Crazy little thing called MLC

[Raine]

Thanks everyone so much for your helpful advise. I read your posts over and over again today. I approached H tonight and told him I wanted to talk to him about some of the things he said yesterday. At first he got all huffy and said see you just analyze everything and won't let things go. I said I wasn't analyzing and there were something's he said about me I felt were incorrect. He apologized for jumping the gun. I told him I felt I was a very loving, forgiving, and nonjudgmental person. I said that i don't feel like I even need to defend that. He agreed. He said he was probably projecting. (AJ you nailed it.) I said I felt that it was more that he couldn't forgive himself, and he agreed. I told him that if we ever did work through these issues i would want to be done with them and never bring them up again, that he can't assume what I'm going to do or how I'm going to be. He just said he doesn't want to talk about those things. I thanked him for being here and all the help he has been, even though it's hard on him. (He had mentioned yesterday that he felt like the home was mine and even parts that were his, he feels like soon they won't be.) he said he has enjoyed spending so much time with the boys. it was a short, five min convo, which I think was good.

So I don't know how much it affected him, but it made me feel a lot better. I hope I can get to the point that when he springs a R talk on me I can respond in the moment instead of being caught off guard and coming back to it later. I guess in some ways it's a lot better than saying something I regret because I am talking from emotions.

As part of the convo yesterday he mentioned needing to get his own place. I had said in that case i think I need to start moving on the D. He seemed upset by that. He said he wanted to figure out finances and how much I need. He never mentioned D. I just said that if he goes that direction he is just saying he wants to be single and I don't want to be a part of paying for a place he is bringing women back to. He said he could do that now if he wanted to. But I know he wouldn't. Even though his roommates do, they know he is married and Christian. I think he still cares a lot about appearances. I feel like he wants his own place so he can feel even more responsible for himself and control his own finances. I don't know. Maybe it's not such a deal breaker. I think I do need to see a lawyer and figure out how much he should pay in CS/A and split things up and have him go 100% on his own. I think he needs to do that so he can grow up.

You guys really saved me on this one. I felt so done before your posts. AJ you just seem to get it from the few puzzle pieces I throw out there. I so appreciate your perspective and that you call me out on stuff I need to rethink or stop doing. T you give me the hope that if your W was saying the same stuff and she is making it through to the other side, maybe things will be the same with H and for me to focus on the positive and not the darkness we are in now. Snodderly you always have the best advise. Anytime I've felt I was at the end of my rope you always help me see the big picture. It really helped me that you felt I'm doing things right. Too often I feel like nothing is right and it makes me want to run and give up. I dont know how I'd manage without the friendships here.