Protia, thanks for hugs. Boy, I really need them now. I’ve been reading a lot of threads recently. Unfortunately, I cannot find something close to my situation, unless I go way back to the archives, and these people are no longer posting. I will keep looking. I’ve decided that I will not agree to do the D on the website. I will have a layer. I will also not initiate and will not help him to start the paper work.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Mum2hree, Tori thank you for you kind words. My H is sad, but I don’t think he is confused. He knows that he will have to “eat sandwiches” (his words) for a long time in order to support himself. His work is seasonal and not steady and his health is deteriorating. But, he is not changing his mind about us. He’s being telling me for a number of years that according to his family history he will not leave long. His Mom died 15 years ago (I think she was barely over 60) from lung cancer. His Dad died 2 years ago (he was around 73) from MLS, which a horrible disease. His Dad’s sister died of the same MLS disease two months later. She was diagnosed a couple of years earlier, but died at about the same time as his Dad. His family thinks that it is genetic. The latest news are about my H’s sister, that she might have some sings of MLS also. This is probably why my H’s estimate of his life span went down from 15-20 to 10-15 years. Also, he is not feeling well, his asthma got worse and he is very stressed all the time (his words.)
“I suppose he just wants to get out and away, thinking that that will improve things and make him feel better.” I have exactly same feeling after yesterday’s conversation. He might be thinking that as soon as the whole D is over, he will be happy and his feeling of guilt will disappear.
He is already enjoying the freedom. He is leaving in our vacation condo and is doing whatever he wants. I completely left him alone and only have contact when he initiates, which is rare, or if he needs something or I need something from him, mostly business related.
You are right I was always there for him, supported him, helped him with things. Our friends told me that we always looked like we were a team. We went through some rough times together. But I was also a nag, a whiny girl sometimes, and he had to deal with my bad moods and negativity. All of that is gone now, I became a different person. I don’t rely on him for my happiness. But also withdrew my support for him since our separation. Funny thing that you mentioned that. He actually told me that I would be the person he will come to in case he is not able to afford the condo anymore.
I think I am already mysterious, but it seems to not matter. He is absolutely sure he “fell out of love” (his words – according to our friends.)
I will definitely take your advice to not talk to the mutual friends any more, since this seems to create more confusion and misunderstanding.
Mum2three, I’m so happy to hear that your situation improved! This means that DB principles work. I know that if my H sees that I am fun to be with again, it will definitely help him to see what he might be losing. But, he is very stubborn and rarely changes the decisions he makes, unless there is something drastic happens. I do see some hope though. It will just take a lot of time for him to see that and realize that. And, unfortunately, it could also mean that he will have to go through some experience of trying to find a perfect relationship where he would not any arguing and confrontation.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Tori, I always value your opinion. You’ve been through a lot, and you are a better and stronger person now.
He definitely has some degree of depression, but he is so good at hiding it. This is also why he drinks. He realizes though that he’s been drinking too much. Our friends over at the vacation place said that he seems to be having fun, but he is also lonely and in bad mood sometimes.
I thought that I was ready for D, but apparently it is not the case. I guess I still had some hope. And now I’m kind experiencing the same feelings I had at BD.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Interesting, H sent me an e-mail with the joke today. He hasn’t sent me one for a while. I guess he became comfortable talking to me again after our conversation. Tries to be friends…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I am sure the convo about D was a huge hit to your emotions. I don't really think any of us are ready for that. (My H hasn't mentioned D yet, but I feel very strongly it will come up at some point in the not so distant future. And, when it does I will be devasted too.)
Let yourself feel these emotions. The only way to "the other side" is going through. It sux. It hurts. It's not fair. It isn't right. You don't deserve this. Yet it IS. Acceptance is very difficult. You will get there on your own time. We all will-whatever IT is.
You were NOT a bad wife, so don't beat yourself up. Forgive yourself. Take care of yourself. Your future will hold good things...you have to believe this.
Start focusing more on YOU. You are worth A LOT!!!!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
BF, the hope might remain for a long time. Even my H, who initiated all of this and who can't wait to get D still has thoughts about whether he is doing the right thing.
Don't feel as though you've made no progress, because you have. You said you're a better person. You've grown. You've learned. If your M can't be saved, at least you've saved yourself.
I haven’t been posting for some time, but I’ve reading the board every day in hopes to find the answers I’m desperately looking for, how to behave when he brings the D subject again.
He called me yesterday from, first are the house, and when I didn’t pick up, he called me on my cell. I let it go to the voice mail. He left me a message saying that he wanted to discuss a couple of things and let me know that he used the debit card for our joint account to pay for something. He asked me to call him back. He sounded in a good mood. So, I checked the cell phone records and saw that he is probably looking for a new auto insurance. It means he actually started to act to separate our joint accounts, memberships, etc. I felt like stomach turned upside down again. I still have not called. I’m having a cold and my voice is very scratchy. I didn’t want to have a conversation like that. I’m pretty sure he wants to discuss how separate our insurance and other stuff.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
More updates. I met a guy yesterday who lives in that town where my H is living now. He has known us for a few years, he was never a friend, but we were at the same parties quite often. He said that he doesn’t know the details about our R, but he thinks that my H is crazy. He said that all other people we know have the same opinion – that he is crazy to give up the wife like me. This guy also said that my H has been drinking heavily, that he didn’t see him drinking like that before. He also said that my H is hanging around “wrong” people. When I asked him about one woman (she is married) and her sister and mentioned that I saw them behaving like the teenagers (doing stupid, crazy stuff, trying to have a lot of fun) he said this was exactly what he was trying to say. He also mentioned that even though it looks like my H is having fun, he doesn’t look very happy. He suggested that my H is going through MLC, LOL. He said that he himself went through something similar to MLC, but it was that dramatic. Well, this guy was already divorced at a time. His wife had an affair and left him. So, he didn’t need to walk away from the family or a wife.
After this guy gave me so many compliments about how good I looked despite the situation and that I seem to be handing this very well and that I will be just fine, I told him that I came to the terms with my H not wanting to be with me again and looking for a better wife. To which the guy said that my H will not be successful, especially considering the crowd he is hanging around with. He also said that my H doesn’t have anybody right now.
This conversation made me think that my H actually does have signs of MLC, since other people notice it too. But the weird part is that when I talk to H he sounds very reasonable and even the same as always. Then I think that there are comments he makes that are so strange. I don’t know why I’m so fixated on this.
I’m trying to convince myself that this is over and I need to prepare for D. But something inside of me is resisting.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
GTO, thank you for posting to my thread too. I’m trying to focus on me. It woks most of the time. I know that I deserve better, and I will do OK. It is just I can’t help thinking that my H throwing away a M that can be fixed, that can be a lot better than it was, if we just both give it another try. I do believe in my heart that our M could be better. I just don’t know how to make him believe it too. All people who know both of us think that he is making a big mistake.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
