''If you know you're on a path that will lead you to greater and greater happiness, you will experience some peace because you have hope for your future.''
Hey, Nero, lets help each other remember this is the better path and too stay moving forward. If our H's really want us in their life, they'll know where to find us. We're not that mysterious, but we can get ourselves on a path for greater happiness. It doesn't have to mean we close the door to H, it just means he's going to have to do the walking through!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
ya know- i sure wish i had a clue or a "good feeling" about h or sitch or something to spark me on today. i hear you- i am bogged down feeling my sitch will never change no matter what i feel or do or change about me. - and even tho i'm telling myself gal- and nothing in life is final (except death) and that if love wants to find me i don't have to be single or alone or anything other than alive- if it's there for me- it will happen. (i'm just tired)
i went for interview today with superintendent of schools. went good i think- we chatted & laughed and he seems nice. my certificate will be approved next week- he said who knows, I may get a call next day. so that would be something interesting- busy & productive - rite???
am cautiously optimistic. it's something- it's out of the house- it's a foot in (possibly) a new sort of door (profession/world.) not as good pay as legal secretary- but got to be less stress & no attorneys (yay). scaggy lot. so anyway- it's something ($$) and it's forward. i can always panic about finding a better job & paying job when/if i need to get a mortgage and buy this house because we split. who knows - maybe i'll love it and it'll love me and turn into something fulltime or a real job- one never knows.
visited my mom on way home - she was rather more humble than usual- that's bad too. then i feel sorry like mad. poor old thing- she kept asking me if someone was coming to visit tonite. little does she know huh? NO BODY does - no body except me. i would be IT. I HATE saying no. nobody gives a darn ma- it's sad and depressing. we ate some stuff she had around - she really is getting kind of clueless and needed me to fix it and serve it up . she does seem to eat on her own- i'm not sure what is what with that.
i've been saying for years and years i have to quit this guilt and obligation stuff. i do not know how you do it- maybe the guilt is merely conscience and the "little voice" that keeps us doing what is right in life rather than just spending a lifetime doing what is only fun & pleasing for us. . i don't know-
i'm quite a whining jerk rite now- so i'll go do somethig productive like eat a bowl of cereal or something.
i hope things are still on an upswing for you dawn- i'll go see your thread and see if anything is up. i hope there's peace in your house today.
maybe this will begone when i wake up tomorrow. slept well last two nites - go figure!!
okay i'm outta here- i'm not sure what my path is- i'd say im moving forward but not liking it so much. i have no faith in h that he would ever EVER bother to find my new door. oh well huh? saying that out loud- nothing more to say i guess.
sad to come to this - so little faith in this person i cared for so darn much-
Morning Nero, Congrats on the job! It will be a nice change, and H will see you are a person seperate of him and his junk. There is nothing to say about mom, my mom was such a disappointment I would be better advising you on slugs. Just love her I guess! I'm not going up hill, at least not at any pace worth celebrating. I have only been able to learn to free my mind of H, mostly, more than ever. But, it does help that I don't want to give him my second yrs of life, I do want someone else who will want to be there for me.
I don't know why H wants to be here, it's not me, it's not the kids, but maybe it is, what else would it be, it can't just be a place to live, can it? Bricks and mortar, could that be all it is? That's why I need more.
I bought curtains that are to long so I will be spending the day with the sewing machine, yea me, have a good day, I will check back in later!
Marcus Aurelius: "The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are."
H ran away from our troubles. I stood & dealt with them & the additional ones he caused.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
i'm here - was in your thread - ran out to sisters & to get some bread for mom- came back - posted , THEN realized you'd made a newer post- oiy- i am allover the place today.
Quote:
Marcus Aurelius: "The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are."
hey - i like it. good ole marcus - - - it's taken me quite a long time to look things in the face for what they are. maybe i still don't - and that's what i'm doing here at all. ya ever wonder???? if in our zeal to be who we are- we "hang on" long after the party was over? i wonder daily- when i "look things in the face" - i'm not sure if i'm seeing the face, a mask, plastic surgery enhanced or what?????..... you know- like james bond where the face is the same , BUT attached to the bad guy now-
hey - i like that, i thnk that is my sitch entirely - false identity
THO - DAILY ALSO (I guess) i consider 37 years of something i viewed as good and the best thing in my life worth some bother & fighting for). ALSO DAILY tho- i think i may be barking up the wrong tree entirely-
me - - - awaiting clarity as usual. my new life's activity?
you had quite a nite- sorry about that. yay curtains - i brought some down from attic yesterday that i need to iron & make a change too - funny huh - similar theme here- CURTAINS.
