'm on mediation so it might take awhile to get my story out.
In early January, W got a new phone. We were at a friend's house, and I wanted to see the phone to figure out how it worked. While I was browsing features, a message arrived from OM that said "I want to love you immediately so...". W grabbed the phone because it beeped indicating a text. She typed some kind of reply (like "no texting right now?") and then gave the phone back. I was too naive and trusting in our marriage vows at that time to think W would have an A.
Started counseling in January. W suggested counseling in December, but said I had to pick one. First few sessions were all crying and talking about feelings. She brought up new problems that I didn't even know existed. She had issues with counseling when she was young and hates the idea. Money was tight and she didn't want the cost either. She would still go though.
W took a trip to visit friends in other state at end of February. She had gone in November and January also. OM is one of the old friends (BF to be exact) that is in other state. I was nervous because of marriage problems and January text that something was happening. W came back late from trip and didn't unpack. I was talking to her while in the shower. I saw bruises on breasts, arm, and hip. She always told me to hide hickies while making love so I assumed she told OM to do the same. I went out to the car and looked through her purse. Found card from OM saying he loved her and wanted to shower with her, etc. He liked to hold her face while they kissed. I kept the card and thought about what to do all day. I said nothing. She went to work while I tried to work from home. I brought the issue up at counseling that night (away from kids). She denied everything. She said that she didn't want to be with me if I thought that way about her. We left counseling without action.
In the car ride home, she told me that we needed to separate. I told her I was considering suicide. While I was packing at the house, she kept asking about my plans and if I was really going to kill myself. I replied yes repeatedly. Eventually, I got a little angry and confronted her by saying "Not everything is always going to go your way. If we divorce, it's not necessarily true you will get the kids." That was her anger button. She wouldn't let me talk after that. She shouted down anything I had to say, so I continued packing. She called the cops. I admitted I was thinking about suicide to the cops (bad idea) so they took me to the hospital (without choice). I spent a few humiliating hours in a room by myself. Eventually, I admitted that thinking about suicide was an attempt to manipulate my wife into caring about me (which obviously backfired).
Admitting I was manipulative was my new dawn. It took the problems too big for me to handle by myself (coming to the end of myselt) to look for God again. I read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and finally found God. No one else could ever explain God to me before that. I also picked up DB. I broke down and went to live with my parents instead of my car (another attempt at manipulation). It took a few weeks for DB to sink in and realize that I needed to change myself. I was reading the Bible again too. I eventually got DR which helped me craft a more clear plan. I loved the hope stories in both of Michele's books because I could see parts of my R in each. I also found hope in God that I could give my problems to him.
I talked to all kinds of people (pastors, old friends, strangers). I was always an introvert before. I only mentioned OM to 2 more people (pastor and old friend W doesn't know). I knew EA would shame her and make her hate me more. She spent most of March avoiding talking to me. Don't you just love the silent treatment. We were supposed to go to another counseling session 3 weeks after I accused her of infidelity. I did a 180 and said that we didn't need to go to counseling if it was just making things worse and costed money which was scarce. Things improved slightly after that. I went on vacation out of town with S12 (new for me to go on vacation with kids by myself). W organized activities for S4 and D2 with her parents (I think to keep me from taking them with).
One thing to understand about any EA/PA is they are really a symptom of an underlying problem. Yes, they are painful for the LBS and it is the LBS who needs to decide whether that is a deal breaker or if it is forgiveable. Some LBS initially believe it is a deal breaker, only to realize they could forgive an A.
That said, as it is truly a symptom, it is important for you to consider if you were not meeting her needs prior to the A. As you indicated earlier, you were beginning to "come home angry". Why was that?
Understand that we promote "keeping the road home paved and smooth". It is good to let go of the negative emotions through talking to counsellors or other, similar professionals such as your priest. Other people will form their own opinions and speaking with them could potentially cause friction between you and your W by way of second hand information. Also, speaking with friends who may have a negative opinion about your W could also influence your attitude as they may say things to upset you and be angry with your W and that may reflect in your interactions with her.
