I haven't been on here since March 3. I was finding myself reading everyone else's stories could mess me up if not careful.
Some ups and downs: I am working at grocery. Not much $ but lots of hours and mgr has asked me to do supervisor training already.
W and I visited 2 per week for a while.
I have been focusing on being a "source of safety" for her. No other discussions will profit until W is comfortable w/me again. She had begun to take notice.
ER trip for S16, (bad reaction to some cold med i gave him) which started latest setback...she's not here, he gets sick, she feels guilt, gets defensive/offensive, blames me, I defend...not a good cycle.
Then we got back on track, but a comment from someone in my family starts it again, but worse. She has since apologized for overreacting. I have been apologizing all along, and her last words to me were on Thursday: "I love you. Please give me space and time to heal and figure this out. I feel like the bad guy for asking" Again I reassured her I don't think she is a "bad guy".
Spiritually I have been dead. Attending church, playing music not in worship, or even obedience, but obligation to others on music team. I have been considering quitting both music and church. Thursday after seeing W I went directly to church and flung my keys and screamed at God and lay face down praying. After about half hour pastor came and prayed w/me for maybe another hour. That seemed to help a lot at least for a day.
Emotionally I am terrible. I have had 3 IC appts. 1st 2 felt useless. He was more confused than me, it seemed. This week was better. His advice? Back off, give her space...
I have zero motivation much of the time, even for things I enjoy still. ie music. Even for things that seemed to help a bit, this forum, pastor visits, friends, been avoiding all of it. I have 2 checks to deposit but don't want to. Filed extension on taxes for 1st time ever even though I know we'll get a refund. Odd thing is, at work they think I'm motivated and want to train me for mor responsibility...goes to show the state of our workforce these days.
Another comment from her Thursday: "We are 2 intelligent adults, it seems like we should be able to figure this out" (she may have also said "by now") my analysis: MAYBE she starts using different logic? Somehow I sense in her a desire to do right, yet afraid to because it will be hard or hurt.
Getting long here but...didn't like counseling at first, but he is very insightful: At last session he asked if W had a doting father. We hadn't ever discussed anyone's parents. The answer to that is a resounding YES. FIL was a doter. His LLs were definitely gifts and acts of service. C commented that W may have never really had to learn to express her needs as a child and thats why unmet needs turned to resentment rather than being expressed. Interesting.
I have avoided contact with ppl who I perceive think W should "get her act together", or that I should "get a life", (not in the DB sense) or "move on" because that doesn't help AT ALL.
I am amazed at the pain I can take yet still find a thread of hope each day.
I've missed this place please respond.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
She needs time, she's told you that on many occasions. If you love her, let her have the time she needs.
You sound depressed. Do some things you don't want to do. Get outside everyday, exercise, meditate or pray, whatever you prefer. Volunteer somewhere, put the focus on others. Be happy that your employer likes you and wants to promote you.
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Odd thing is, at work they think I'm motivated and want to train me for mor responsibility...goes to show the state of our workforce these days.
Do you see how you turned a compliment into a negative? That thinking will get you nowhere fast.
I think you're becoming more the man she left rather than less.
Would you agree?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Not more the man she left, I hope. Working. Striving to be comfortable to be around. Which means not judging. Not pressuring.
At this point I don't know when we'll see each other or even have contact again. Trying to leave that up to her. Though I get more fearful each day we don't speak.
Hoping to address that more in C this week.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Went to church. Eating soup w/MIL & SIL. (they are neighbors and we never talk about W) Maybe reading, which might turn into a catnap. Was considering park but it's chilly. A 5 hr shift at 3:30 at grocery. (I'm on eastern time)
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
So going on 7 days no contact. Had C on Tuesday. Explored why I worry or ruminate so much. My answer was its the only thing I come up with to "do". Although I have had some hours lately where I'm not worrying or ruminating. But also have had times of panic, grief, rage. Worse than when we were seeing each other every week. We discussed that the worrying is not doing anything productive. Wondering if my times of calm are not times of calm but burying the emotions only to compound later.
I worked an overnight, and just woke up 30 minutes ago with the anxiety feeling in my stomach. I don't know what this long stretch of no contact "means".
I want to contact W, and am afraid to. Struggling to accept that this long break can help.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Went ahead and contacted W because S16 did not come home from school and did not tell me he went to friend's and would not answer phone or text from me. He has done this twice before recently, giving me this attitude. I don't know why he's angry at me, I'm the one who cooks and cleans for him and is here for him. W is able to get him to answer and say where he is.
After that I just asked "How've you been?" she said "fair"' then several minutes later "You?" I said same, I guess. By that time I was at my business, and said "students are arriving, got 2 go teach. Love to see you soon." she only said "have a good evening"
Did not push to see her. Giving space? I've been known to almost insist.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Today, even keel. 8hr shift. My boys were out doing their thing, so I went to bro's house, sat in sun for a while, told him I am asking family not to try to contact W because it isa setback every time. (3 that I know of. Don't remember if I mentioned here.)
Treated my self for dinner to a sandwich and a beer at a new restaurant. Chatty with other patrons. Music practice. Now to bore my self to sleep ASAP as I start work at 4am tomorrow and work all midnights next week.
Brief exchange w/W about S16 troubles. Invited her to lunch Sunday. She said maybe. I let the maybe sit. 180. I hate being told maybe.
Today I think I was detached. Hope I can maintain for a few days, especially w/midnight shifts and exhaustion coming up.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Had one episode where if I were alone I would have been weeping. The music in the store is sappy romantic type stuff most of the time, and the early hours of the morning with no customers...
Now I'm ok. Back to work at midnight.
Still ok with the "maybe". I don't like maybe because it means no. Need to brace myself for that no and stay detached.
Saw D briefly today. She landed a job in DC making twice what I'm making. Proud of that girl. Need to get myself stronger so I can get a real job.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Saw OM at hardware store. He nodded at me as if in greeting. I said "What's up, [censored]?" and walked out. Then I followed him home.
He was driving my W's car.
So much for being detached.
I am fearful, as always, this is the "last straw" for her.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