THOSE DARN CURTAINS.
WHY THEY STAY - HONEstly dawn- if you or i had certainty about that- we'd be done & free or done & shackled & happy.
i think it's a combination of things. old aunt of h says we're their "rock" whatever that means. wtf - like when the tide comes in they can stand on our head and be above the troubles? or water???
i've got issues with that notion- who is my rock? h talks like he'd be there for me if i were to get in a car crash- how the heck would that work since he's 1,500 miles away - or however far it is. i would die and he could never get here.
he tells me about helping a friend with moving furniture- getting car repaired - i do it alone. nobody to call- just me.
since my h has waaaaaaay more freedom than yours when it comes to "staying" in my life - in touch - in somekind of (a stinky) r with me - i think it's a complicated call.
i think even they don't know what the heck they are doing- if i'm honest. they want it all - THEY WANT IT ALL AND THINK THEY DESERVE IT ALL.
THEY WANt the familiarity of "their home" - the person they are accustomed to "being there" for them allllll their adult life (sadly- as a mate or a mother????? - the fifty million dollar question).
your h probably can't face packing up his junk & finding a place to move to. (and why should he - (his ? to self)
they want stability AND yet they want freedom
they want us - and they want excitement of new r and new romance and sex and alllllllll the fun junk in life that makes ya feel real good
they can shut off conscience & brain & values long enough to 'HAVE IT ALL. THEY ARE SELFISH CHILDREN- who grab first and ask questions later.
we're either understanding women/adults - or stinking enablers & doting parents?
not sure abut that- but a thought that occurs. we've spoiled them because our love is complete and unquestioning-----
they don't think WE WOULD EVER EVER EVER chuck them over our shoulder (they don't ever realize how close they are coming)
even when i say out loud to people how i truly fgeel- they say (everyone - across the board) '"OH , YOU NEVER WOULD DO THAT" AND THEY KNOW IT - H , mother, etc.
not a soul alive believes i would be so tough, self-preserving- forceful- nice huh?
that kindness & lack of competitive nature makes us seem soooo wimpie & doormatish to everyone alive. LET ME REVISE THAT- I DON'T THINK it's uncomplimentary mostly- people TRULY BELIEVE WE'RE "BETTER THAN" THAT. ANY PETTY emotion taking control of us- they bank on us rising above it all and being - WHAT???? wise? forgiving? just? understanding? til our eyes bleed. just forever til the opposition actually kills us- we go down saying "bless you my son?"
apparently so- we should be flattered that people see us as such amazingly un-realistically "good" people. what a bunch of crappola (my fav.)
anyway- i'm going to go rake- this is making me tired and seems pointless -
but i'd say that's what he's doing there- he's afraid to let go of his home, life, family, reality, your goodness & strength- like it can somehow rub off or help him or save him or whatever. i don't know what they want with gals like us- we're EVERYTHING they are not- and don't even try to be because 'WAAAAAAHHHHHHH - IT'S SOOOOOOOO HARDDDDDDD TO BE GOOD.
THEY'RE baby crudballs- and we're not. we're like "real" life-
so- didn't answer much did it? i'm not rereading this junk and sorry i got rambling and on a roll - hope one anything made sense-
xxoo it's spring- we willllllll rise again- (much like the south (gulp) - i have the feeling. no matter how grim or pointless or hopeless it allllll seems today- with these guys - somehow our inner "girlness" will yank us out and we'll move on - with or without- and have some kind of new worthwhile life becasue we're willing to work at it- give - "sign up" become invested, i don't know. it's got to matter - don't you think - in the end????
i guess i still think so- as ye sow - so shall ye reap.
just looking up at last post- what a big whiner i was/am. oh well - vent central.
hope you all don't judge me too harshly. believe it or not i'm waaay better than a couple years ago- what? sound like i have a way to go- i know. im just tired and getting really sick of feelin bad in general and about self & sitch.
i just have lost my point & vision lately- maybe my "lite" is goin out for this h.?? being by my self just stinks and makes me think "for what????" i don't know how people do it when they are separated for real. three weeks and i'm maxing out- i mean really - get in or get out of my life.