Just be wary to keep your emotions in check (detaching) and start focusing on yourself by working on things you feel could be better within you and become an even better man, father, and potentially H that only a fool would leave, and it COULD help save the M. And if it does not, at least you will have grown to help ensure any future relationship, with anyone, will be that much better.
Admitting you are a manipulator IS hard. I have had to do it as well. What's harder, I think, is that we believe we have the best interests of the other at heart, and justify the manipulation. Maddening.
And it is HARD to break this habit. It's a communication style, IMO. I'm still trying to break it.
congratulations on at least realizing it
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Kaffe Diem, I was lazy. I loved my wife. I enjoyed her company and intimacy. I made decisions that I thought were best for the family. I thought life was good...
That's the key..."I"... What about my W? When did I worry about how she was feeling? When she was concered about decisions such as buying a house or car, why did I just write off her concerns as being over cautious? I wasn't her friend. I acted as her boss. She wanted to go on a cruise to reignite the flame about a year ago, but I was concerned about money.
I missed out on the greatest adventure in my life. I should have been working to make my wife the happiest woman alive. That's what I wanted when I first got married. I thought I had all the answers, so I stopped listening to W. W always has a choice to stay or leave. Unfortunately, she felt is was her only choice. I don't blame her. I didn't like the person I was either.
So here I am. I want to be the best me (like you say). I only live once. W might want me (or not) someday. In the end, I have to be happy with what I have. I can't live in the past regretting what I did wrong. I can't live in the future waiting for things to change. I have to live today. It's the only way to be a better me.
You may read my story and say things are bad. I used to think the same thing. I say now that things are good. W has not talked to an attorney or filed for D. I have 3 beautiful kids. I have a stable job. W is working and bringing in money. We are both getting in shape (we're going to be totally sexy this summer in swimwear). I spent most of last weekend with W and kids without argument. I even appreciate that I get see a beautiful woman (W) every time I pick up the kids.
A little while ago, I thought everything that was happening was horrible. Now I see it's forcing me to be a better man. God knows. This is probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I hope to look back someday and see this point as the time my eyes opened in order to see my destiny. It's amazing how the best things can come out of the worst situations. Like a trial by fire.
"Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back for good" Philemon 15
I'd like to thank everyone on these forums for sharing their stories and advice. It does help me realize I am not alone.
We exchanged friendly texts during vacation but nothing serious. I came back in time for Good Friday and Easter. W made comments that she wanted to use the house for Easter which made me think I was not invited. When I came back from vacation, I tried detaching. I dropped S12 without saying a word. I left house when she came in. W texted later and said she wanted to know what was going on (why I would just leave). She said things were going well because we were texting. She also said that she was sick of the yo-yo.
I texted back and said "I know it frustrates you when I am around. I was just trying to give you space and time to heal. I wasn't trying to hurt you by avoiding you. I understand why you get frustrated with me. I screw up all the time. It hurts me to know how much pain I've caused you..." I then apologized for all the things I did wrong like minimalizing her feelings, porn, doubting her faithfulness, and getting angry. I also said "I'm not angry anymore. I'm not yelling or fighting. I get it. The problem is me. I'll spend the rest of my life knowing how much I hurt you. It makes me cry. I don't want to be that man that hurts you. I want God to fix me. He is the only one who can."
My "more of the same" was to apologize. She was sick of the apologies and said that H (me) wasn't the only one who did or does things wrong. I texted back and said that "You are not perfect." I also said that I was upset that we weren't spending Easter together. I told her that I couldn't change her (only God could), and it only made things worse every time I tried. I used her words from months earlier and said "I'll fix me, and you fix you." I said "I fell in love with you because you were a good person. I know now it's because I saw God in you. He's still there. I still see how wonderful you are. I am grateful for the last 13 years." I ended asking her what God wanted her to do (divorce, stay separated, try again?).
