Well, I had a long conversation with my wife yesterday before work. I don’t suppose the exact details of the conversation are important here (though they are too me) so I’ll try to summarize what came out of it. Then I’ll try to explain where I’m at afterwards. 1) Wife was giving serious indications that she wanted to talk, so I initiated conversation. 2) Told wife, very gently, calmly, and non-confrontationally how I felt, what I wanted, and where I was in my healing process. Told wife that I would be there for her, no matter what; that if in the end she decided to go, I would face it, and be supportive. No mention of DB/DR… 3) Wife clearly stated that she was emotionally all over the place; that she was not happy with the situation or separation. Made no comments about reconciling, but showed it in body language, expression, etc. I did NOT push this at all, or anything else really for that matter. 4) This one is hard to get out of my head…wife commented that she had ‘effed up’, and couldn’t understand why I would even want her back. I told her I didn’t need an excuse to love her, that my love was unconditional (it truly is, even if it’s hard at times to face what that may mean), and that I would be there for her. 5) Conversation in whole was about an hour and a half. When time for me to leave for work, I simply said I had to go to work, and that I hoped she had a good day. As I walked away, she stopped me, gave me a long, beautiful hug, and said “I’ll see you later.” 6) When I came home from work, my wife was there. Conversation that afternoon mostly revolved around graduation plans for my son, how her day had gone, what she was going to do for the weekend, etc. At the end of the conversation, before she left, she told me “this morning, what you said, you didn’t mess up…you’re all right…” Now on to where I’m at with this. Of course I’m elated. I was on cloud nine all day, despite trying to remind myself not to over react. I’m very happy with the conversation, but I understand that it may in the end mean very little. I want to doubt that thought, because my wife is very honest and sincere, but I understand that her state of mind is cycling all over the place right now. No matter what, I feel like this is all progress in a good direction, and it feels good. I just keep trying to remind myself not to develop any expectations about this, but I need to keep the positive momentum. In the end, I guess I just need to give her (lots) more time to let these feelings develop… Anyways, afterwards, I helped a friend with some work he’s doing on his home, then went out for pizza and beer. It was my first solo outing that wasn’t a disaster. It felt good, and for a while there I almost felt ‘normal’…but I just can’t shake that feeling that someone is missing… Cleaning house today…hope that takes a while…weird, never really thought that it would be better if my chores actually took longer.
