LRT - Dealing with WAW Affair

[jp787]

I put the email in my draft folder and came back this afternoon. When I reread it... I saw what I was really doing. I made it seem like I was doing her a favor when what I really wanted was to control her emotions to make her feel embarrassed and hurt like I was. It was so pass-aggr!!!! It was jumping off the screen! I was hurt and I wanted to hurt her. That was it.

I deleted the email and stayed NC.

That must have taken a lot of strength to admit that and to not sent the email. Great job!

[JuneReN]

You are sounding good RT

I am glad you didn't send email. For me, I finally switched my FB to friends. Before I left it open because I knew H would be checking. But I decided to close that door. He can ask.

[RealityTrip]

Thanks IO and JP. I am recognizing how impulsive I am in my reactions. I don't think it's just because I am so emotional during this rollercoaster. I tend to make up my mind about things really quickly. My W used to say that I would stop listening and start thinking about what my response was before she finished speaking. (Eureka! ding! ding! ding!)

When I got home today there was a letter from my W's mom. I opened it and there was a check in it for a significant amount of money. Since her parents don't know she's staying with her brother right now, I texted her that the letter came and about the check. She responded with a 'thank you' for letting her know and expressed that she wished I would have asked her before opening it. She asked me to tell her what the note said so she could thank her mom properly.

I immediately felt anger and combativeness. I wanted to text back something to sting like "Now I can't open your mail? Have it forwarded!" I put down the phone and waited 1 hour, took a shower and came back to it.

After letting the initail emotion pass... I texted back the contents of the letter and apologized for opening her mail as an error in judgement. I told her my instict was that she would tell me to open it. THEN...I told her that while I had her attention I wanted her to know that I passed the admissions exam to Kaplan and was approved for financial aid and I am waiting to hear what my monthly payment on te balance would be. I expressed my excitement and that I hoped we could afford it.

She texted me back Three times... that she was proud of me, to keep her posted, and then again that she was proud of me.

I took the opportunity of having to tell her about the check to try to have a pleasant interaction with her. I don't know why, but it felt right at the time and I'm happy I did. I was reading about LRT and "Dark" on one of the threads the other day and the analogy was used to think about it as a dimmer switch and not to miss the opporunities to lighten up a bit on occasion.

What do you all think? Is it more effective to remain completely dark or should I think of it as a dimmer switch and when the opportunity arises to have a positive interaction go ahead and take it?

[JuneReN]

Just to let you know? This mail opening...huge problem with my H. I saw stuff as ours, he saw it as his. I did not ever open cards, letters (private), but bills or insurance or whatever I had no problem. He did.

It was a line you shouldn't have crossed in opening the letter, given where you are, but i really suspect you know that.

I also forgot to say CONGRATS!! You will do really well at Uni, you have all the determination already

[RealityTrip]

Defintiely a lesson on the letter. In my M, we were always transparent until I discovered her PA. Then email passwords were changed and she became more "private", etc... Opening each others mail was never an issue. I should have adjusted my marital boundary on this one though. I know everytime her mom sends mail it's a check so it wasn't a suprise to see the small envelope in the mail stack and I really didn't hesitate in the moment, I was just opening the mail.

Reading your post makes me look back at it and wonder why I didn't have a flag go up and stop me? Obviously our R has changed. She functions that way. I still feel the same. If I am lovingly detaching successfully, I shouldn't feel the same should I? I should have recognized what is now a new boundary in our R and her need for space and privacy.

What do you all think? Is it more effective to remain completely dark or should I think of it as a dimmer switch and when the opportunity arises to have a positive interaction go ahead and take it?

I'm really interested to hear thoughts on this question?!?

[RealityTrip]

I have been reading a lot this morning. More than I should. It can be easy to let reading on the A topic consume my time. So I am going to post and get out of the office and go run some errands so I can come back and refocus on my work.

I was thinking about how my W would tell me that I don't always listen well. That she felt I was thinking of an answer before she finished talking in regards to arguements or stressful discussions... and I just landed on the realization that my WAW has never said she wants a D. When I was in my crazy banshee cry/beg/plead/etc mode, back then she always said she doesn't know what she wants and is confused. She even wrote me a note once after the S that read "I love you. I do not want a divorce." If I replay the conversations in my head a large part of what she said was that she "didn't think that I would really ever be able to forgive her."

She's right about how I jump to judgement and begin my defense in my head far too soon to really be listening to her. And in this process, I wasn't really listening because I had made up in my mind that words are meaningless when your actions contradict them. She was saying that, writing those things, and never asking for a D "outloud", but her actions show me something completely different. She's still in A and has moved out. Isn't THAT what I should be really "listening" to?

[StubbornDyke]

That's good to get out and clear your head. Yes, it may be comforting to think about words that are softer than the current actions, but the actions are the reality at the moment.

For specific strategies, I recommend a DB coach if you can swing it.

While an affair is going on, the best you can do is take care of yourself, maintain good boundaries, work on yourself, and practice detachment (it does not equal distancing; it's the essential ingredient in happy Rs).

I'm a huge fan of Pia Mellody. Expert on codependence and boundaries. You'll find specific reviews if you dig up my threads from the last year. In addition to reading DR, some of Pia's work will really help guide your thinking.

Keep reading Sandi's 37 rules. I think they're basically her notes from reading DR.

And hang in there.

[RealityTrip]

Hi SD! I would love to have a DB coach. Wouldn't we all. It stinks that our sitch's put us in need of them and at the same time, at least for me, my sitch pounds my finances.

Thanks for the Pia Mellody link. Needgrace gave me a good reference to Pema Chodron. I have been working my way through some of her writings and have taken a lot from them.

While an affair is going on, the best you can do is take care of yourself, maintain good boundaries, work on yourself, and practice detachment (it does not equal distancing; it's the essential ingredient in happy Rs).

Thanks for this insight. I hadn't thought that detachment doesn't mean distancing. I need to think more on that and how I should utilize our limited contact to connect.

[RealityTrip]

Why is GAL such a struggle? I think I'm doing well at it. Better than I was in my M even. But each time it's a social event (putting myself out there with people) rather than an internal goal like my guitar or continuing my education... it is such a struggle. I just don't want to... ever.

Yesterday a collegue from work invited me to go to the Stawberry Festival with her wife and two kids. Then I was invited to go out with just the moms that night for drinks to a LGBT bar and hear a band. I went. I had a good time, but I fought myself every step of the way. I'm still realy uncomfortable being "RT" and not "RT & W" when I'm around people. It's hard when the community asks where she is or how's your W? I immediately sink into an internal place of shame in those situations.

I keep trying to remind myself that I need to put myself in uncomfortable situations to grow stronger and feel ok in my independance. But my co-dependant self is putting up a hard fight.

I'm also having a hard time with NC yesterday and today. I have a feeling it's going to get harder. With my hormones kicking and the eclipse coming on Thursday I'm overly emotional and irrational. It's going to be a rough week. I'll try to keep my "crazy" to a minimum when I post.

[needgrace]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((RT))))))))))))))))))))))) I felt the same (and still do sometimes, I went to a big lesbian bash where I only knew one person and was confused if the person I was going with might think it was a a date...lol.. a friend had to talk me down on my way there) but It does gets easier, RT, much easier... keep pushing yourself and one day you will realize that you don't need to push. it is great that you are aware of this and are fighting it.

the difficulty with NC comes in waves. it is helpful that you are aware of hormones and eclipse factors. that is what i do when the waves come... stop and ask myself what exactly is going on with me at the moment..

and you can post your crazy here...i sure did. it is a safe place