The next day she came to church and said she wasn't trying to keep me from Easter. I came over and was the most helpful gopher ever. There was about 20 people there. I followed up with a text the next that Easter was fun and she did a great job. She replied that she appreciated all my help. The next day was spring break and she went to the other state with S4 and D2.
Not much texting or talking on spring break. She didn't answer calls when I tried to talk to children. She sent a few pictures of kids but always later at night. I knew she had a job interview in other state and wondered to myself what she would do with kids. I was nervous all week thinking the worst with her and OM. I thought having kids there would make things difficult for them. She pushed off return date 2 times. She drove 12 hours straight to get home Sunday morning. I took the kids to church while she slept. She was gone when we got back.
You are very deep in the "this was all my fault" stage. The power of being there is that you find motivation to work on self-improvement.
On the other hand, you did not drive your wife to cheat on you -- she made that choice herself. Cheating is often driven by unhappiness and dissatisfaction, but all it requires is opportunity.
One thing that will need to be restored is your attractiveness to your W. Own your role in things, apologize when appropriate, but do not over-apologize. She's still lying to you right?
You need to be self-confident and independent right now, and you need to tread water while her feelings for OM run their course. Her infatuation is not about you -- you are a casualty.
Her feelings of guilt are forcing her to construct a narrative where you are the bad guy and drove her to this. Listen to what she says, validate how she feels, but don't buy into her fictions.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Accuray, I understand that it was my W choice to seek OM. At this point, she has only admitted that she likes the way OM makes her feel (EA). She has denied PA. To tell you the truth, we only ever talked about it once (at our last and final counseling session on 2/28). This was also the day our separation began.
She could be lying (or not). I am expecting the worst. At any rate, I am trying to not let her hurt me anymore. I will deal with my sins. I am trying to leave her sins between her and God. I am trying to live by the phrase "All have fallen short of the glory of God." In this respect, I cannot judge others because I have sinned. The flip side is that I do not have to feel inferior because everyone else has sinned too.
To tell the truth, we are at a very difficult stage right now. Last weekend, she invited me to hang out with her and the kids. For several weeks prior to that, she was only willing to talk about finances or the kids. It was a wonderful development to be a family for a few days. Last Tuesday, I called common friends to see if they wanted to hang out Saturday night. I thought it would be fun to have them over, but it would also be an opportunity to for W to join us if she liked. I texted W next day to see if she was busy Saturday. Friends also called W to tell her that I asked them to hang out. W got mad and said that I should stay away from her friends. She felt I was forcing her to hang out. Now we are back to conversations about finances and kids (barely).
I am trying to be as dim (yet polite and friendly) as possible. I believe I was impatient and probably wanted more than was given. I feel I need to be patient and wait for her to come to me. I also need to be content with what I have when those opportunities arise. And yes, it is kind of crummy and selfish for W to claim that I shouldn't talk to common friends. I don't think it is a fight worth having. It won't make things better with R.
I am working on being attractive. I lost 80 lbs since last May and started workout videos 3 weeks ago. I want to look ripped. I'm doing a good job of being happy all the time (when W is around) and having fun with the kids. I feel I've apologized enough for the past. I'm open to saying sorry if I screw up for something now. I haven't felt the need to say it in a few weeks. I'm GALing and moving my life forward (with or without her).
I would listen and validate how she feels, but she isn't really saying how she feels right now. She was packing for her week away from the house today. I saw she was crying and upset. I asked her if everything was all right. All I got back was dead silence. I moved on. I went outside and grilled my lunch. I figured she'd talk to me when she was ready. Might be awhile unfortunately.
I feel like I'm at the point in the R where I am waiting for the next opportunity like last weekend. In the meantime, I am focusing on GAL.
I like your insight. I'm sure it will come in handy.
