I'm trying real hard to be the Shepard.

[ForeverYoung]

HELP PLEASE!!!

Email from W below. I didn't ask and received this cold.

"Did not ever start contributing to 401k. Can't now. Using extra money for other stuff. I'm sure you have questions about us and where we are. All I can tell you is that I'm happy with the current situation. I like being friendly with each other and sharing time with our boys, but also having my own time and space. I realize it puts you on hold and if you want to make things more finalized I totally understand."

How to respond???

Mtn, This post may be late, but here’s my take.

First, what’s the rush? Sure you have questions, but it seems you understand that there is no advantage to seeking answers or a quick resolution here. So she’s happy with the current situation. Good. That means no D unless you want it. Do you? I get the feeling you’re ok with a bit of limbo for now.

I hope you didn’t rush to respond to this. If it were me, I would take my time. Then, once we did talk, say something like "I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, just taking things day by day and enjoying my life." No pressure.

[reachingHigher]

All I can tell you is that I'm happy with the current situation. I like being friendly with each other and sharing time with our boys, but also having my own time and space.."

Hi Mtnman!

Yes, I know you want her to be in a different place right now, but she just isn't or can't be. There is probably more she isn't saying, but that's okay.

Let's take what she IS saying. She said she likes being friendly with you and sharing time with the boys. That's where you still have a key to her heart. She is still figuring out stuff.

So....capitalize on what she does like. Without pursuing of course. The 37 rules talk a lot about how to be when you are with her.

My H initially moved out for three months -- then after about one month he said that wouldn't be long enough! Yes, that has been true! And he said how he enjoyed his new life.

It takes some time for the real consequences of different choices to sink in.

IMO, just sit tight and wait. Be the best Mtnman you can be, the best father. Be there for her as a friend, laugh together, as you have been. Try not to focus on the other parts. There are lots of untidy places in all our sitches.

Reading more here on the forum in the archives and well-chosen R books help. Have you had any time for reading in these areas while you are on your business trips?

And remember, we can't make our spouses feel a different way. As much as we would like to. But really, wouldn't you want her to choose you without feeling she HAD to? Just she WANTS to? Giving her space will allow her to make the choice out of freedom and not pressure.

And how many times, have I told my H, "let's just keep going as we have been" so as not to push the sitch toward D. (that push eventually came from him, not me)

[SemperFi00]

Hey Mtnman, sorry to hear about the most recent email.

I am sure that the email has generated many thoughts/questions for you and can certainly understand that (living with something similar in that my W has separate checking account where her paycheck is deposited and still uses our joint accounts for 90%+
of expenses).

In my scenario, I struggled w/asking her about the acct, where the $$$ were spent, etc... but finally decided that the answers wouldn't be satisfactory and would not help move things in a positive direction so I didn't ask.... at least havne't asked yet, somedays it is still hard.

It doesn't seem like your W is looking for a response (and seems the she is doing some mind reading of her own re: your reaction), so what do you think would happen if you took some time w/o responding and let things settle a bit? Would taking the time be "something different" in terms of a reponse from you?

I know it's tough when you are in it, sometimes a little easier to suggest from distance....

Thoughts and prayers are with you..... Stay strong!

[Mtnman]

I'm not sure how to respond, or even if I should.

[reachingHigher]

Mtnman,

I've never given advice before about responding, but your sitch reminds me SO much of mine.

I would respond. It sounds like she wanted to open it up with you but doesn't REALLY want to discuss it. That's my take on it. She wants you to be okay with what she is doing right now, how she feels right now.

I would give validation to what she said. Tell her you're not worried about the $. (if that is true). Tell her you and the boys enjoy your time with her too and you are glad she is having some time and space to herself. (maybe you could tie this in with a previous convo you may have had with her about how she wanted that).

You could finish by saying you're looking forward to your next time together (this weekend or whatever). All must be done in a nonjudgmental tone and friendliness not loving if you know what I mean.

Everything must be said in a way where she doesn't feel you are at home pining for her. And respond in kind how she communicated with you -- by email.

It may not be the right solution for you, but it is what comes to mind if it is any help at all.

Mtnman, you're in a really tough spot. Keep going day by day. Keep focusing on you and your boys. You are doing really well in the midst of a lot of pain that is not your fault. W has a real treasure in you. Hopefully one day she will see that.
rH

[Mtnman]

Thanks Semper and rH.

We've always had separate accounts. Our agreement was that the mortgage came out of hers and everything else came out of mine. She was left with a nice chunk of change to do with as she wished. I never asked what she did with it because it was easy to see. Literally!

I will respond. I can't leave that hanging out there. rH, I was trying to draft something but kept second guessing myself. Thanks got your help. I'm sure she'll be up for supper and a movie later today. I'll let everyone know how it goes with my response.

[TSquared2]

Hey Mtn...prime directive, imo...be sure to be non-judgmental, very non-judgmental...that's what really helped with my W through all this...

T^2

[Mtnman]

Thoughts?

"I'm glad we are being friendly too. I know the boys and I enjoy spending time with you and I'm glad you're getting your time and space. It's been a busy last couple of years and you've needed to take care of you. I have no desire to finalize things."

[reachingHigher]

I think it's good.

[TSquared2]

Sounds good to me