Hoper1's story..

[job]

Some counselors are good, but they do not know the law when it comes to divorce and leaving the home. I would adhere to what your lawyer has told you, i.e., stay put. If your h wants out, he can pack his stuff up and move out.

All he's thinking about his himself and the fun and lack of responsibilities he will have once you and the marriage are gone. He's going to be very surprised when reality hits him if he should follow through w/a divorce. He's not going to be able to play in the sandbox forever and reality, or should I say, the normal day-to-day routine will resurface. As for the ow, she's nothing but a band aid for his wound. Let her have him for a while and listen to his moaning and groaning about having to support you and your children. A house built on sand will not last very long.

Keep the focus on you and what you need to survive.

[mizjjd]

Sorry you're in the pits hoper

You have strengths you haven't even begun to tap into yet, you will get through this.

I wondered, is there a reason you don't block her from your FB?

[AJM]

Both Snodderly and Mizjd are quite right. If he wants to leave, help him pack. I've been there, and I'm glad I did similar all these years later.

And block her from FB. And him. That's not worth the distraction. It offers you no value and no help and will only hold you back.

It seems counter-intuitive. It really does. But I can tell you it will help you tremendously to do those things. You'll see it later on, but for now trust us here on the boards.

Peace,
AJ

[hoper]

Hi,

Thanks for stopping by Snodderly..The objectivity that you inject into this is always priceless..

AJ - Happy to see you here..your posts too as always cut across the emotional fog that we LBS wrap ourselves sometimes by choice and sometimes by compulsion.. Thanks for your input

Msjj and AJ .. Yes somehow managing the 180's and the DB'in g but the OW remains a sorepoint for me..One reason for not unfriending is that i dont want them to know that i am aware (part DB but mostly to keep an eye on their next move) embarrassing though i feel they will further cover up if i block them now..
I have just stopped commenting on her posts , which i used to..on her sons pics, her business achievements and so forth..Trying to subtly get across the same.. dont think it has worked though..

Journaling..
Well he got back from his trip to find me and S cycling around the neighborhood..This DBing always works as i have read across the various posts..He generally was chatty..
also i guess we had hit the bottom of the roller coaster so had to go a bit up..
Had a good Sunday.. we played scrabble with S , H generally chatting a lot, initiating conversation ( cranked up the guilt level??) ,
Well back to Darth vader on monday.. his moustache makes him so unattractive..along with his outlook ..gloomy , dark and miserable..unfortunately all this yet rubs off on me ..

A funny thing happened .. i was miserable so stood by his bed when he was sleeping and was staring at him.. He opened his eyes and was startled..WHAT HAPPENED he asked, i said nothing just wanted a hug.. oh ok i know a major back slide but could not resist..

Well now he wants go for a short vacation only for S sake and then wants me to visit my sister for a longer one to generally get an objective view..The counselor believes it will do me some good atleast..
I am not so comfortable with this..Told him will think about it..

MLC Funnies ??..
Will stare at our pet fish so long as if expecting it to give all answers to the crazy questions he has put before us..
Will take one whole minute to answer any question relating to food..will you have this now ?? "Hmm i had that in the morning so this i can have for dinner i guess.. not a problem.."(to a homecooked fresh hot mesl )

NOT A PROBLEM???? My 180 's include a whole load of cooking as i know he loves food.. I had that slide over the years so though not sure it qualifies as a DB , just taking this as a 180..

W

[hoper]

Hello,


Journaling...

So after h decided s needs a vacation and I relented we have started to plan for one..
He suggested I visit my sis after we spend our family vacation as c advised..
I told me will visit my sis prior to family vacation and join him with s later..

Did not understand his irritation with the suggestion ,. However as I have apprehensions of him locking me out ( nothing to suggest really ) so want to arrive back with him..

I will be traveling exactly one year post BD .. Ironic.. Last year when I was completely blindsided never imagined how crazy the year would get.. Whenever I hit rock bottom it did manage to get worse.. Though am standing one year thereon.. Can't say what the future holds for me..

H is stepped up his interest is s .. Boredom, guilt.. No idea what.. Is this a guilt induced vacation ? Is he planning one with ow? No idea but can't stop the wondering..
Gal includes learning to play piano, biking find both these calming and soothing.Met 2 of my friends who know about my sit.. Good fun.. Generally did some male bashing..M is tough no matter what..

S really keeps the fun and the funny quotient high.. Do wonder whether God gave me this miracle to weather all storms..feel truly blessed.

He can start dancing to any music literally anywhere .. On the road .. Though cant dance to save his life but will dance..

