I had a huge breakdown last night. Middle of the night I woke up terribly sad and lonely. H found me in the kitchen crying. I talked to him a little about feeling very discouraged and lonely. Goodness knows how much sense I made, or how he took it.
We had a brief chat about our C today and about whether or not we could talk about our former spouses. We talked a little about our concerns about the C. We didn't seem to be relating with each other's concerns about her, but we didn't have much time to flesh it out either. I think we need to talk about it some more.
I called him over my lunch break today, just because I felt like hearing a friendly voice. H asked me to join him for lunch, but I declined. We chatted about Valentine's Day and the weather and television shows and dinner. He seemed very concerned about me when I got off the phone. He asked me if I'd talked about what I wanted. When I told him I had just wanted to talk to someone he was still a little unsure.
I think that H and I are the only people who really want our marriage to work. Not that everyone wants us to fail, but they don't seem to want us to take the time it will take to figure these things out. They want everything to be fixed one way or the other, right now. They want the bad guys to be bad, the good guys to be good and the marriage to over or in bliss.
Obviously I'm not going to live my life to suit other people, but it's a lonely situation to be in. I think I have cut myself off from many people, just because of their lack of understanding. I have a few family and friends (a blessedly rare few) who have flat out told me to dump my H, because he's been bad to me. (Guess I'm just perfect.) I have a few family and friends who are eager to see everything bright and sunshiney between my H and I. (Not gonna happen anytime soon.)
It seems like the only people, among my social circle, who have shown any real interest in the reconciliation process are those who have a perverse interest in getting the dirt. As a true DBer, I avoid telling anyone much of anything; which is good since I've come to suspect that some of them are feeding a smug sense of superiority with just the knowledge that my marriage isn't perfect. Grrrr...
Seems like the only person who is truly in this with me is the one person I have the hardest time talking to.
