We need some flexibility on holidays and also his schedule varies on Friday and Saturday. Saturday he usually schedules around soccer games, which are different times. Could be 11, could be as late as 4. These are league games that are scheduled in advance. he is pretty good about telling me Friday morning when to plan on Friday afternoon, but when he gets bogged down in work or something, I just keep her overnight. No big deal.
What I find intolerable is how I ask for 24 hour notice. I am still waiting for him to tell me when he wants me to pick her up today. I literally was awake ALL NIGHT (but I was in bed till about 4 a.m. resting my body) trying to figure out how to deal with this.
The onus is on him to communicate to ME when and where he will drop her off with me. He complains about having an anxiety attack every time I ask him a question or send him a text, but if I don't ask the question, I am sure to not get an answer. So I haven't asked.
What I think I will do is when he calls or texts (probably 30 minutes before he wants me to meet him to pick her up), I will tell him I am sorry, but I have made other plans and I won't be able to pick her up until 5. If he wanted me to get her sooner, he should have told me in advance so I could have arranged my schedule accordingly.
I think it would have been a little "passive-aggressive" for me to ignore his call or text like he does me.
If he is waiting me out to make me try to call or text him (so he can complain about me harassing him), I will just wait till Tuesday when he takes her to Preschool and I will keep her till Thursday afternoon to make up my parenting time. He doesn't like that. I did it last year....he must he forgotten. He will get mad at me and threaten to take me to court and get a parenting plan (I don't know if we can be forced to do a parenting plan since we were not married, and if we DO get a parenting plan, I will insist on "right of first refusal" because I don't want her in preschool anyway. That was supposed to be a temporary arrangement. I'd rather be schooling her myself and planning activities with her like I do on the other days, instead of him paying strangers to take care of her. He also has threatened to have his child support reassessed. He told me I will get NOTHING. He lost his job, but he is self-employed. I asked him how he can tell a judge that he isn't making any money and can't continue to pay child support, yet he can afford to pay the preschool hundreds of dollars a month(about $40 a month less than what he pays in child support for part time and he keeps offering to pay more to enroll her full time). He didn't have an answer for that and I always point out how his threats and intimidation are not healthy or helpful and he needs to learn new relationship and conflict resolution skills.
Why would anyone want to maintain a dysfunctional relationship? I keep trying to do all I can to make it better, but he doesn't want it better. I can't escape! I do have better coping skills now, but I still don't want a dysfunctional relationship, even though I am coping better.I know he isn't happy. I know he'd be happier if he was healthier emotionally. I was telling a friend that I feel like I almost know what it is like to have a family member who is a substance abuser who doesn't want to stop, even though he is hurting himself and others.
I really don't think you can be totally detached and share parenting of a preschooler and have to handle 4 exchanges a week. He doesn't want me to be detached...that is why he keeps stirring up trouble. He needs distance, yet he strives to keep me engaged.
