That's good to get out and clear your head. Yes, it may be comforting to think about words that are softer than the current actions, but the actions are the reality at the moment.
For specific strategies, I recommend a DB coach if you can swing it.
While an affair is going on, the best you can do is take care of yourself, maintain good boundaries, work on yourself, and practice detachment (it does not equal distancing; it's the essential ingredient in happy Rs).
I'm a huge fan of Pia Mellody. Expert on codependence and boundaries. You'll find specific reviews if you dig up my threads from the last year. In addition to reading DR, some of Pia's work will really help guide your thinking.
Keep reading Sandi's 37 rules. I think they're basically her notes from reading DR.