Also thankfully h has losT his moustache .. Overall a less anxious week.. Managed to put away the sadness too..
Cheers..

[Portia]

Hi Hoper!

Thanks so much for the hug on B's thread.

Isn't it strange how fast a year can go by? I don't know about you but I find myself thinking l the time "at this time last year...." I am not quite at a year just yet from BD but about this time last year is when he started seeing his current girlfriend and at the same time planning our annual new year trip. We never did end up going.

I do not know if this will help at all but maybe you can use the trip to DB a bit. Use it as a break. I know how hard that might be but sometimes positive thinking can be a good thing.

Take care and hugs back to you!!

[hoper]

Hey Portia thanks so much for the cheer..

Well vacation plans still on..
H very cheery and chatty with S ..making plans, i ternary asks me to look up stuff..
Sometimes cant help staring at him wondering whether he is making plans with OW when i am away at my sis..He was very weird about me going to visit my sis only after the family(?)vacation .. i should proceed to my sis and then he comes away home ..

Just because he was being so funny i told him my sis is busy that week and so now finally i visit my sis with S , we meet H for a vacation and then come back home together.

Whenever C has asked why wont he work on M says he has been hurt .. does not want to be hurt again ..the last time he did say he will try to her ..
However we talk only of vacation, S .. thankfully S has many mad stories to be shared and with the little time we spend together it does not seem awkward..
Last morning when i was packing his lunch he mentioned he was not going to be home for dinner..
Did not look at me while saying this so my antenna goes up..

Of course FB update of OW (sorry Ms J and AJ) says she is in town..find a bill of a very fancy place in his wallet.
(sorry fellow Dbers.. deeply embarrassed but yet not GAL i guess!!)

It really hurts to know he wanted me to change the travel dates citing a measly discount on the certain other days but blows away a fortune on OW.. The lady needs to be impressed....

I remember mentioning wanting to visit this place.. it hurts that if the future gets us together will now wont ever be able to visit this place ...

Regarding DBing on vacation..he has mentioned wanting to catch with a friend , going pubbing .. since S wont be allowed we 2 are supposed to be waiting in the room for him.. I plan to print out a list of pubs with directions and links for him ..SInce he is trying to b me want to DB him back..

Suggestions welcome..

I do follow a whole lot of threads and cant thank the people here enough.. wishing , hoping, praying for , guiding the others here..There is a whole lot of pain here but the vets and so many others have made it a beautiful place to stop by , wipe a tear and have a laugh..Thankyou..

[hoper]

Update

The vacation plan is on...

I think h dropped bomb no 5 or 6 on me ... I had an appt scheduled with the counselor , h asks whether he too can come along . I agree...as apparently the last thing he had told c that he will try to work on the marriage..

I did not really take this seriously as he the following day had sent me a text saying he would like to take s alone for a vacation.. I did not reply to the text..
He did not mention it subsequently..

Over to the current appointment( post final holiday plans )with c , h tells her to tell me that I should have no hopes with regards to this vacation..and that he is doing this vacation only for s.. This is after I told c in front of him that I am just taking one day at a time and not looking into the future..

I really do not understand the need for him to do this.. He has pretty much done the bookings himself.. No r talk, no indication from my side regarding any expectations..

a couple of days later he suggests we shop together for the vacation ^ ^
-

He also told c that he is severely stressed about his job.. Investment bankers are really finding it tough to survive..
He said he is no frame of mind to decide on anything.. He told her..

Never before have I reacted so casually at his work stress..his Mlc has changed me in many ways....

So we will vacation .. Him with his job threat.. Me with ow threat ( am positive sudden work will come up in ow city when s and I are away at my sis)..

Though s really very excited .. Hoping to read Db again at my sis..

Ps- new 180 for me , went for a late night movie show all alone.. Shocked him..asked me many questions regarding it!! Can't say I enjoyed the movie more or his startled reaction ..

Cheers

[hoper]

Hello,

The vacation was good and a bit sad..
and an unfortunate twist at the end !

It definitely propelled the detachment to break neck speed..Highly recommend it to all the LBS ..

At my sis , Just did absolutely nothing.. shopped and did DB .. H initiated the talk throughout the time i was at my sis..

He somehow finds it difficult to understand when i switch off on him.. He blames my poor communication skills.. which is true and a fact i have been working on as a 180.. unfortunately the DB and this gets mixed up at times..

When S and I met him at the airport he came charging towards us hugged me separately and then S..

As usual my expectations soared cos i was expecting the worst .. He had visited OW city 2 days prior to coming for the vacation..
( he told me he has work in the neighboring city getting better at the lying)

I asked for a family pic at the airport.. he refused saying lets get to the hotel..

