I visited the therapist this afternoon and had a good session. I updated her on what has been happening. I told her that I realize I was doing too much but just couldn't fathom what I wouldn't have done. I can't imagine a good bf telling her to get to her own job interviews, or take that bus at night to work, or not helping her with a resume etc. So, what could I have done differently. I felt stumped. First, she said that a major part of this situation was the situation. Here were two people trying to build a relationship while one was going through a difficult life transition and our decisions were often driven by our anxieties not what was best for the relationship. She said in any such situation it would be difficult for a new relationship to succeed. No argument there! She also mentioned that I was maybe enabling her poor decisions by being willing to do things. For example, if I'd been clear that I was not going to be driving her to work each evening before she accepted the position she may have made better choices. She'd may have picked employment in more accessible areas. She was choosing jobs based on her anxiety about being unemployed, not what was the best position for her and I was enabling that. Good point. She also mentioned that when I discussed things with her I was treating her like a client, I was leaving out how her decisions would effect me. I would bring up how a choice would be of benefit or not to her but I would never say, for example, the one out in the boonies would create more dependence for driving etc. and I was getting tired of the chauffeur position! Many times in retrospect I did this. For example, when she went robo-Nanny on me I'd say "I prefer you not to clean my place because it's your day off and you need rest, you do this all week at work" I didn't mention that it makes me uncomfortable when you start cleaning and re-arranging my stuff. When I'd visit her in the evening and she'd whip out her laptop to do job searches with me, I'd say "Hey, why don't you put that away, you've been doing it all day. You need a break" and she'd reply "I need a job". I could have said "Hey, I came here to spend some quality time with you, not to do job searches tonight"I left out my needs. Good observations. Lastly, she said I could use this as an opportunity to plan for the next relationship. To think about what things I wanted in the next woman, for example, someone who has a car or is comfortable using public transit, someone who's life is relatively stable, someone who is independent... So, I got some good stuff today. Lot's to ponder and plan for the future with.
