Irreplaceable

[uRworthy]

T, one big fail is right.

I remember that it was so hard for me to have compassion for my h when he so clearly screwed up.

So I tried to remember that as hard as it was on me, it really did suckk to be him. That was some stupid sh#t he thought would work.

I mean really, I have a great idea. I'll tell my wife I dont want to be married anymore. Then I'll go find my first gf of 30 years ago who cheated on me with my best friend while living with me and have an affair. Then stay in my house for almost a year.

Now that's a plan. LOL!

You cant make this stuff up.

[uRworthy]

T, I saw what you wrote on Tsquared's thread and just wanted to comment.

I know how hard it is to know that your h has an ow. I remember watching mine getting all dressed up, so excited to be meeting her - almost in a frenzy to go.

I am not going to sugarcoat it, it broke my heart.

But then I realized now far away that was from the man I knew.

I realized how sad it was that he was that broken he didnt realize what he was doing to his family.

He was that broken that he thought that was going to make the pain go away.

When I realized that it had nothing at all to do with love or committment, and everything to do with depression and self loathing, I was able to let it go.

Dont get me wrong, it hurt still. But it was a different kind of hurt then. I hurt because the man I loved was in such pain and there was nothing I could do about it.

And I hurt because I knew he might never realize there was a way out of it.

T, my h still had to account for his actions if he ever wanted to work on us. This didnt give him a free pass.

But it would have been possible for us to get past it, I think.

The thing of it is, is that you get to decide from a place of strength.

You are so special, T.

[mrtwopointfour]

But then I realized now far away that was from the man I knew.

I realized how sad it was that he was that broken he didnt realize what he was doing to his family.

He was that broken that he thought that was going to make the pain go away.

When I realized that it had nothing at all to do with love or committment, and everything to do with depression and self loathing, I was able to let it go.

I like this way of looking at it. I find it very hard imagining my W with OM (an assumption I make based on confirmed EA). But maybe if I apply this thinking that W is no longer the person I love and M, then this could help me also.

[Takevowsserious]

Thank you, UW. I needed to hear that. And you are special too xoxo

It's a sad and awful feeling to feel discarded - to feel like the whole life we had together, a life that we both wanted, a life that at one time made us both very happy, tossed aside. And for what? I really don't know.

I think in an attempt to feel better and escape the pain. But when that plan doesn't pan out...

How long till they keep running into that brick wall, over and over again?

I have read a lot about affairs, and whether its MLC related or not, there is one common theme - they rarely lead to a long term R.

I found this quote from a M therapist-

"You don't know what it is like to be married to someone until you are married to them."

He goes on to say-

"Remember, too, that being in a torrid love affair is quite different from a long-term committed relationship like a marriage. You don't visit her grandmother, you don't pay taxes with her, you don't raise kids with her, etc. Affairs and marriages are apples and oranges."

I don't know why, but I find reading this kind of info helpful and reassuring.

Let me share something else...

Before my H, I had a serious bf that I dated for ten years. At one point, I thought he was the man I was going to marry. But as they say, that is another story...

He pursued me for quite some time after we broke up. And guess who I was dating then? Yep, good ol' H!

It was almost a year after the break up, and the x was still trying to get me back. And H was not happy about it. At all.

I remember him saying something like, "I am so sick of this, he needs to let it go. But I get where he's coming from, because if I lost you, I do anything to get you back."

I never forgot that. Wonder if that will ever be tested? Hmmmm...

Happy Friday everyone

[uRworthy]

It is a sad feeling to feel discarded. It is. But, that life you had together, it was real, T. The memories, the feelings - all real. No one can take that away.

It was tossed aside because of a life crisis. As I've told you, when you are deeply depressed, it's like you're underwater. You can see and hear everything, but, it's all muddled and distorted. So, you keep trying to reach the surface, but, you cant quite figure out how.

You feel like you're running out of air. So, you try everything you can to feel better.

How long till they keep trying to swim. No one knows. It is different for everytone. It depends on why they went in to crisis. It depends on whether they do the work or what they are made of.

I have spoken to my xh about his affair. It lasted about 2 years, I think. I asked him what he was thinking having one with her?

He said, "I don't know. Clearly I wasnt thinking." When I asked why it didnt last, he said, "How could it last, UR, look how it started."

T, all you can do is take it one day at a time. And I know this is a horrific thing. It also allows us to become who we were meant to be. What a gift.

[Takevowsserious]

Thanks dear

I know our life was real, our memories real. But now he will also always have memories with her too. It hurts that he allowed her to see him in a way that was only supposed to be meant for me, both physically and emotionally. It hurts that he allowed her into his/our life.

The depression/drowning analogy does help. I know he's sick. I know he's not him. I know the real him would be mortified at what he has done and continues to do.

I guess I want to know what my H is made of. Will he ever man up?

Seems like both of our H picked the stereotypical opposites of us, pretty much the worst choice they could make. It's just so messed up!

I have many things that motivate me and keep me going, the biggest being my children. But also my intuition is telling me to stay the course. I do have this little inner voice that says, "Hang in there a little longer" over and over again

Maybe I'm the one that's losing it lol!!!!

So for now, still hanging in there, taking it day by day.

And... Enjoying the gift of becoming the best me

[uRworthy]

T, she doesnt see him. She sees a shell of the man you know.
The memories he may have of her hold no weight. I promise you that. Their relationship is not built on love and committment. It is a tower of sand. It will matter not.

I can tell you that my xh doesnt remember most of what happened. When I have told him things he said or did, he cannot believe it.

I know it hurts that he let her into your lives. But one day it will become like a scar. Under the surface, but, no longer the searing pain it once was.

[Takevowsserious]

Thank you

Guess I'm having a down day, feeling very tired. I have had some long days lately between here and work.

That is crazy that your x doesn't remember a lot of things... Do they ever remember? It would freak me out if I lost chunks of memories and time. That is very disturbing.

I look forward to a day this is just a scar, and not an open wound. But scars carry with them their own reminder of the pain that once was. I can see in time that it can become blurry though, everything just fading into the background of my life.

[uRworthy]

You're welcome. Down days happen. Would be worried if you didnt have them.

It is crazy that my x doesnt remember, but, it happens often. Just one more reason why I know it was a crisis. It would freak me out, too, to lose chucks of time.

This is hard stuff, T. It aint for the faint of heart.

But you have courage and strength in spades.

[Takevowsserious]

I know I'll have down days, just try to ride it out when it happens.

This IS hard stuff, no doubt. Some days I feel like I have a good handle on everything, and other days I don't know how I'm gonna make it one more day. Yet I always do

Of course I get by with a little help from my friends

See ya on my next thread.