i can gal til the cows come home - who sees it and what does it matter. oh well- i know you can't find/rush or change things when it comes to "love" - it just has to happen. this woman hopes some day it does again- seems like a very dull life stretching out before me without some love in the mix.
mini "pit of despair" tonite- this too shall pass i hope.
glad db land is out there- touch, with someone... SEE WHAT I MEAN- WHINE WHINE WHINE
GOING OUT TO WALK WITH BUDDY- A HUMAN so i'm being a baby tonite- wah wah
eeeek- root canal - i think the dentist was my BIGGEST childhood fear of all. no kidding- would worry for weeks in advance.
thank goodness i'm old and have a credit card and know allll bout novicane. load me up please
i do feel soooo "done" today - my usual now. you would die- walking last nite- friend and i picked thru a giant pile of really interesting "garbage" and there on bottom of box was a little stqin glass lighthouse nite lite- i took it home - thought my mom- it was cape hatteras - we went as kids.
so plugged it in kitchin window to see if workd and forgot about it- theni see this little blinking from corner of my eye- it was soo cute - blinking away liike a real one
some message? or just a cute darn lite
gotta blow & go see my mothr- poor old thing thinks "the kids" are coming home and will want supper-
i hope your root canal goes okay- or went okay. i can't even imagine- even now, as an adult - i kind of have a horror of the dentist - someone digging around in my brain i guess. -eeeek
PROBABLY - IF YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD TODAY and your H is at peace with the universe - DO NOT PROCEED FURTHER. IT'S usual sort of junk- so go be happy and thank you- drive thru please.
your cold cozy nite actually sounded good to me. we've been having days that are warmer than i'd like. after-shock of 30+ years in stupid ole florida where NOTHING EVER CHANGES _ YOU ARE HOT every day and then hot every other day- winter and summer - allllllllllllllllllllllllllll the same til you die of boredom - whew - i don't look forward to summer. cold makes me move & feel perky. oh well- they will come, won't they- the seasons. have to love it the way things just keep grinding forward no matter what the heck if going on in little lives of little people - entire universe keeps spinning & moving -
don't know if i like being a mere speck of dust in the universe - tho, i guess there's no choice there huh? we all are - - just a gazillion fragile little people trying to be happy today huh? (well - not sad anyway)
oh man- i am such a sap about the litehouse. upon reflection- after a lousy nite - i'd say my litehouse is being bashed by the waves and there's just a last little bit of roof standing above the water. my wires are wet & sputtering - it's in very serious danger of goin down dawn-
i keep wondering if i'll be able to bite it all back when/if we chat on the phone- or if i'll just out with it one of these days - and very nicely say "just stay there and don't come here on wednesday and quit screwing with my life".
after 3 weeks on my own- i can go about my days and i can sleep better a bit- and i can keep myself busy - but i suspect as long as this person is in my life and planning to show up at some appointed time - there will always be the "wtf" thing going on in the background of my day to day life & mind. don't you feel the same? that no matter what the heck you're doing or being- you're still somehow "tied" til you just cut that d@mn tie?
i can't figure if it's a beneficial thing that he comes here- or just me being a giant jerk rolling with it. what do you think you would be doing in my shoes? the same thing? riding along with it all and not making any waves? i guess db says do just that huh? act as if and keep all the junk inside. MAYBE I'D BETTER GO READ THE BOOK AGAIN. I GUESS i answered my own question if i'm still applying mwd theories here.
do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you didn't stumble on that book? wouldja be here rite now in your current life? think we'd do the same thing by instinct (i know 2 separate woman who have)
something like that? i know just embracing the "worst case scenario" probably isn't a really good solution/answer to my angst. But IT IS SOMETHING>.....
(OH MAN- i sound like my mother's stinking attitude in life. (or maybe good attitude - don't know) Just don't waiver - don't think - don't agonize - just get on with it- DO SOMETHING - GOOD OR bad - doesn't matter much- just do it... any action is better than nothing.
ya gotta wonder - is it?
