Thank you so much Kaffe Diem & Cadet. I went out with a girlfriend of mine tonight and I had a great time, which was an improvement on sobbing in bed this morning & missing my WAH so much it was ripping my heart out. Your adviice and attention is priceless.
Me 54 H 53 T 19 M 15 (2nd both), 0 kids, 2 dogs, 1 horse H open heart surg12-12-12 H dropped bomb 3-5-13 H moved to lounge ~3-13-13 H rented house w/friend 4-6-13 H moved out 4-13-13
Cadet, I am so grateful to you for telling me I am going to be alright. I also love the visual about putting my love for my H in a strong box away on a high shelf. You are the best!
Me 54 H 53 T 19 M 15 (2nd both), 0 kids, 2 dogs, 1 horse H open heart surg12-12-12 H dropped bomb 3-5-13 H moved to lounge ~3-13-13 H rented house w/friend 4-6-13 H moved out 4-13-13
I was looking for advice as to keep wearing my wedding ring now that my MLC-WAH has moved out. The only reason I care is I want to do the best DBing thing. Will my H feel relieved & free to take some pressure off him to start his MLC journey or will it be a betrayal in his eyes. He never wore his ring b/c he works in construction. I am still not sure if it is a MLC or not, but if it is than I would rather him be free of me sooner so that the time passes ASAP so he will come back to me.
Me 54 H 53 T 19 M 15 (2nd both), 0 kids, 2 dogs, 1 horse H open heart surg12-12-12 H dropped bomb 3-5-13 H moved to lounge ~3-13-13 H rented house w/friend 4-6-13 H moved out 4-13-13
On the ring question, it really is up to you. There's no right or wrong. Might there be consequences? Sure. But you don't know what they will be except in hindsight.
If you leave your ring on, your H might continue to feel pressure, then again, he may recognize that you continue to stand for the M and that ultimately, it will be safe for him to return.
If you take the ring off, your H might feel less pressure, but then he may also think that you are now moving on and rather than asking, just assume that it is too late and continue on his path to D.
What ever you choose about the ring, do it for YOU, instead of doing it to try to get a reaction from your H.
While you are trying to decide if your H is MLC, know this about MLC. Nothing that the LBS does will speed up their journey through the tunnel and back into the LBS' arms.
And while it may seem like pressure from the LBS could slow down the process, it is possibly more likely that all it does is cause reactions from the MLCer and perhaps causes them to go into hiding, but their time really is their time, to do their own work. How ever long that may take or however that might look, for them.
Thank you again for your wise words. This is at times unbearably painful so it helps to read advice about what to do, even if it is to do nothing but be patient & work on myself. I had to take down our wedding pictures for my own sanity. I had to take off my wedding ring for my own sanity. I am trying to distance myself from this whole nightmare & not looking at those reminders helps. How can someone forget the last 19 years like it was nothing? How can someone act like they never knew me & look so dead in their eyes after all of that time? How could I have let that connection get so lost? I am right now repeating your words Cadet that I didn't break him so I can't fix him. I find myself very suspicious of all men now, except my father & brother.
Me 54 H 53 T 19 M 15 (2nd both), 0 kids, 2 dogs, 1 horse H open heart surg12-12-12 H dropped bomb 3-5-13 H moved to lounge ~3-13-13 H rented house w/friend 4-6-13 H moved out 4-13-13
How does anyone survive this? I don't know if I can.
Me 54 H 53 T 19 M 15 (2nd both), 0 kids, 2 dogs, 1 horse H open heart surg12-12-12 H dropped bomb 3-5-13 H moved to lounge ~3-13-13 H rented house w/friend 4-6-13 H moved out 4-13-13
My WAH has been coming to our home to mow the lawn, visit our 2 dogs, pick up bills & mail, @ leaving checks & cash for me when I am not home. Tonight when I got home he left a check made out to me for shoes for my horse @ grocery money. There was a note with it saying what it was for, & for the first time in 19 years he addressed it to my real name & not "Kakes" his pet name for me. He signed it "Pork" my pet name for him. Seeing that note addressed toy real name made me feel sick & the knife twisted in my gut. Why does something so simple hurt so much?
Me 54 H 53 T 19 M 15 (2nd both), 0 kids, 2 dogs, 1 horse H open heart surg12-12-12 H dropped bomb 3-5-13 H moved to lounge ~3-13-13 H rented house w/friend 4-6-13 H moved out 4-13-13
How does anyone survive this? I don't know if I can.
I remember when I was at that stage and there was nothing anyone could say that seemed to help. All I can tell you is that I have had those thoughts too, I have felt that pain too, and here I am some months after that stage feeling better and more confident than ever and more inspired to live a great life. And this in spite of the fact that my W is pushing forward with divorce. I am no longer dependending on my wife (or anyone else) to lead a fulfilling life. DB'ing is as much about saving yourself as your marriage. You can do this!
