I am trying to be honest with myself and what I want, and to be honest, I am so confused on what I want.
There are just some days I don't want to let him go and others I want to be so free of him and I am so sure of my next steps to move forward.
If I think honestly to myself, I want my husband. I just don't want all the burden, stress, and anxiety of what comes with Standing and dealing with an MLC raving lunatic.
I see all the mistakes I have made in DB'ing. I see all the mistakes I made during my marriage. And I can't seem to find solid ground to stand on to fix them, rather than I slip back and forth between the two paths...
Hey B,
I am so sorry you are having a rough morning. I know exactly how you feel. I think we are all struggling to find some equilibrium after the trauma of losing someone, especially when there is a physical separation and (in our case) an OW involved.
Whether or not this will help you, I will tell you what I try to do. I try to look at the situation as it is. That is: he has decided at this point in his life that I am not a priority; we have little contact (none in the last two weeks) and he is a long way away. And then from my point of view: There are things I need to work on and deal with, including a lingering depression, I need to find some joy again and I do not want to replicate his mistakes by jumping at the fist available man while I am like this. So, given all of that does a decision have to be made right now as to whether or not I would take him back? NO. Because right now he does not want to BE taken back. Therefore, I leave that particular situation alone to perculate.
The wavering back and forth is pure emotion for me and I suspect it is for you, too. There is such an urge to do something - anything - because we are used to making a decision. I think in this case though, we need to try and let ourselves waver a bit as part of our journey. Our partners have hurt us so very badly.
I know how you feel. My pendulum swings every day. I try to concentrate on me and my needs. Sometimes it works. Try to give yourself a break.