I hear your "detachment" and willingness to let him move out-
then i hear your pain when he's on a roll and spewing and how it hurts you -
i wonder really if the man i loved ever really existed. (me not in agony )- just intellectually now - the pain is waaay less - but i guess that's what will decide me - the final call.
i keep thinking of mr bond or someone on this forum - saying to me at the beginning , that we signed up for "better or worse" and then i feel like i've got some kind of stamina-commitment-"poor sort of love" - thing going on that i'm getting to a point of packing it in. i do see h as a person dying of some terminal disease - and i'm about giving up on him ever haveing a rally or cure. i'm just letting him go without a fight- not that there's anything i could do to fight it- WHATTYA SAY - good or bad attitude? you know me- no strategy - and no faith in strategy - so no idea wtf about it all.
honestly- i cannot imagine people who spend a lifetime sacraficing themselves so whoever they love can "be happy" with someone else. $crew that - i want happiness too. somehow - some way - we all deserve it - not just a few ruthless people who just push forward grabbing it...
i'm not that person. he does not deserve happiness any more than me- and he's getting way more apparently.
so - i'm askin ya -
the bottom line:
who is more to "blame" - (DON'T WE LOVE ASSIGNING BLAME?) ME FOR even coming up here to nj and not being in his face every single minute of the day (a giant mistake apparently - to believe & trust him to be alone & ok with it!!!) or him for keeping these old ow in his life always (apparently) in one way or another against the day he "needed" them . like last few years it seems - you know, to perk up his dull & boring (normal old ) life.....?????????
i'm gonna be exotic and say rite now i hate him - it felt good- wonder if i do and wish it were that simple - oh well-
now, off to have a good day and quit crying in my soup here - =BUTCH UP & SUCK IT UP HUH?????? it just needed to come out - saving own brain or self-indulgence? can you tell i have a mother that never tolerated any weakness????? i feel guilty feeling for what the heck i feel - inside(hidden) even- cripes! neurosis central....
''and very nicely say "just stay there and don't come here on wednesday and quit screwing with my life".''
Ask him point blank, why do you come up here to NJ, why? If he says it's for you, say WHY? I would make him (after all this time) admit to something, make him say what he want's from you!
I would push him, but that's me, because I would not keep letting him skate by, but that's me. it's time to put some stuff on the table. I'm in a real "finale" mood! Why can't we make a wave sometimes, they will just keep living as is if they think we're so agreeable.
I do go along with it, but inside when he speaks to me I am screaming, GET THE F**** OUT OF MY LIFE YOU F*** CRAZY MAN, I'M SO SICK OF YOUR FACE! That is for NOT-H! If my H is somewhere in there still hoping I will L him or keep up the good fight, then so be it!
I know for a fact my H is not having a wonderful time. He is living in such regret for the choices he didn't make regarding work that it is eating him alive. IT's a domino effect, had he made these choice w/work and school, he would have provided for us better, therefore not be a 53yr old looser (to himself). SO it's easier to say "Im sick of being stuck w/this family" because we remind him of his failures, rather than face life and move forward (weak a$$ SOB can't do that).
Weak men don't take control and grow up, they succumb to the looser they think they are. The key would be to stop seeing one's self as a looser and be thankful for the life they have, and understand there is no point in living in regret. But, if he could do that he wouldn't be in MLC.
Your guy having had a side-kick all this time, well, I think it suxs and it shows he needed a parachute throughout your R, why? Why did he not commit to you, maybe it was mutual, or did you go with his flow, did you ask to M, these are things for you to think about.
My H would say that an ea/ow was someone to talk to about the crazy stuff in his head he didn't want brought into our home. I don't know I have read women here say ea/ow can have that crazy part of H right now, I wouldn't want it. But, Nero is there a future w/your h knowing that he has always needed that.
It's like he's flipped the switch and now your the one he keeps on hold, and has a R with ow, but he is not committed, living w/her, joint ownership, nothing tangible in real life like he did/does with you. Is he testing the water on the other side of the shore? ow held on all these yrs, maybe he thinks you will. But, you had/have more invested, like your life, she obviously has a separate life from your h that kept her satisfied with a part time R.
Are you share girl? Are you wait around for H to decide your life girl? Come on Nero?
If your anything like me your missing the R, L and touch, attention, and all that is not H exclusive! HE's just all we've known for a long time.
Don't you regret asking my opinion now, lol? Can you talk to him like a friend on the couch one on one, no anger, just showing him your strength and intelligence? They like that these backward MLCers!
DO what you deserve and makes you feel right!
<3 dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
