Crazy little thing called MLC

[AJM]

I think you handled that very well.
Somethings to consider:

Too often I feel like nothing is right and it makes me want to run and give up. I dont know how I'd manage without the friendships here.

That's why they always say over and over again that MLC is not for the faint of heart. It's a long and difficult journey. You are not alone in this, and many have walked in your shoes in the past. It's not easy and often people don't talk about it after the fact. I hate that they don't, but it is what it is. It's also why this board is so valuable. We get it and we want you to be the best you can be.

The other thing to think about is that you had a GREAT conversation with him. But now you'll need to let it sink in. There is no time line for how long it will rattle around in his grape before falling into a place he can figure it out and understand it. But you've planted the seed and did so very honestly and very well. That is commendable especially in your situation and at this time in your lives.

At some point, you'll have to forgive him. As a Christian, you're called to do so. I know from my own situation that's a very hard and murky path. But there is tremendous value in doing so for you both. No matter what happens and what he says, work towards that. You don't need him, to forgive him (seems counter-intuitive, I know). But he needs it and so do you. He seems to need it more than anyone at this point if you ask me. He's not dealing with his guilt and shame very well.

For what it's worth, I saw similar with my ex. Before she decided everything was my fault, she felt horrible. Then she decided it was my fault and became horrible Early on she apologized and looked for reasons why she was acting and feeling that way. Doctors etc. She couldn't live with it anymore (I was worried she would kill herself at the time and took action - ouch) and she decided it was my fault she was unhappy. From what I see she is still, many years later, dealing with the guilt and trying to understand things while also going through whatever she is going through. I don't talk to her (it's better for me that way), but that doesn't stop her from trying to tell me things. She is trying to dump her anger on me and justify her actions. Still. She is trying to blame me by calling me all kinds of things and diagnosing me with all kinds of psychological maladies. Just before she married the OM she told me she doesn't want forgiveness. She tries hard to tell me how happy she is now, especially when she doesn't get what she wants. I see it for what it is. When somebody who doesn't know you diagnoses you with mental issues, you have to really wonder ya know?

Guilt and forgiveness are a heavy burden. One that many people carry for years and years. Our prisons are full of people like that. It'll make people crazy or act crazy at any rate.

At some point you'll need to figure out how to forgive. No matter if he comes home or leaves. For what it's worth, I think he wants to come home, but doesn't seem to know how. And doesn't seem to be done "baking" yet either. But seems he is also struggling with intense guilt for what he's done. He just isn't ready to face it yet. What you did was let him know you see it and that you are willing to work through it. I can assure you that he will be harder on himself than you can ever be and that may be more frightening than anything. It's what leads to MLCr's blaming those closest if you ask me. You he can walk away from him(so he thinks; that's not realistic because of the kids) but he has himself to look at for the rest of his life.

He's going to learn a very harsh and valuable lesson. The value of forgiveness and where it comes from and why it is so important. I think that's an important lesson and one that leads to the way out for him.

As the song says, "So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains. And we never even know we have the key."

Be patient. Let God work as He works and trust. You can't change him, but you can forgive him. He will have to do the rest and you can't take that burden on. He already knows you love him and he already knows he messed things up. He may not know why yet, or what led him to do that. You can't do that work for him.


Peace,
AJ