I put my sun glasses on and looked visibly upset.. he then started telling me general events stuff at home, we have new lilies and some future plans which amazed me ..

We discussed vacation itinerary.. my 180 was to hand it him over to him as in the past my do it all has made him upset though i used to take that casually.. he was happy with the plans.. i validated that it was best to take things easy on the first day..went off great..

the next day he took a lot of videos of me and S .. had a great day again.. he made plans to catch up with friends saying he is town with family ..went over for dinner..He initiated LM and it did not seem odd or weird..We both did not discuss it..

The next day i dressed up really well.. He saw the dress but did not comment at all ..it hurt a bit but i ignored it.. he clicked a pic of mine ..We had a great day again..

Then after that i chose to add a few things to the itinerary which upset him a bit so i just let it be..It bothered me that he kept taking pics but did not ask anyone to take a family pic..

then he put up pics of him and S or only S on FB which really rattled me , ow comments on a pic of S.. which ticked me off..we had a tiff on something really stupid.. I told him he cant speak to me in that manner. he was genuinely shocked cos he had not really said something so crazy to tick me off..
he ignored me and we reached the hotel .. i go to the room balcony and cried for 2 hours about those FB pics though did nit mention the pics at all to him..he stays in the room with my son though stepped in the balcony for a smoke..

then he suggests we meet some friends of mine in the same city.. i dont understand this man at all.. he says i am to have no expectations from the vacation but he does not mind meeting my friends..

We have a good time .. S goes to sleep .. we both hang around in the balcony for a bit.. i am too damn upset to initiate LM and i think he is too embarrassed to do that twice in a row .. so we let it be..
Then on the last day he is chatty though he disappeared for some time in the middle..
Have a great last vacation meal.. H offers to leave the S with hotel kid services to take me to the local casino..
he hands me his phone to see the pics, goes to the wash room.. i am kinda buzzed so check his recent phone list.. and ya call to Ow made..
he walks in to see that, asks me what am i doing.. i reply that i am looking at his call list( hated myself for looking at the list).. he says oh u will never drop that habit..i mutter u r unbelievable.. he says what .. i say i have nothing more to say about that..
Obviously plans and moods change.
casino plans drop .. the flight back is quiet.. he does not mention anything ..
The next morning he pretends that phone incident did not happen..
i really dont know what to make of this vacation..

My worst fears were that he would sit me down and tell me that he is very clear and that things will never become ok between us..or i thought he would just ignore me completely and focus on S and reiterate through actions that this vacation is for S only..

He did neither , just goes to show how fearing never helps anyways..

The negatives were the phone incident, ow yet very much in the picture ( it will be a year and a half now) his refusal to take family pics let alone couple pics..

The positives were that S had quality time with his father, he appreciated in indirect ways the way i dressed and looked, he initiated LM, i believe his EA is not yet a PA not that,thatis is less damaging to my psyche..

The ride continues..

any insights and advice ??

[hoper]

Taking Stock...

I am managing to continue my 180's .. very particular about my dressing without being obvious.. ignore his check out looks.. he never comments on anything .. continuing my piano lessons..looking to do a course in education before teaching..

managed to continue being dim..
never call him..always end my conversations first. stopped making plans even for a movie.. he told be once he is not inclined to make any plans with me though he is ok to go along if i wished to..do not answer the door
have ignored his texting.. no R talk..

being more kinder to and thoughtful about people i interact with..

What hurts..
OW very much there..When she announces her latest business achievement on FB so tempted to tell her "Girl, pat yourself on your back and while at it give yourself a slap on your face too.."
The names and the things that i would like to call her tell me about the anger and hurt within and i do know that i have to resolve this too from my end.
He comments on every update of hers and does not bother to wish my sister on her birthday who he was once close to..

What is confusing..
Post vacation, H has moved back in the MB. He initiated LM once, I am so far confused whether i should initiate it

H initiates conversations.. remembers certain responsibilities regarding bills, car..told me to got to meet C and give her an update about the vacation..

He has stopped D talk..it is possible as he is completely clueless on his career future hence is not in a position to do so or he has realized there is no way in hell i am moving out ..for that i am grateful to the people here who urged me to drop the rope in a manner of speaking as i told if he wanted a separation he would have to move out and that i would not go to my parents..

I do feel stronger within..it yet hurts but do feel that i am able to contain it and move along..i am able to focus better on things.. i do know this is really going to take a very very long time if at all things do fall in place..preparing for the long haul..
cheers,