Went to C. That was pretty awful. Started off all wrong. I'd given him the wrong office name and the C's name wasn't listed on the building directory. He was looking pretty ticked when I finally found him searching the building, but I think he cooled off by the time we got up to her office.
We talked about our different perceptions in an argument. We were talking about misunderstandings. His tone of voice. My supposed hypersensitivity. Of course, she recommended that we talk in terms of "I feel" kind of statements where we own our own feelings. Okay, I can do that.
Then H said he really wanted to talk about my "behavior" during arguments. By his description, I must be out of control and violent when I'm angry. He ultimately had to leave the marriage because he couldn't deal with it. He on the other hand seemed a little proud that he didn't show anger. The C kind of cornered him on his tone of voice, which she said could be patronizing and did show anger. He was very defensive about that.
I was absolutely mortified for both of us. He did most of the talking, while I wanted to crawl under the sofa. It is so humiliating to have to discuss what jerks we've been. I'll even admit to being pretty ticked that he characterized me the way that he did. There is a part of me that thinks he's being a manipulative @$$. Whatever, I was there to learn and to hear what he had to say, so I guess I got what I wished for.
There is a part of me that understands that he takes it very personally when I yell at him; and to my utter shame it must really hurt him. Likewise, I am very hurt when he walks away. Just like it hurts when he refuses to acknowledge that my feelings are hurt. C couldn't exactly get him to see that point. It's a bad cycle of me wanting some kind of a response and him becoming more unresponsive.
She wants us to talk about our arguments later, when we're both calm. This is something that has never been effective between the two of us, so we'll see.
I thought it was odd that my H's body language was so defensive at the C. He sat as far away from me as he could, his legs crossed away from me and leaning away. I'm not sure which one of us he was on guard about, but he thawed pretty quickly when we got outside.
So it wasn't a disaster, it just sucked. She wanted us to come back on Feb 14. H and I were both shaking our heads "no." Why ruin a perfectly good holiday?
