Best advice I've ever been given is to be true to yourself.
That's it! That is what I was trying to say in a previous post.
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I vaguely resent the idea that I have only been passive, and done nothing, but understand.
If I'm the one you are directing that statement, I was responding to your self description of being a passive bystander. To somebody like me, it does sound like passive behavior and I admit--it is so opposite to my nature. My H used to be passive and it caused major problems in our MR for years. I personally don't believe a WAW, (and especially one who has had an EA that you happen to know about), will respond positively or respectfully to a passive H. So, that's why I have tried to drive that point home with you. Some ladies might adore a man like you, but I don't think your W does. I won't say that it has never worked in a MR, but I will say that I personally have never seen a happy M where the H is extremely passive, b/c the W usually becomes very......well, like your W has become.
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I have been here for a long time, so it is hard to remember all the suggestions given on this forum. I have stopped pursuing. I have dared to go upstairs. I have confronted my wife a few weeks ago, with a compromise as the outcome.
I didn't mean you had to literally list all the suggestions. But since you brought it up.....what you saw as being "daring" or "confrontational" was at best settling for less than you wanted and deserved, which is exactly what got you in this mess.
You have good qualities. I'm not saying you are a failure as a person. I'm saying to make the most of your good qualities. If you simply cannot do something b/c it takes too much courage, then don't. But don't cut yourself off from having people in your life, and I was concerned at one point that you were getting very close to doing it.
Some things we have to challenge ourselves. Now, it takes too much courage for me to jump out of an airplane. Don't try to talk me into doing it b/c I'm not going to do it..... nor am I going to take classes on skydiving. I'm choosing not to do something that I don't desire to experience.
However, I may challenge myself to speak publicly before a group of people. It may make me nervous, but I'm interested in doing it, so I may read about public speaking. I would look for an opportunity, or create one, where I could talk before a very small group....and build from there.
In both cases, I have exercised my volition. Nobody forced me to jump out of a plane b/c I didn't want to do it. Neither would anyone force me to carry through with public speaking. It would be my responsibility to learn about it and then put it into action, b/c reading about the topic or taking classes are not enough.
I don't always express myself very well and I certainly am not trying to insult you. You have to decide what you will challenge yourself with, and what you know you have no desire to develop. You seem to want to grow in the are of interrelationship with people. You've read books, been to counselors, and will go to EE. That's great, and it gives you some foundation. However, this only helps if you act upon what you learn. Of course, you know this. Maybe I'm trying to put a firecracker under you.
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No, I am not a brave, conflict hardened person
Is that how you see it? Maybe that is why it seems so foreign to you.
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but can occasionally muster the courage to do small, for me daring, things. The scariest thing is to directly deal with my W.
And you have lived like this for how many years? You should not have to live like that, Luke. Do you believe you deserve better?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
But since you brought it up.....what you saw as being "daring" or "confrontational" was at best 