I sent my response and got a "thnkz". Whew, that was a lot of stress for a thanks.
There was some prior emails before her r one. She evidently is having a tough day at work, so she emailed me to ask if I knew anywhere else she could find employment or change careers. I gave her a few options but she is limited with her degrees. She then responded that she would like to move away, and listed the town her fav girlfriend lives in (a crap hole 8 hours away) or maybe Hawaii (count me in). I told her it was normal to feel that way. That she was too far along in her career to quit but not far enough to see the light at the end. I said it makes you feel trapped. Told her it will get better. That God put her there for a reason and to look for it. The convo went from that to a benefits mtg she is having and if there was anything she needed to do. I asked if she ever started contributing back to her 401k. You saw her response.
I can see more everyday how depression is at the core of this. She simply wants to run away to feel better. No responsibility, no worries... We all have those times in our lives. Again, they last a few days instead of a few years, but we do. I guess it's an honor that she's sharing them with me.
Mr. Fix It has to stand on the sidelines and watch.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
I can see more everyday how depression is at the core of this. She simply wants to run away to feel better. No responsibility, no worries... We all have those times in our lives. Again, they last a few days instead of a few years, but we do. I guess it's an honor that she's sharing them with me.
Mr. Fix It has to stand on the sidelines and watch.
Bingo!!! ^^^^^
Same with my W, and she has said as much now that she has moved along enough and gotten enough clarity to look at it, and the past, and whys and such.
I am really thankful I got exposed to, and was really into, certain philosophies in my teens and twenties (stoicism, existentialism, "warrior culture", "military culture")...kinda got that fear of death and that urge to "run", out of me, at an early age.
Keep going!... Believe none of what they say, half of what they do...they are depressed, hurt, scared, overwhelmed, etc... T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Mtnman, shounds like you are handling the situation extremely. Nice job!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
FY jumped in again. Your moderation is hurting us all. Anyway, my PLL is also touch, as it is also my mothers. Ws is harder for me to figure out. I think it's gift giving, but I should be on easy street if that were true. I do know this, she loves to joke and kid and tease. That's what she finds attractive. I'm not sure where that falls in the LL.
The email must've been ok. We had several texts back and forth afterwards. Lots of funny stuff. She was tired, cause she's not sleeping well.
Baseball game today then MIL birthday plans. Well, if she will ever tell us what she wants to do.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Not a bad weekend. Baseball game was fun on Saturday, then spent the rest of the day taking it easy. Today we all went to church, then the boys and I went to visit family and play some basketball. W wasn't feeling well, but got over it.
W and I had some good conversation. We discussed how the boys are changing, their personalities, etc. We had a nice talk this evening about their school work and how they're progressing. Several times she brought up her grandmother and father, and how she and/or the boys have some of their traits. They are both gone now, so it's a history that I share. I was very close to both of them.
Yesterday evening W texted to get my thoughts on a fbook comment. She hasn't done that in a few weeks, then back and forth texts about our cats.
This evening she started new iPhone games with me. We used to play them often, but not since January. It's been fun to have little things to do with her.
I think the text y'all helped me with on Friday has helped her relax. It's helped me too. The last three days have been an eye opener for me. The other day I mentioned I can see how depression is at the core of this. That's helped me tremendously. Somewhere I also mentioned how I went through the same at the beginning of our marriage. For years I questioned why God allowed that to happen to me. Now I know at least one reason. I understand where W is, and why. I know how scared she is. I know how she's searching for answers, and wishing she could run away. I also know why I love her as much as I do. She stood by me like a rock when I had my issues, and I'm forever grateful.
You've heard it said that when they get through this they're a better spouse and think so much of the lbs. Its true! I never seriously considered leaving her, but when I came through the other side, I knew what she meant to me. When we get through this, other couples may not envy us so much as find us disgusting. It'll be like the Seinfeld schmoopie episode.
Lord, let it be!
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
I'm glad to hear so much compassion for your W and no anger in this post. It's not like there won't be some angry and frustrated feelings that may pop up in the future, but I hear so much love and understanding from you. I'm sure W feels it too.
She seems to be in the same place. She wants connection, advice, and sharing with you, but she still has issues to work through and it may be a while.
You have a strong and involved past history and a present reality with your two boys. Keep up the good work! rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I can see how depression is at the core of this. That's helped me tremendously. Somewhere I also mentioned how I went through the same at the beginning of our marriage. For years I questioned why God allowed that to happen to me. Now I know at least one reason. I understand where W is, and why. I know how scared she is. I know how she's searching for answers, and wishing she could run away. I also know why I love her as much as I do. She stood by me like a rock when I had my issues, and I'm forever grateful.
^^^This is great!
I too like to think of all the years W stood by me. I figure the least I can do is stand by her during this difficult time in her life. That's what spouses who truly love their partners do, right?
Continue to be her rock Mtn. I think there's a good chance she may just find herself forever grateful one day.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
W and my mother saw each other today. I'm sure it was uncomfortable for them both. W texted me about it. W said mom was being super nice and kept telling W how pretty she was. W said it made her feel bad because she knew mom was trying to make things better or fix things. I told W thats just mom, she thinks everything can be fixed with a hug. W responded back that she (W) knew that but it made her feel bad because no one can fix it, only her (W). I told her not to worry one second about my mother, she's fine. W responded back that she doesn't worry about her she just hates making others sad. Went on to say, "except you (mtnman). Lol! Just kidding. I hate making you sad too!" I responded with our playful inside text emoticon for F U.
She responded with,"See y'all panicked for nothing. I left (part time) and everybody is fine! Y'all just didn't think you could survive without me and you have. Lol. I just say that to make myself feel better."
I thought that was a nice little moment of honesty, and good to hear.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
It is nice when you see them having some clarity, and it may be a good sign too...Your responses were great...keep up the friendly, warm, lite and fun!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
