LBS-still hauling-3rd lap

[Dm45]

I haven't been on here since March 3. I was finding myself reading everyone else's stories could mess me up if not careful.

Some ups and downs:
I am working at grocery. Not much $ but lots of hours and mgr has asked me to do supervisor training already.

W and I visited 2 per week for a while.

I have been focusing on being a "source of safety" for her. No other discussions will profit until W is comfortable w/me again. She had begun to take notice.

ER trip for S16, (bad reaction to some cold med i gave him) which started latest setback...she's not here, he gets sick, she feels guilt, gets defensive/offensive, blames me, I defend...not a good cycle.

Then we got back on track, but a comment from someone in my family starts it again, but worse. She has since apologized for overreacting. I have been apologizing all along, and her last words to me were on Thursday: "I love you. Please give me space and time to heal and figure this out. I feel like the bad guy for asking" Again I reassured her I don't think she is a "bad guy".

Spiritually I have been dead. Attending church, playing music not in worship, or even obedience, but obligation to others on music team. I have been considering quitting both music and church. Thursday after seeing W I went directly to church and flung my keys and screamed at God and lay face down praying. After about half hour pastor came and prayed w/me for maybe another hour. That seemed to help a lot at least for a day.

Emotionally I am terrible. I have had 3 IC appts. 1st 2 felt useless. He was more confused than me, it seemed. This week was better. His advice? Back off, give her space...

I have zero motivation much of the time, even for things I enjoy still. ie music. Even for things that seemed to help a bit, this forum, pastor visits, friends, been avoiding all of it. I have 2 checks to deposit but don't want to. Filed extension on taxes for 1st time ever even though I know we'll get a refund. Odd thing is, at work they think I'm motivated and want to train me for mor responsibility...goes to show the state of our workforce these days.

Another comment from her Thursday: "We are 2 intelligent adults, it seems like we should be able to figure this out" (she may have also said "by now") my analysis: MAYBE she starts using different logic? Somehow I sense in her a desire to do right, yet afraid to because it will be hard or hurt.

Getting long here but...didn't like counseling at first, but he is very insightful: At last session he asked if W had a doting father. We hadn't ever discussed anyone's parents. The answer to that is a resounding YES. FIL was a doter. His LLs were definitely gifts and acts of service. C commented that W may have never really had to learn to express her needs as a child and thats why unmet needs turned to resentment rather than being expressed. Interesting.

I have avoided contact with ppl who I perceive think W should "get her act together", or that I should "get a life", (not in the DB sense) or "move on" because that doesn't help AT ALL.

I am amazed at the pain I can take yet still find a thread of hope each day.

I've missed this place please respond.