Recently Separated and Need Help

[separated313]

Got a question for you all. Do you feel like "mothering" your spouse is the same as controlling them? I felt like today, my H was looking for someone to mother him, but is it possible that that can come across as controlling?

[separated313]

Got another text from my H. Telling me how bad is back is today. I just responded with "That [censored]". Not sure what else to do. I don't want to mother or control him but it almost seems like that's what he wants. Am I doing the right thing? I'm trying to detach, but am I coming across as uncaring?

[separated313]

Sorry that I keep posting...I'm just so confused! He sent me another text about his back. Saying how he thinks it might be a slipped or herniated disc. I hope I responded properly. I gave him two options. Either he deals with it or he goes to see the doctor. My point is that he keeps texting me about his issues. Should I consider this progress or maybe cake eating? He doesn't want to live with me, but he keeps sending me messages about things.

[azguy]

I think how you respond depends on what you can manage at this time. You're separated. You shouldn't feel obligated to help him or be his emotional support. He probably realizes this, but is falling into a habit of reaching out to you when he has problems.

I'd suggest thinking of this as an opportunity to practice detached caring. Help him out if you can think of ways to do so. But try to do it withou expectations that he'll appreciate it or see you differently if you do so. If you had a friend in this situation who reached out to you, you might treat them similarly.

On the other hand, I don't know the background. It is not a good idea to take this approach if you feel like you are just being used. What happens if you are there for him, and he never acknowledges it. Would you be okay with that, or resentful?

Sorry, not a very definitive answer, but maybe something to help your thoughts.

[separated313]

I can't decide if I'm being used or not. I want to be his emotional support. I want to help him. That's my problem. He says he doesn't want me, so why does he continue to look to me for support? I want to think of this as progress, but I'm worried that he might taking advantage of the fact that I will be there for him. I'm just not sure.

Even though it's been a month, I'm still second guessing everything I'm doing. I appreciate everyone's input. I don't know how I would do this alone.

[azguy]

I guess what I was trying to say is that it's the way you feel about it that should guide your actions. If you think it's the right thing to do, go for it. If you can anticipate resenting supporting him in this back off.

As to what he's thinking, it's best just not to get into that. He may be thinking any number of things, but I doubt it's either a conscious effort to use you, or to signal that he's changed his mind. Probably a jumbled mess of thoughts that is the fog of any WAS.

[separated313]

He's being put on muscle relaxers for a week. Which means that he can't drive while he's on them. As much as I want to offer to take him to work, I think I want him to figure it out on his own. If he asks, I would probably say yes.

I'm really stressing out over this whole situation. I don't know what's right or wrong to do or act. However, I have made it a month, the second one has to be easier, right?

[separated313]

Really having a hard time. Found out my H has been talking to an OW. Not sure if there is a PA or EA at the moment. But the OW has been saying pretty horrible things about me via social networking. I'm devastated.

[separated313]

So now I'm REALLY confused. Today at my S9's soccer game, my H brought a candy bar and asked me if I wanted to split it with him. Is this his idea of an apology? I don't want to read into it too much. What do I do?

[separated313]

Has anyone started taking or thought about taking antidepressants? I'm really getting tired of riding this emotion roller coaster. I'm just wondering if it helps people detach or not.