i hope your root canal goes okay- or went okay. i can't even imagine- even now, as an adult - i kind of have a horror of the dentist - someone digging around in my brain i guess. -eeeek
PROBABLY - IF YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD TODAY and your H is at peace with the universe - DO NOT PROCEED FURTHER. IT'S usual sort of junk- so go be happy and thank you- drive thru please.
your cold cozy nite actually sounded good to me. we've been having days that are warmer than i'd like. after-shock of 30+ years in stupid ole florida where NOTHING EVER CHANGES _ YOU ARE HOT every day and then hot every other day- winter and summer - allllllllllllllllllllllllllll the same til you die of boredom - whew - i don't look forward to summer. cold makes me move & feel perky. oh well- they will come, won't they- the seasons. have to love it the way things just keep grinding forward no matter what the heck if going on in little lives of little people - entire universe keeps spinning & moving -
don't know if i like being a mere speck of dust in the universe - tho, i guess there's no choice there huh? we all are - - just a gazillion fragile little people trying to be happy today huh? (well - not sad anyway)
oh man- i am such a sap about the litehouse. upon reflection- after a lousy nite - i'd say my litehouse is being bashed by the waves and there's just a last little bit of roof standing above the water. my wires are wet & sputtering - it's in very serious danger of goin down dawn-
i keep wondering if i'll be able to bite it all back when/if we chat on the phone- or if i'll just out with it one of these days - and very nicely say "just stay there and don't come here on wednesday and quit screwing with my life".
after 3 weeks on my own- i can go about my days and i can sleep better a bit- and i can keep myself busy - but i suspect as long as this person is in my life and planning to show up at some appointed time - there will always be the "wtf" thing going on in the background of my day to day life & mind. don't you feel the same? that no matter what the heck you're doing or being- you're still somehow "tied" til you just cut that d@mn tie?
i can't figure if it's a beneficial thing that he comes here- or just me being a giant jerk rolling with it. what do you think you would be doing in my shoes? the same thing? riding along with it all and not making any waves? i guess db says do just that huh? act as if and keep all the junk inside. MAYBE I'D BETTER GO READ THE BOOK AGAIN. I GUESS i answered my own question if i'm still applying mwd theories here.
do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you didn't stumble on that book? wouldja be here rite now in your current life? think we'd do the same thing by instinct (i know 2 separate woman who have)
something like that? i know just embracing the "worst case scenario" probably isn't a really good solution/answer to my angst. But IT IS SOMETHING>.....
(OH MAN- i sound like my mother's stinking attitude in life. (or maybe good attitude - don't know) Just don't waiver - don't think - don't agonize - just get on with it- DO SOMETHING - GOOD OR bad - doesn't matter much- just do it... any action is better than nothing.
ya gotta wonder - is it?
I hear your "detachment" and willingness to let him move out-
then i hear your pain when he's on a roll and spewing and how it hurts you -
i wonder really if the man i loved ever really existed. (me not in agony )- just intellectually now - the pain is waaay less - but i guess that's what will decide me - the final call.
i keep thinking of mr bond or someone on this forum - saying to me at the beginning , that we signed up for "better or worse" and then i feel like i've got some kind of stamina-commitment-"poor sort of love" - thing going on that i'm getting to a point of packing it in. i do see h as a person dying of some terminal disease - and i'm about giving up on him ever haveing a rally or cure. i'm just letting him go without a fight- not that there's anything i could do to fight it- WHATTYA SAY - good or bad attitude? you know me- no strategy - and no faith in strategy - so no idea wtf about it all.
honestly- i cannot imagine people who spend a lifetime sacraficing themselves so whoever they love can "be happy" with someone else. $crew that - i want happiness too. somehow - some way - we all deserve it - not just a few ruthless people who just push forward grabbing it...
i'm not that person. he does not deserve happiness any more than me- and he's getting way more apparently.
so - i'm askin ya -
the bottom line:
who is more to "blame" - (DON'T WE LOVE ASSIGNING BLAME?) ME FOR even coming up here to nj and not being in his face every single minute of the day (a giant mistake apparently - to believe & trust him to be alone & ok with it!!!) or him for keeping these old ow in his life always (apparently) in one way or another against the day he "needed" them . like last few years it seems - you know, to perk up his dull & boring (normal old ) life.....?????????
i'm gonna be exotic and say rite now i hate him - it felt good- wonder if i do and wish it were that simple - oh well-
now, off to have a good day and quit crying in my soup here - =BUTCH UP & SUCK IT UP HUH?????? it just needed to come out - saving own brain or self-indulgence? can you tell i have a mother that never tolerated any weakness????? i feel guilty feeling for what the heck i feel - inside(hidden) even- cripes! neurosis central....
