The Miracle Worker

[adinva]

What I think I will do is when he calls or texts (probably 30 minutes before he wants me to meet him to pick her up), I will tell him I am sorry, but I have made other plans and I won't be able to pick her up until 5. If he wanted me to get her sooner, he should have told me in advance so I could have arranged my schedule accordingly.

That's setting boundaries effectively. It has to do with what you will do if your need isn't met. You don't get to demand unilaterally, and so you must have a backup plan to save your sanity. The only part I think is missing is that you need to clarify this before, not during conflict. Clarify that you need to know by the day before at the latest, and if you don't have a firm plan from him by then you will be making your own plans for the day and may not be able to accommodate him. And then, let it happen, at least once, so you know you can do it and he knows you meant business and aren't a pushover anymore. Your own plans might be hiring a sitter, setting up an activity, whatever you can live with completely independently of your H if he's going to be unreliable. What would you do if he had an accident? Plan as if that happened and he could not be counted on to be there for you. This isn't punitive, it's "I feel anxious and unable to plan my day when I don't know our plans a day in advance. Therefore I would ask that you commit the day before. If I don't hear from you I'll make my own plans and may not be able to accommodate you." It's about YOU and what YOU will do, not punitive, not manipulative, just YOU getting YOUR reasonable needs met. Make sense?

I think it would have been a little "passive-aggressive" for me to ignore his call or text like he does me.

Passive aggressive is using your behavior to communicate something you're not saying. Since you have a kid together I would say be the adult and answer his calls. It's fine to not respond immediately to a text that doesn't call for a response, that's being busy, not passive aggressive. Busy is mysterious and attractive, and doesn't look like pursuit.

I feel like I almost know what it is like to have a family member who is a substance abuser who doesn't want to stop, even though he is hurting himself and others.

I've been trying to hold back from offering the suggestion that you look into what co-dependence is about, but this statement here supports what I'm thinking. Learning about codependence may help you to understand where the lines are between you and him. You're not responsible for his behavior, nor his "recovery." And he's not responsible for how you feel or how you act. Learning about this may be helpful to you.

He doesn't want me to be detached...that is why he keeps stirring up trouble. He needs distance, yet he strives to keep me engaged.

Learning about codependence, and learning loving detachment will help you to see that this sentence can be completely irrelevant to how you feel or act. Should be.