Last night we had a huge argument about... well we argued about that too... and about what happened during the argument... and about how we argue... As usual, I was ready to let it go, but he wanted to sulk. I kept pushing it, because I wanted some kind of resolution, even if the resolution was to say, "Gee aren't we being a couple of b###heads." Except, he knew he hadn't been a b###head. He accepted my apology for my part in the argument, which was especially gracious (not!) since he had not (ha!) done anything wrong.
I hit the roof, which is when the argument over how to end an argument started. By then I was pretty fed up and he was acting as if he was going to sit down, have dinner, and watch television. I thought, but didn't say "Doesn't he have an apartment where he can go be self-righteous?" I wasn't about to spend the rest of the evening sitting twenty feet away (that's the maximum distance in my house) from a man who wouldn't let it go, so I was relentless.
Around and around we went. Somewhere in all of this, I got fed up enough that I told him that this was by far more effort than it was worth, considering what I was getting out of the relationship. Of course, he got on my case about always bringing things down to the ultimate choices. I happen to think that's the question in every argument that has gotten out of hand, which is why I spent four years backing down and apologizing, while he seemed to spend four years being self-righteous. I told him that I told him that he had a choice between being right or happy. He said he was happy being right... did you hear the swooshing sound as my point passed right over his head? I think he did get the part where maybe we were both a little in the wrong, but of course he didn't admit it.
Then he went back to my original point about having gotten so little out of the R for more than a year. He kept saying, "It hasn't been a year." He moved out in November 2002. Hello?!? So we had to rehash the "you-threw-me-out/you-left-me" argument. A draw as usual.
He decided to clarify what he meant when he said not a year, by pointing out that we've been together since last May. Together?!? I was completely stunned, and I told him so. "In my opinion we are not and have not been together. What about our situation is together? As far as I'm concerned, you haven't been married to me since you left. I've been married to you, but that's not together." I was completely flabbergasted, and I think he was too. When I really think about it, there is a rational level at which we are together, but in my heart I can't accept that he's here to stay. I don't trust him to stay committed to our M. He broke that most sacred promise when he left. I'm not sure how to let that go or if I should.
He got a little more philosophical after that; and we talked about the fact we communicate differently (not how, but that we do). He explained that on principle he doesn't want to have these arguments in the future and that we need to learn from it. How are we supposed to learn from an argument when neither one of us can agree on what happened? We're talking disagreements over what was said and what wasn't said... direct quote stuff.
I finally told him that there are some arguments that will always come around and will never be resolved. He could NOT accept that. When I told him it was a universal fact of all relationships... every couple, every psychologist, every book says the same thing. He would not accept it. At that, I gave up. I told him that he couldn't be married if that was how he saw it, because he'd never achieve that state of bliss where all differences are resolved.
I got up and went to the kitchen to get dinner ready. I decided that I wasn't hungry anymore and just set out one plate. Somehow me not wanting to eat, got him very upset. He gave me a hug and apologized for upsetting me. Huh? It was sweet anyway, and it pretty much brought things to a close.
The rest of the night went by pretty pleasantly. This morning I asked him if he thought we were ready to talk. He said that after last night he wasn't so sure. I explained that I didn't mean, right that minute and that I thought we had some things to get out in the open. I made my point about the counselor being able to help us reframe things so we understand each other better. My hope is that we can deal with some of the garbage while we're learning how to communicate. I've got to call the counselor today to see if I can afford it.
So there it is, I lost track of how many rounds. Frankly, I think this is the kind of argument my H and I should have had four years ago, but we kept pushing it aside. Having been through this before, I know there are a lot more of these left. Ugh! It had better be worth it.
